Husband Missing

[freja]

Just heard the most heartbreaking news...

A friend of mine called me...wondering if I have seen her husband....He vansihed 6 days ago. He has not called her or anyone else in the family. They have been together for 16 years. She is farang, he is thai. They live with their 2 sons and the husbands family. They have a sucessful business. And all of a sudden he is gone. They have called all hospitals, checked everywere and he is nowere to be found. To the story is that he told his wife that he had a mistress (Thai, 21 years old). This was 3 months ago. He had ended the affair and he was very sorry for the whole thing. The mistress called my girl friend day and night and the calls ended 6 ago. So my friend suspects that he has went to this woman. I feel so bad for her and the family. I also know the husband and I know him as a loving husband anf father who would do anything for his family. He is a hardworker who built up the sucessful family business from nothing.....this is very strange! I live far away from my friend...is so much want to give her support and positive energy...but really do not know what to say!!! Advice anyone!!!

[Lucifer]

Find out where the mistress lives, and send him a message from the children. Video tape, audion tape or a letter and photos.

I fear it's going to be a loosing battle.

[sbk]

Sounds like midlife crisis gone terribly wrong. Middle aged man, hardworking with money is a good target for some girls here. It happened to a woman I know, she went home for a few months and came back to find out some girl had targeted her husband while she was gone. It ended when the girl found a better opportunity with someone with more money.

Now, I know that a man has free will and the ability to say no, but get someone who may be a bit vulnerable and combine that with someone quite mercenary and manipulative and well, there you go.

New girlfriend might not stick around if she finds out her new catch won't be worth much after the divorce. Your friend might want to inform her of this if she has her phone number. Just a suggestion, that is, if she wants him back and is willing to give the marriage a second chance.

[zaza]

I feel so bittered for your friend but if he is hiding from his own family ,she should know what a decent (f...) man he is !!!

But I do wish that he is either had fallen on his head and lost his memory or he had left this world Cause I just hate any person (man or woman) who abandon their family to run after his selfish lust(21y old babe)

But as Sting once said :If you love sombody set 'em free!(if he comes back to u he is yours but if not he had never been)

[Khutan]

Sounds like midlife crisis gone terribly wrong.

I would agree there.

[zaza]

Sounds like midlife crisis gone terribly wrong.

I would agree there.

Me too..

[November Rain]

Oh, how terribly sad for your friend & her sons. I'm probably going to attract a lot of flack for saying this, but I hate women who intentionally or knowingly go after married men or those in a LTR. How can a woman do that to another woman? I've had the same happen to me (the phone calls from the mistresses etc). My situation was different in that I knew where he was (albeit he was in a different country) & I instigated the split & told him it was over.

Hopefully, your friend's husband will come to his senses. Mine did, but by that time I didn't want him back. How are her children taking this? That's just another hardship for her. It's one thing to disappear from his wife's life, but from his children's, IMO, is unforgivable. He should at least let his kids know he's OK.

I'm afraid I don't know what to suggest. Your friend has to deal with this in her own way. 100 of us women on here would probably deal with this situation in 100 different ways. Some would storm round there & confront them both. Some would file for divorce, some would wait calmly for him to come back, some would go to pieces, some would pretend it wasn't happening etc. The only thing you can do is be a sounding board for her & be there when she needs you.

Good luck to both you & to her & her kids.

[sbk]

NR, I am of the storming variety myself

But, as you've said, she has to make up her own mind where she wants to go with this. Also, how his family views it all will make a difference in the outcome. If they are on her side and it is truly a family business then he may find himself out in the cold. As I said, new girlfriend may end up looking for better pastures if that comes to pass.

Up to the friend (and her husband if he chooses to come back) if the marriage is salvageable or even worth salvaging.

I dislike both, predatory women and weak men who can't stick to a relationship and honor not only their marriage vows but also their families. Both kinds are just selfish and self-centered.

[freja]

Here comes an update....

The missing husband returned home yesterday. Like a wreck. He said that he totally broke it off with the other woman....she (the other woman, not my friend) had gone total crazy...trying to kill herself....blablabla....my friend and her husband will try again....it seems like he got himself a total lifecrises...and I guess that many men in their middle ages tend to seek comfort in a younger women??? I hope that they can get help...In Europe you can get counselling but I don't know how easy it is to get that here. I really feel for my friend and it made me really think about my own marriage. I think that it's so important not to take eachother for granted.....and it made me appriciate my family even more.

[sutnyod]

I just hope the husband is not the type that plays games with both wife and girlfriend: makes both feel sorry for him by telling the respective other how bad she behaved (would tell wife gf threatened suicide and then take the same story to the gf).

I wish your friend strength and the power to take a quiet and irrevocable decision... whichever way.

[November Rain]

NR, I am of the storming variety myself

But, as you've said, she has to make up her own mind where she wants to go with this. Also, how his family views it all will make a difference in the outcome. If they are on her side and it is truly a family business then he may find himself out in the cold. As I said, new girlfriend may end up looking for better pastures if that comes to pass.

