Worst Joke Ever 2024

[ballpoint]

[LeungKen]

He makes more sense than the Thai government.

 

 

[overherebc]

21 minutes ago, LeungKen said:

He makes more sense than the Thai government.

 

 

100% future politician.

[roo860]

[roo860]

[roo860]

[roo860]

[Beachcomber]

A local politician his minder and 2 women are sitting on a train.  The train went through a tunnel and the carriage lights fail to come on and the carriage becomes completely dark.  There was a loud kissing sound and then the sound of a hard slap! When the train came out of the tunnel the passengers all looked at each other.  The pollie was sitting there stunned with a big red hand print on his cheek.
The first woman looks to the second thinking: he must have tried to kiss her and got slapped.  
The second woman looked to the first thinking: he must have tried kissing her and got slapped.
The pollie is thinking: Damn it, my minder must have tried to kiss one of the woman in the dark and she thought it was me and I got slapped instead.
The minder is thinking: If this train goes through another tunnel I can make another loud kissing sound and slap the pollie again!

 

[Beachcomber]

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained,

"It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer.

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist, and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist told him:

"Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with  both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys."

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tyre."

"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of coins against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer!"

"Sir, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her!”

 

[Beachcomber]

Picked up a hitch-hiker today, seemed like a nice guy.

After a few miles he asked me if I wasn't afraid that he might be an axe murderer.

I responded with, 'the chances of two axe murderers being in the same car are pretty remote'

 

[Beachcomber]

A lion and gorilla living in the same part of the jungle had an ongoing feud about who was actually the king of the jungle, the lion claimed the title by default but the gorilla always argued that the majority of the neighbourhood was up in the trees where the lion didn't often go..

This all became political over time to the point where both would play random tricks on each other to gain support and admiration of the other animals by discrediting their political opponent (sound familiar?)

Anyway, one gorgeous sunny day, all the animals are hanging out and the lion was taking a cool drink from a waterhole. the gorilla, seeing an opportunity sneaks up behind the lion, sticks his willy straight up the lions hoop and gets in three good strokes to the frantic amusement of all the other animals.

The furious lion immediately gives chase to the laughing gorilla who was rapidly swinging away through the trees. As his anger gives him more strength the lion begins to gain ground and the gorilla starts to get a bit worried.

He reaches a clearing with the lion out of view and spots a naturalist sitting by a tree reading a newspaper. Thinking quickly (for a gorilla) he knocks out the naturalist and takes his hat and newspaper, assuming the same position with the upheld newspaper obscuring his face.

The lion comes tearing into the clearing with teeth bared and spots what he thinks is the naturalist. 'Oi! David Attenborough!' he screams, did you see a Gorilla coming through here?"

'You mean the one that was turking you down by the waterhole?' replies the gorilla"

The lion slumps down and wails "Oh <deleted> me! its not in the paper already is it?

 

[Beachcomber]

 A man driving down a country lane who runs over a cockerel.
He goes to the farmhouse and knocks on the door.
A woman opens it and he says: "I appear to have killed your cockerel. I'd like to replace him.'
She replies: "Please yourself, the hens are round the back."

 

[Beachcomber]

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises,  two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'

'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle ..

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end'

'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's bottom.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours''

'I really don't remember much after that'

 

[Beachcomber]

I woke up swathed in bandages, in a hospital ICU;
tubes entering different parts of my body,
wires monitoring every function, and a gorgeous
nurse hovering over me.
It was obvious that I'd been in a very serious accident.

I heard her say, 'You may not feel anything from the waist down'

I managed to mumble, 'Can I feel your tits then?

 

 

[Beachcomber]

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly
answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulance (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over
by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that when you die, your Soul flies up
onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

 

[Beachcomber]

1) F***ing once a week is good for your health, but it is harmful if done everyday
2) F***ing relaxes your mind & body
3) F***ing refreshes you
4) After F***ing don’t eat too much go for more liquids
5)Try F***ing in bed cause it can save your valuable energy
6) F***ing can reduce your cholesterol level
So remember “FASTING” is good for your health.

 

 

GOD BLESS YOUR DIRTY MIND :

 

[Beachcomber]

A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them:

At the fair, he met another Farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, (which was the only vehicle he had) and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer,

“How will I know if they are pregnant?”

The other farmer replied. “If they’re lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they’re pregnant. If they’re in the mud, they’re not.”

The second morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week.  Both farmers were worn out.

