Aircraft

[pattayadave]

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers.....

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

********************************************************************************

*****************

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make

up here?"

Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a

727?"

********************************************************************************

*******************

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm

f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify

yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

********************************************************************************

*****************

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is

a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this..I've got the

little Fokker in sight."

********************************************************************************

*******************

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While

attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your

last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

********************************************************************************

******************

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long

roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the

end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the

Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and

return to the airport."

********************************************************************************

*******************

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard

the following:

Lufthansa (in German): " Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in

English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in

Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):

"Because you lost the bloody war!"

I thought these were very good....

********************************************************************************

*******************

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on

frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the

way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far

end of the runway."

Tower: " Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702,

contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from

Eastern 702?"

BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and

yes, we copied Eastern... We've already notified our caterers."

********************************************************************************

********************

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold

short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed,

rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some

quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,

"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with

a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like

yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

********************************************************************************

*******************

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a

short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate

parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from

them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened

to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a

British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location

now."

Ground round (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have

you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And

I didn't land."

********************************************************************************

****************

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air

flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose

to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed

out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hel_l are

you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned

right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to

tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting

hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take

forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I

tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about

half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I

tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly

silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to

chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of

mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely

running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed

his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"