Worst Joke Ever 2024

[CaptainNemo]

Two hats on a hatstand, one says to the other "you hang around here, I'll go on ahead".

 

Thank you, donations please...

[Andrew Dwyer]

Two hats on a hatstand, one says to the other "you hang around here, I'll go on ahead".
 
Thank you, donations please...

I have a small pile of satang coins on my nightstand, where do I send them [emoji51]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[scottiejohn]

4 hours ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

I have a small pile of satang coins on my nightstand, where do I send them

[scottiejohn]

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.

She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude".

"You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."

The man below responded, "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.

The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my bloody fault!

[scottiejohn]

To save damage to phones and computers, not to mention medical injuries, I have done the flipping for you;

 

 

 

 

[scottiejohn]

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the local supermarket. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out, but had to hang around whilst she browsed.  Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local store manager:

Dear Mrs. Scottie:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate his behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, are listed below:

 

Sept 5: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

Sept 7: Set all the alarm clocks in the Housewares section to go off at 5-minute intervals.

Sept 9: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's rest room.

And the final straw was;

Sept 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children duly obliged.  He then took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room? And last, but not least after he went into the fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the young female assistants passed out.

 

As I said above you are now both banned from this store with immediate affect.

Edited September 18, 2019 by scottiejohn

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

You’re next
-------------------------

I will seek and find You . . I shall force you to go to bed and have my way with you.

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan and make you suffer like Hell.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop what I am doing to your body.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you, which will not be for a number of days.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,

 

 

The Flu

Now, get your mind out of the gutter and Go get your flu shot!
 

[scottiejohn]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[chickenslegs]

3 hours ago, WorriedNoodle said:

It took me a  moment or two. V=U

[Andrew Dwyer]

It took me a  moment or two. V=U

And Julius Caesar ??

Is that it ?

[sotonowl]

Had a carpenter round last week. Paid him £500 to make me a double bed and the <deleted> done a bunk.

[chickenslegs]

10 hours ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

And Julius Caesar ??

Is that it ?

The first PVN

[tifino]

 

 

[Andrew Dwyer]

[chickenslegs]

[chickenslegs]

[chickenslegs]

[chickenslegs]

[chickenslegs]

[chickenslegs]

Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One says, “I smell something fishy.” The other says, “me too.”

 

This is a great oppor-tuna-ty for some well plaiced fish puns. Do you need some time to mullet over?

Edited September 19, 2019 by chickenslegs

[ballpoint]