I hate that SEPTember, OCTober, NOVember, and DECember aren't the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months...
Whoever <deleted> this up should be stabbed!

A priest and a nun are having a tennis match...

The priest is very competitive, but can’t seem to bring his A-game to the nun who is clearly better. After a volley from the nun, the priest misses and yells: “Goddamn it! I missed!”, startling the nun. She let it slip by and the match continues.

But alas, after a fierce back-hand from the nun, the priest misses and again yells: “Goddamn it! I missed!”

“Stop it” yells the nun. “You can’t use the Lords name in vain like that!”

The priest apologies. “I’m sorry, sister. I swear to you, if I do it again, may God smite me with all his might.”

“Fair enough.” grumbles the nun. The match continues. It’s going really well, but as fate may have it, the priest misses and slips another “Goddamn it! I missed!”

Suddenly thick, dark clouds gather in the sky and with roaring thunder, a lightning bolt shoots down to the earth and vaporizes the NUN into ashes...

A thundering voice emits from the skies:

“Damn it! I missed!”

DayLight Saving...

 

6 hours ago, VocalNeal said:

The old ones are the best? 1957 would have been better?

It was an Indian made one.

 

A man sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says "About 2 hours."

The man leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks "How long before I can get a haircut?". The barber looks around at a shop full of customers and says “About 3 hours."

The man leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks "How long before I can get a haircut?". The barber looks around the shop and says "About an hour and half."

Again, the man leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes - he keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut then doesn't come back."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says:

"Your house!"

National Galleries... 

 

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Check your loose change for one of these before the government withdraws them from circulation---In that year, 1973, one of these would have paid for a gallon of petrol, leaving enough change for three Mars Bars, 10 Park Drive and a box of matches. They also made good knuckle dusters.

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Edited March 17, 20215 yr by sanuk711

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Edited March 17, 20215 yr by sanuk711

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognising a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognise him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognise him?"

The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognise him?

He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

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