5 seconds ago

Two drunk men visited a brothel. The madam looked at them and said to the girls, "Get two inflatable dolls, these guys are too drunk to notice."

During their walk home, one guy says to the other,

"I think my girl was dead, she never made a sound or moved."

The second guy says, "I think mine was a witch."

"Why do you think that?" asked the first guy

"Well, I bit her arse and she flew out the window!"

A man is having a drink in a bar looking down, dejected.

The barman asks, “Is everything all right, Sir?”

The man replies, “I got into a fight with my wife and she said she wasn´t going to speak to me for a month.”

The barman reflects helpfully with a smile, “Well, maybe that´s a good thing. A bit of peace and silence.”

The man replies, “Yeah, but today is the last day.”

A guy called saying he was depressed and laying on the railway tracks waiting for a train to come.

Apparently 'keep calm and stay on the line' wasn’t the best advice.

Elvis Presley climbs out of the pool, fully clothed and completely soaked, for the fifth time that day.

Priscilla says, "Elvis, what's going on?"

Elvis replies, "I can't help falling in, love."

My church serves noodles at communion.

We are Ramen Catholic.

Breaking News :

The NHS are saying that a vaccine, to combat the recent outbreak of Mad Pig 🐖 Disease, will be ready in about a “weeeeeeeeeeeeeek”

The admiralty has announced the appointment of a Pakistani immigrant from Newcastle to the rank of Captain of a British Nuclear Submarine

A government spokesman said they are delighted and proud of the appointment of Captain Gandeep Undawata.

2 hours ago, ballpoint said:

With one step he was beside her, Nora felt the hot breath on her cheek as he ripped the thin silk from her .....

I found a very old porno on VHS at a garage sale yesterday.

It’s called Head Cleaner.

Sounds hot….