6 Jokes

[Jamesyboi]

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for

company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and

asked, "Father,my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor

creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an

animal in the church. But there are some Presbyterians down the lane, and

there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the

creature."

Muldoon! said, " T'anks Father. I'll go right away. Do ya 'thinks $5,000 is

enough to give for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell

me the dog was Catholic?

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation

follows:

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many

children,grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two

college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with both

of them."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "Sins? What sins?"

Priest: "What sort of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody."

Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, built a huge fire under it, and left them there.

A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.

The other missionary couldn't believe it! He said, ''What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?''

The other missionary replied, ''I just peed in the soup!''

A man and his wife entered a dentist's office.

The wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."

"You're a brave woman," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."

The wife turns to her husband and says: "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."

One day, a man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat. The man orders a beer, and so does the ostrich. The cat orders half a pint, and refuses to tip the bartender. The bartender tells them their bill is $10.78. The man reaches into his pocket and gets exactly $10.78.

The next day, the man, the ostrich and the cat go back to the bar. They order the same thing as the day before, and again the cat is really rude to the bartender and won't tip him. The bartender tells them that their bill is $10.78. The man reaches into his pocket and gets exactly $10.78.

The next day, the man, the ostrich and the cat go back into the bar. This time the man and the ostrich order a double scotch. The cat orders a scotch and is rude to the bartender. The bartender smiles to himself, knowing that there is no chance the man will get the exact amount of money, and he's getting pissed at the cheapskate cat.

He tells the man that their bill is $15.63. The man reaches into his pocket and gets the exact change! The bartender is astonished. He asks the man how he always gets the right amount of change.

The man tells him, "Well, one day I came across a lamp. I rubbed it and a genie came out. He told me I could have any three wishes I wanted. My first wish was that I could reach into my pocket and get the exact change of anything I was buying."

"Very smart," said the bartender.

"My second wish was to have a high tolerance for alcohol."

"Good choice!" the bartender exclaimed. "What was your third wish?"

"Well, that wasn't too bright on my part. I wished for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."

A son walks into the living room and asks his dad to borrow the car because he has a hot date.

The dad says, ''Sure, as soon as you cut your long hair.''

The boy smiles and thinking he has outsmarted his dad replies, ''Dad, Jesus had long hair...''

And the dad replies, ''Yeah, and Jesus walked everywhere he went too, didn't he?''