The third morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife,

“Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass.”

“Neither.” Yelled his wife. “They’re in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn.”

 

[Beachcomber]

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counselling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, Malcolm the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched--with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go bowling."

 

[Beachcomber]

I asked my wife if I'm the only one she has ever been with.

she said: "yes.. all the others were nines and tens"

 

[Beachcomber]

Hey Doc, its been 4 weeks since you prescribed that medicine and i still feel lousy.
Did you follow the instructions on he bottle?
Yes it says  KEEP TIGHTLY CLOSED.

[Beachcomber]

A man walks into a bar and asks, “Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?”

“Yeah, I do!” a biker says, standing up. “What about it?”

“Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him…”

“What are you talkin’ about?!” the biker says, disbelievingly. “How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?”

“Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog’s throat!”

 

[Beachcomber]

At the end of the financial year,  the Inland Revenue sent an inspector to audit
the books of a local hospital.

While the inspector was checking the books he turned to the
Chief Financial Officer of the hospital and said,

"I notice you buy a lot of bandages.. What do you do with the end of
the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the CFO, [ inwardly thinking ' what sort of a question is that']  "We save them up and send them back to
the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of
bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way.

"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's
left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to
the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of
plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
the know-it-all CFO.
"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins
from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO.

"What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the
Inland Revenue's main office, and about once a year they send us a complete
<deleted>."

 

[Beachcomber]

2 blokes walk into a pub in London dressed in traveling fatigues and looking weathered. One of them is normal height and build whilst the other is only 3 feet tall with a gigantic head, clearly several times too big for his body.

The barman serves them a pint and asks how they are doing. The tall bloke replies 'we have been traveling the world doing great deeds', the barman said ' ok that's very noble, where have you been?

The bloke says "well we went to china and helped repair the great wall", the little bloke looks up from his pint and says in a strained squeaky voice, 'we didn't go to bloody China!' the tall guys replies "sure we did, remember all the red flags and little people, and that massive long wall? that's where we helped them rebuild several miles of it', 'oh...yeah ok!' the small bloke replies and sips his pint

'so yeah then went to the middle east and brokered a successful peace deal between warring nations, that was pretty tricky..", 'we didn't go to the bloody middle east!", 'sure we did, remember all the desert and blokes on camels? that's where we met with all the tribal leaders and convinced them to put down their weapons and pursue peace", "oh yeah ok.." (back to the pint)

"we also went to Central America to help out with the drug problem there, some interesting stories there i can tell you...", "We didn't go to bloody Central America", "sure we did, that's where all those green mountains were, remember we went to all those big houses and met with the Cartel bosses", "oh...yeah ok" (back to the pint)

"so anyway we also went to Africa to help out the poor tribes in the Congo, a very rewarding experience", "We didnt go to bloody Africa!", "sure we did, remember the sweaty jungles and remote villages? that's where you called that witch doctor a c**t.."

 

[Beachcomber]

whoever invented the zero: thanks for nothing!

whoever invented the number after three: what was that for!?

 

[Beachcomber]

A dear friend of mine, has just spent 6 hours in Accident and Emergency

Turns out the Dyson Ball Cleaner, isn't what he thought it would be.. !!!!

 

[Beachcomber]

I was kidnapped by mimes once. They did unspeakable things to me...

 

[Beachcomber]

Yesterday I farted on my wallet. Now I have gas money...

 

[Beachcomber]

Donald Trump was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York.

He spoke for almost an hour about his plans for increasing every Native American’s present standard of living.

He referred to how he had supported every Native American issue that came to the news media.

Although Mr Trump was vague about the details of his plans, he seemed most enthusiastic and spoke eloquently about his ideas for helping his “red sisters and brothers.”

At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented him with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name, “Walking Eagle.”

The proud Mr Trump accepted the plaque and then departed in his motorcade to a fundraiser, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later asked the group of chiefs how they came to select the new name they had given to the Donald.

They explained that “Walking Eagle” is the name given to a bird so full of <deleted> it can no longer fly.

 

[jvs]

Another biker joke.

A group of bikers decided to have some fun so they stopped at a truck stop.

I was not before some of the bikers began to harass an older trucker,they spit in his food and kept

telling him he should fight back or at least do something!

He finally had enough,paid his bill and left.

The biggest biker then told the cook this old trucker was not much of a man.

"Well"said the cook"he is not much of a trucker either,he just backed over all of your bikes"!

[WorriedNoodle]