Allowing Your Maid To Have A Boyfriend?

[chanchao]

We really like our maid, and apparently she likes us as she came back after visiting her family in Burma. However she also picked up a boyfriend, who has a job in the construction sector.

I may have been here too long, but it feels unnatural to have women living in your house who are not 'in your own posse', so to say. That's not saying that there always has to be a non-work, personal or even sexual relationship with every woman living in your domain, but at least one needs to be in command of course. When a maid has a boyfriend then there's somewhat of a challenge there. [i'm probably not explaining it well, if any of this seems highly warped or offensive then please take that as 'me not explaining it well'.]

What do other expats feel about this, I'm primarily looking for comments from male posters on this issue, or perhaps women too when they're the ones running the household and effectively managing the maid/household staff. Would you require your maid to not have a relationship, would you change maids if one did have a boyfriend, or would you merely change the model from a live-in arrangement to one where the maid stays with her boyfriend but just comes into work during the day? Finally, and I'm just adding this option for the sake of completeness, do some people allow a maid's boyfriend to stay with the maid in the maid room, optionally employing her boyfriend in some capacity?

Edited April 5, 2007 by chanchao

[buriramboy]

personaly no problem with maid having a boyfreind, but the rules are plain and simple, under no circumstances does he enter the house.

[Jai Dee]

personaly no problem with maid having a boyfreind, but the rules are plain and simple, under no circumstances does he enter the house step foot on the property.

Agreed with slight amendment.

[Gimbo]

We really like our maid, and apparently she likes us as she came back after visiting her family in Burma. However she also picked up a boyfriend, who has a job in the construction sector.

I may have been here too long, but it feels unnatural to have women living in your house who are not 'in your own posse', so to say. That's not saying that there always has to be a non-work, personal or even sexual relationship with every woman living in your domain, but at least one needs to be in command of course. When a maid has a boyfriend then there's somewhat of a challenge there. [i'm probably not explaining it well, if any of this seems highly warped or offensive then please take that as 'me not explaining it well'.]

What do other expats feel about this, I'm primarily looking for comments from male posters on this issue, or perhaps women too when they're the ones running the household and effectively managing the maid/household staff. Would you require your maid to not have a relationship, would you change maids if one did have a boyfriend, or would you merely change the model from a live-in arrangement to one where the maid stays with her boyfriend but just comes into work during the day? Finally, and I'm just adding this option for the sake of completeness, do some people allow a maid's boyfriend to stay with the maid in the maid room, optionally employing her boyfriend in some capacity?

Just wonder what century you hail from?

I mean no offence, but just a bit shocked that you have to ask the question at all. She is not your property. Of course she should be allowed to have a boyfriend, it simple none of your business. Actually, its not even up to you to "allow" or not "allow" who she spends time with in her off hours. ¨That would be her right to decide, assuming she is an addult.

Then you can of course set rules like not accepting that he comes on to your property etc.

[Prakanong]

This question is often raised on Singapore forums by out of touch expat women ;-)

Only slightly less often than what are these young Asian girls doing chasing my husband!

There have been reports though of the maid in both Singaporean and Expat families "entertaining" at home shall we say which has caused the rapid repatriation of the maid in question.

Banning him from your home and property is really up to you but trying to stop her seeing him in her own time is rather last 19th century under the stairs.

[PeaceBlondie]

My maid is my boyfriend.

[Wolfie]

Personally i wouldn't have any issues if my maid had a boyfriend/girlfriend.

The only real difference would be the maid position would no longer be a 'live in' position and the boyfriend/girlfriend in question would not be allowed on my property (same goes for any 'stranger').

Otherwise i would consider it none of my business what the maid does in his/her own time.

[Boo]

Not explaining yourself properly has to be an understatment!!!. What your maid does in her own time is & will always be none of your business. It is not your descision to allow or dis allow her social life & what she does in it.

That said, you can rightly refuse her bf to sleep over or enter your property & as long as it is clear to them both then there should be no issue. Any deviation from this rule & you get rid of her or fine her, let her know the penalty too.

Should their relationship become one where they want to live together then that discussion needs to be had in the future about changing her position from live in to day help. Simple.

[Prakanong]

Just did a straw poll in the office among those that have live-in maids 9I do not have or want a live in at this time).

