Great Article: Sex, Or He's Your Ex?

[antsinmypantsouch]

<H2 style="MARGIN: auto 0in">Sex, or he's your ex</H2>SARAH HAMPSON

From Wednesday's Globe and Mail

June 7, 2007

The penis rules.

Excuse me for being so bold, but I wanted to let readers know this is not a column about and for women only. Sure, many women feel that divorce is a particularly female rite of passage. You don't see men writing books about their personal journey following marital breakdown, do you?

But not discussing what men feel about marriage and divorce is like not discussing what's involved in the erection (sorry) of a stable building.

And a man's need for sex is what is often misunderstood. So, on the important subject of the horizontal relationship in marriage, here's what I've learned.

The penis rules. Or should, anyway. "If men don't feel respected or loved, if they don't feel like a man, if they have to walk around on eggshells when it comes to their sex drive, if their horniness is treated like an inconsiderate act of selfishness – like typical male behaviour – then they will reassert themselves with another woman," says a man I will call Mr. Multiply Divorced.

People who make coitus their career understand this. Ask Lou Paget, sex therapist and best-selling author of books about orgasms and helpful tips on giving blow jobs, among other bedroom matters. "There's no other time in a man's life when he is more connected to his masculine self than when he is making love or having sex with the woman or partner of his choice," she explains.

"And men know this. … It's a huge part of the male psyche that he be acknowledged for what his efforts are, and he will go elsewhere to get it if his partner doesn't give it to him. He will get it through sports. He will get it through work by the accumulation of money. I can't tell you how many men I know who are massively successful but who have crappy marriages. Or they will get it from another woman."

It's children that change the sexual energy of a marriage. I remember an acquaintance of mine complaining about her husband's expectation of sex. She had two young sons at the time, and she was a wonderful hands-on and attentive mother. There were lunches to be made, laundry to finish, dinner to make, homework to help with, errands to run, and just before she passed out from exhaustion, a husband to do. And she did, because if nothing else, she is highly responsible. (And still married, by the way.) The whole yummy-mummy trend is really a statement of denial, if you ask me. Most young mothers will tell you that after having their bodies taken over by pregnancy, and then the demands of breastfeeding and constant monitoring of a baby, what they would really like at night is to be left alone for a bit, untouched. They've overdosed on closeness for the time being.

But husbands still want their wives to view them as the primary relationship. Another man I know – okay, we can call him Mr. Former Boyfriend – told me that in his marriage of 20 years and three children, his ex-wife, who gave up work to devote herself to the care of their offspring, denied him sex so often he had to beg for it. And when she relented, he felt it was out of pity or obligation.

Such a dynamic is common and emasculating, notes Esther Perel, a New York-based couples therapist and the best-selling author of Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic & the Domestic, published last year.

"It's not healthy for men to feel pathetic about their urges and shame about their desire. It's not just their masculinity they are expressing through sex but also their lesser masculine qualities, their tenderness, their vulnerability, their desire to give pleasure and receive it," she explains.

"This expression through the body is often the primary language that men use to say these things. It's easy for the women to just brush it off, and say, 'All he wants is sex.' What they should be asking is, 'Why am I never interested? What happened to my own desires?' " Ms. Perel's prescription for good marital sex is what she calls "more air." Too much intimacy, having to know everything your partner did and share every activity he or she enjoys, kills lust, she believes. "The paradox is that the pursuit of passion involves excitement, mystery, unpredictability. But the pursuit of intimacy involves wanting to be known completely and expecting predictability. And yet we want both."

The trick, she says, is allowing "a modicum of freedom in a relationship. Don't ask the other person to give up freedom so you can feel more secure."

Many men, not being the greatest communicators, resort to anger when they're not getting the intimacy they crave. They will say lack of sex makes them feel "they were sold a bill of goods," as one guy explains, since "women are much more sexually aggressive and suggestive during the courting stage, and inexperienced men can be fooled by that.

"I've come to believe firmly that people need to be honest with themselves [and their partners] about their libidos," he continues. "If they have big ones, they should seek out partners with a matching appetite." (Yes, that's Mr. Multiply Divorced talking.) He has a point, but married life can be stressful, what with mortgages, kids and work-life juggling; and stress, for women, is a sex-killer. For men, on the other hand, a romp in bed is stress therapy. "For us, it can be like golf or watching television," admits a source from the world of men.

Of course, for women, talking is like golf. (Confused yet?) "Women want to emotionally share and talk about their day," the man continues.

Still married to his wife of 21 years, with whom he has two children, he should be called Mr. Highly Evolved. But he didn't get there on his own. All that wisdom about how women and men think differently comes from years of couples therapy.

"For men, it's like Chinese water torture to be talking about something endlessly," he says. "Guys think, 'Just fix it.' So when the wife says she wants to be asked how she is, the man goes, 'What? We've got to have an hour and a half discussion about emotional connection before you feel like having sex? What happened to sex on the kitchen floor?' " Mr. Highly Evolved was preparing for divorce, he confesses. "Part of the equation for me to stay in my marriage was that I care about my boys, and ultimately, I realized that if I want to live in a relationship, whether it's with my wife or someone else, I have to do this work. And as long as my wife is interested in doing it, too, which she was, then it's worth it."

