Saturday Jokes

[Jamesyboi]

A very loud, unattractive, overweight, hard-faced woman walks into Big W with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Big W. Nice children you've got there -- are they twins?"

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hel_l would you think they're twins?..... Do you think they look alike, ya <deleted>?"

"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe anyone would screw you twice."

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

Oh my, I am so sorry, "the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her

deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings

The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! !! !

"You know, "he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "

"No, " she replies. . . . . "

She says:

"You just happened to catch my eye."

The bar room was crowded. All of a sudden, the cute little thing on the stool began to cry. The barkeep asked, "What's the trouble, Sweetie?" She sobbed, "I'm a virgin, and my boyfriend won't have anything to do with me because I'm inexperienced. What should I do?" Three men and a lesbian were killed in the rush.

Three guys go into a bar. The booze begins to flow pretty heavily in the course of the evening and the guys get split up. Next morning they're all at work discussing what went on after they lost one other...

The first guy says, "Man I was so trashed last night I went home and blew chunks!"

The second goes, "Shit that's nothing I was so tanked that I drove my ###### car into a tree. Totaled it. I have no idea what the cops are going to do!"

The third guy says, "That's nothing I was so drunk that I went home and starting cussing my girlfriend out and in the process knocked over a candle and it caught the whole ###### apartment on fire - the insurance won't cover it, plus my girlfriend left me."

The first guy leans back in and whispers, "I don't think you guys understand, Chunks is my dog."

how many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

2, but you have to get them in there first

how many eddie maguires does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to hold the lightbulb while the whole world revolves around him

how many lebanese does it take to change a lightbulb?

5, 1 to change the lightbulb, 4 to go "omg, fully sic uleh"

how many carlton footy players does it take to change a lightbulb?

they cant, cause they cant reach the top of the ladder

how many athiests does it take to change a lightbulb?

whats the point as they wont see the light anyway

Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing "It's the only type of cooking a'real' man will do". When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion.

1. The woman goes to the store.

2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.

3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.

4. The man places the meat on the grill.

5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.

6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.

7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.

9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

10. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

WHY IT IS IMPORTANT TO UNDERSTAND ENGLISH!

I had a bunch of American dollars I needed to exchange, so I went

to the currency exchange window at the local bank

Short line. Just one guy in front of me...an Asian guy who was trying

to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated.

He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two hunat dolla

for yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations" .

The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too!"

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while

we are in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

No." She answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

Yes." She replied.

Then I said, " I'd like

to phone a friend."

That's the last thing I remember.

[BigSnake]

Not Bad, a few have been around for awhile but over all not bad at all.