All said they did not mind what she got up to on her Sunday off and it is better a boyfriend than a paying customer as some maids do in their day off on a Sunday here.

If a paying customer or returning home drunk and disturbing people then repatriation.

This was among Asian expats and locals - we whitey's in this office do not have live-ins.

I am sure some of the Singaporeans thought I was daft because to them the question having time or a day off to have a boyfriend is strange

[chanchao]

Not explaining yourself properly has to be an understatment!!!.

I could sort of see it coming.

What your maid does in her own time is & will always be none of your business.

Well, technically she doesn't have a whole lot of own time.

Also historically I think there's a reason why 'the King's servants' have to be eunuchs & virgins. Otherwise, who knows what she's been doing just prior to making you breakfast?! Like, "eeeeuw" ?

> It is not your descision to allow or dis allow her social life & what she does in it.

True. Nor would I want to micromanage that.

> Should their relationship become one where they want to live together then that discussion

> needs to be had in the future about changing her position from live in to day help. Simple.

Yes. In all seriousness now, I think this is the direction we're heading. Should be better for her too, and better for our privacy. Heck even the dog will be happy at getting the maid room back.

[chanchao]

My maid is my boyfriend.

That'd be okay too. At least then you know what he's been doing prior to making you breakfast.

Edited April 5, 2007 by chanchao

[Wolfie]

That'd be okay too. At least then you know what he's been doing prior to making you breakfast.

How do you like your eggs in the morning...?

Err.. Maybe not.

[Naam]

What do other expats feel about this, I'm primarily looking for comments from male posters on this issue, or perhaps women too when they're the ones running the household and effectively managing the maid/household staff. Would you require your maid to not have a relationship, would you change maids if one did have a boyfriend, or would you merely change the model from a live-in arrangement to one where the maid stays with her boyfriend but just comes into work during the day?

we recently faced a related problem with our live-in maid. she got married when we did some travelling in february but did not tell us about. a couple of weeks later i found quite often in the early mornings a motorbike parked opposite our house which disappeared half an hour after sunrise. living in a gated community with no public traffic i found that a bit strange, especially as nobody lives in both houses (still under construction) across our street. the maid lives in an apartment integrated in our house -buffered to the inside by utility room and kitchen- but with a separate entrance. when i talked to her she admitted that her husband is once in a while staying overnight. personally i wouldn't have minded but my conservative wife "begs" to differ from my opinion.

we solved the problem by changing her working schedule from seven to five days a week, i.e. friday evening till monday morning she is off (except when we have guests) and stays with her husband in his accomodation.

[cdnvic]

She has to be allowed to have a life outside your house. Anything less makes it seem like an indentured servant.

I would keep open communication with her though in case she and Mr Wonderful decide to get hitched and take off together. You may be short one maid.

[britmaveric]

Agree with others, maid deserves a social life too and if it doesnt interfere with work. However that being said, said bf would not be allowed on property.

[kratindaeng]

I married the maid

[Old Croc]

I married the maid

but the question was about her boyfriend.

[kratindaeng]

I married the maid

but the question was about her boyfriend.

ok thanks for reminding me, well I guess everyone is entitled to having a partner, so yes no probs. I would agree with cdnvic, keep up the communication and good relations, you never know when she may get married and then have to start a search for a new maid should she relocate.

KD

Edited April 5, 2007 by kratindaeng

[bina]

just a reverse commment; i am the wife and my husband is the one living on his 'employer' 's property....

i slept over only once, and with permission and was later called a four letter female occupational word.... by the employer - and this is my country not my husband's.....

i wouldnt want anyone's boyfriend or girlfriend in my house; however, if they are paying rent and separate entrance etc... then as long as certain 'rules' are followed (no pets/pets, no loud parties after whatever hour u stipulate, etc) then it can be done....

if the maid is living in same quarters as me like live in nannies, i would find it awkward and quickly find a new creative solution but what she does on her time off is her own. (the problem arises in israel with filipina live in nannies and maids. most employers have a 'no boyfriend' rule so sundays (the nannies' day off) tel aviv is filled with couples 'borrowing ' friends' living quarters (the ones that arent live in nannies and have their own rooms).

it is also filled with lots of 'working' nannies doing a few rounds on a sunday among the thai workers on the moshavs.