On a final note, let's return to Ms. Paget, who, 51 and once married and divorced, now enjoys a live-out boyfriend and a live-in 20-pound cat called Mr. Freddie. I could hear him meowing for her attention in the background of her Los Angeles home.

"Men marry for two reasons," she states. "They're proud to be with that woman socially. Look," she adds in best-girlfriend whisper, "we both know women who have sex with men who aren't seen with them publicly. The second reason men marry is sexual compatibility."

Which brings me to a final bit of good advice. Be a lady in public and a whore in the bedroom. And help him understand that before talking dirty, the whore sometimes needs to have a cuddly chat about her day.

Edited June 8, 2007 by antsinmypantsouch

[Dakhar]

amen

[sbk]

Not Thailand related in any way. Moved to farang pub. Mind the forum rules before posting however:

Excessive, aggressive posts against other members, moderators and admin; or flaming will not be tolerated. 'Flaming' is best defined as posting or responding to a message in a way clearly intended to incite useless arguments, rants, and/or for launching personal attacks, insulting, being hateful, useless criticism, name calling, swearing and other bad behavior or comments meant to incite anger.

Do not post inflammatory messages on the forum, or any attempt to disrupt discussions to upset its participants. The word, or its derivative, "trolling", is used to describe such messages or the act of posting them.

3) Religious or racial slurs, rude and degrading comments towards women, or extremely negative views of Thailand will not be tolerated.

[ThaiPauly]

Well I never!!!!

[Edonista]

Not Thailand related in any way. Moved to farang pub.

Really it is related to Thailand.

In fact it explains why so many western men relocate here (or at least relocated before the latest visa shake up)

[a2396]

Good article. Most women I know don't have a clue about this & could care less. Thai women particularly clueless & the older they are, the worse they are, ie unresponsive.

[Nebukanezar]

Yes perfect Article, It should be a mandatory read for men and women pondering marriage and children.

[antsinmypantsouch]

Not Thailand related in any way. Moved to farang pub.

I'm not really sure why this was moved from General Topics to Farang Pub as the article is based on human relations with men and women regardless of nationality and culture. Therefore, to classify it under Farang Pub is not really doing this post justice. Also, there was no intention to flout any rules here but just to have some honest discussion. Thanks in advance.

[girlx]

ok i would say that if either side is denying sex regularly there is a problem in the relationship or in that person's brain. in which case, both sides need to sit and discuss honestly how to improve the situation. men are not blameless either. they way men approach sex is that women should drop everything and suddenly be in the mood whenever they are. it doesn't work that way! women take a little bit of work to arouse. primarily, they want to feel loved. secondarily, they want foreplay. if your woman is not giving you sex, it could be because you suck at it! if you do talk it out and try new things and it doesn't work, maybe counselling or an open relationship are in order.

[PlainJane]

In a relationship, I can be very giving - especially when it comes to pleasing my partner. It is not a chore, an act or something burdensome. It is something that I would enjoy doing with my partner because there is a connection there.

On the other hand, when it is over. I walk out of the door. Cut everything out, sex included. Is that wrong?

[wolfmanjack]

ok i would say that if either side is denying sex regularly there is a problem in the relationship or in that person's brain. in which case, both sides need to sit and discuss honestly how to improve the situation. men are not blameless either. they way men approach sex is that women should drop everything and suddenly be in the mood whenever they are. it doesn't work that way! women take a little bit of work to arouse. primarily, they want to feel loved. secondarily, they want foreplay. if your woman is not giving you sex, it could be because you suck at it! if you do talk it out and try new things and it doesn't work, maybe counselling or an open relationship are in order.

one of the points that was made in the article is that some women do not like sex but during the dating period pretend like they do. After they are married they feel like they do not have to pretend any more.

Many times the reason a girl does not like sex is that their first partner or several partners sucked at it. After a few of these wam-bam thank you mam guys the girl learns to pretend she likes it while in reality she tunes the whole episode out. Then when she meets a guy that actually wants to take the time to make her feel good she just tells him to get it over with instead of learning to enjoy it. This may be where sex therapy is required as you suggest but do they even have sex therapists here in thailand?

[PlainJane]

That is not true!

[suegha]

if your woman is not giving you sex, it could be because you suck at it!

Yo girlx (and other posters) could you not have considerd a different expression?!?

[girlx]

ha

wolfman jack i can see the truth in that... but i think if the guy really makes an effort to please his woman she will appreciate it... it's just that so few guys really do this or try to figure out what their woman wants. a lot of guys seem to think it is all about them.

but sex therapists would probably come in handy here. another reason women might not be so into sex is because they were sexually abused in the past. this is something that is really hard to get over without help.

as for the woman pretending she likes it until after marriage- that's just wrong. how can she expect the marriage to last? it is something that should be worked out before that point.

[PeaceBlondie]

Many people, in Thailand and in farangland, are so poorly educated/trained about sex that they stumble around making mistakes without even knowing what the mistakes are. Society and paternalism force most of them into monogamous hetero relationships in order to perpetuate a race that also won't know what they're doing. Mixed messages constantly tell them that sex is not important, and that it's most important; that they should do it this way or this way; with him or her, etc.