Up to the friend (and her husband if he chooses to come back) if the marriage is salvageable or even worth salvaging.

I dislike both, predatory women and weak men who can't stick to a relationship and honor not only their marriage vows but also their families. Both kinds are just selfish and self-centered.

Thought I was the storming kind, too, sbk. Turns out I'm the - "Fine, she can bl**dy well have you, now f*** off & never darken my door again", change the locks & destroy all of his stupid plastic model ships that I always hated - type of person. Who knew?

Don't get me wrong, I 100% blame the guys, too. It takes two to tango. What I meant was, as a woman, you expect other women to care & empathise - if not about you, at least about the situation in general. Lets face it, at some point in their lives, they could be the one cheated on. To find these uncaring, mercenary, manipulative excuses for females is an unpleasant experience.

OP, I hope your friend decides to do whatever is right for her. I wouldn't worry too much about the suicide threats. Those serious about it rarely shout about it. Those who start threatening it (emotional blackmail) rarely follow through successfully (ie they may attempt it, but make every effort to be found in time)

[DamianMavis]

Ouch... you destroyed his model ships? Wow... that's just.... harsh. I'm looking across the room at my own "toys" imagining my girlfriend smashing them all to pieces in a rage, sends a shiver down my spine. Guess I better be a good boy.

Damian

Edited June 9, 2007 by DamianMavis

[lennart2000]

NR, I am of the storming variety myself

But, as you've said, she has to make up her own mind where she wants to go with this. Also, how his family views it all will make a difference in the outcome. If they are on her side and it is truly a family business then he may find himself out in the cold. As I said, new girlfriend may end up looking for better pastures if that comes to pass.

Up to the friend (and her husband if he chooses to come back) if the marriage is salvageable or even worth salvaging.

I dislike both, predatory women and weak men who can't stick to a relationship and honor not only their marriage vows but also their families. Both kinds are just selfish and self-centered.

Thought I was the storming kind, too, sbk. Turns out I'm the - "Fine, she can bl**dy well have you, now f*** off & never darken my door again", change the locks & destroy all of his stupid plastic model ships that I always hated - type of person. Who knew?

Don't get me wrong, I 100% blame the guys, too. It takes two to tango. What I meant was, as a woman, you expect other women to care & empathise - if not about you, at least about the situation in general. Lets face it, at some point in their lives, they could be the one cheated on. To find these uncaring, mercenary, manipulative excuses for females is an unpleasant experience.

OP, I hope your friend decides to do whatever is right for her. I wouldn't worry too much about the suicide threats. Those serious about it rarely shout about it. Those who start threatening it (emotional blackmail) rarely follow through successfully (ie they may attempt it, but make every effort to be found in time)

[cmsally]

The "best wrecking story" I heard, was of some friends of a friend when they split up.

He had a pond full of the Koi fish or whatever they were and he also did a lot of work by computer and a bit of a computer geek.

She wasn't the very confrontational type but she did dump all his computers and assoc. gear in the fish pond when he was out.

Never did find out if the fish died!

PS She had moved out by the time he got back and he had been cheating on her.

[girlx]

i think i could be the destructive type too though i haven't ever gotten to that point because i realize it's a bit psycho. my current boyfriend could probably push me to that, some day- we can be very competitive and petty.

[PlainJane]

Karma will take good care of it.

[sbk]

The "best wrecking story" I heard, was of some friends of a friend when they split up.

He had a pond full of the Koi fish or whatever they were and he also did a lot of work by computer and a bit of a computer geek.

She wasn't the very confrontational type but she did dump all his computers and assoc. gear in the fish pond when he was out.

Never did find out if the fish died!

PS She had moved out by the time he got back and he had been cheating on her.

I doubt I would destroy stuff, I am not particularly violent. Confrontation doesn't necessarily mean violence, and confront I would!

[Sheryl]

Wrecked model boats, computers in the pond... 'fraid we western ladies can't hold a candle to Thai women when it comes to giving a cheating husband his just desserts (ala "feeding the ducks"...)

Just kidding.

As for the "other woman", some may indeed be ruthless schemers (seems especially common in Thailand, there's a sort of "anything goes" attitude towards women in search of a man...sad) but some are also as much deceived as deceiving. Young women especially can fall for lies about a man's marital status or state of his marriage. And if she is Thai and from "respectable" segment of society, she's painted into a corner once she's entered into a liaison with the man as her marriage prospects are zilch if they split up. So let's not be too quick to judge without knowing the whole story.

[LaReina]

Yeah.. but it is still the other womans fault. Afterall, don't we all do our homework when we meet a guy?

I do.. (or rather did)

1. You want his home number and not pager nor mobile.

2. You call in the middle of the night to say goodnight.. (and make sure he is not in another relationship)

3. You insist on meeting his friends... and their gf's and quietly probe them as to what kind of guy he is.

4. You answer his home phone and mobile.. if he has nothing to hide, he is quite entertained by the idea

6. You want to see where he lives.. is he a neat freak, or more work than he is worth.

5. You inisist on talking to his mother on the phone.. (or at least sibilings)

AND only THEN, do you let your heart go...