[chanchao]

Hong Kong Sundays are a completely amazing experience for the same reasons.

[thaipapajim]

"How do you like your eggs in the morning...?"

....fertilised or unfertilised?

[kayo]

My maid is my boyfriend.

I married the maid

You married Chanchao's maid?!

Chanch, I reckon along the same lines as some of the replies here.

what she gets up to in her private time is her business. Basically, she should be able to maintain a certain discreetness. IE: You shouldn't even be subject to the situation, or actively aware of it.

Re> him living in with her, I'd say big no no!

she has a live in arrangement with you, that is between you and her, and a benefit of employement for her. That's all it is.

A certain line should always be kept from employer and maids sides, no matter how wonderful or "indispensable" she may be. Employer, Maid.

Anybody else doesn't enter the scenario, hence she should maintain anything like a personal relationship outside of view.. out of sight, out of mind.

[cdnvic]

Ok, here's a moral dilemma for you. Your single maid gets pregnant and the boyfriend runs off. Do you keep her employed even though some difficult times are ahead, or throw a single pregnant girl out of the house with nowhere to go?

[britmaveric]

Ok, here's a moral dilemma for you. Your single maid gets pregnant and the boyfriend runs off. Do you keep her employed even though some difficult times are ahead, or throw a single pregnant girl out of the house with nowhere to go?

Keep her - too bloody easy mate!!!

[Shah Jahan]

I wouldn't even let the boyfriend come on the same street that we live on, and if you see him throw rocks.

If she wants to see him make her walk to the highway, and then think twice about letting her come back on the property

but really why let her have an outside boyfriend?

just do as a Thai man would do.....

[Jai Dee]

but really why let her have an outside boyfriend?

just do as a Thai man would do.....

Lets not continue the discussion down that route...

[Mobi]

One way or another I've been employing maids since the 1960's; from Nigeria, to the Middle East, to Indonesia, and of course, many, many years in Thailand.

And I can tell you from long experience, that much as a nice young pert maid is a thing to behold on sleepy hung over morning, you are far better off employing domestics who are the other side of 40 years old, with stable family backgrounds - be they single, divorced, or have their family all nicely tucked away up country. In fact the older the better, and both my current maids are in the fifties, have been with me quite a while, and I don't have to worry about their boy friends or any other family problems.

The young ones rarely last long - some only days or maybe weeks - and the prettier they are, the more vulnerable they are to local lads who will circle your property like soi dogs smelling out a bitch in heat.

[chanchao]

Ok, here's a moral dilemma for you. Your single maid gets pregnant and the boyfriend runs off. Do you keep her employed even though some difficult times are ahead, or throw a single pregnant girl out of the house with nowhere to go?

Hey, you're better at this than I am.

I think I'd prevent the scenario altogether by forcing her to get spayed. Or put birth control pills in whatever it is she eats.

Ok I'm kidding.

Anyway she won't be of much use being a maid shortly after birth right.. And after that I guess she'd do what everyone else does: Let Mum/family take care of the kid. I think I'd let her have unpaid maternity leave for while, perhaps with somewhat of a bonus/extra as a present for the new mum, then give her the option to come back, with the prospect of another small bonus or perk when she comes back. I'd be inclined to be pretty supportive of the scenario as we had our first kid ourselves not too long ago.

With regard to the original post, things are working out GREAT..! Her boyfriend has some kind of accommodation through his place of work, they managed to come up with a downpayment on a motorcycle, so now she's staying overthere and just comes to work early in the morning on her spanking new moped. I gave her a proper lock to lock it with, I can just see that bike disappearing while at the market or some such, which would be disaster.

I really like this maid. She's the closest thing to having 'magical dwarfs' around the house who clean / wash up after me and make food appear on the table almost without me noticing it.. (As a kid my mum used to yell at me to clean up my shit, "OR DID I EXPECT THE MAGICAL DWARFS TO DO IT FOR ME?!"... Anyway, I now have my very own magical dwarf and it is indeed magic the way dirty underwear finds it's way off the doorknob and then nicely clean and folded back into the drawer.. Heaven!!! Mum in law also adores her, which is also a good thing I suppose.

Cheers,

Chanchao

Edited April 10, 2007 by chanchao