Wife Or No Wife

[dr_Pat_Pong]

OP, you should be the one asking yourself the two most pertinent questions.

1. Does it bother you that she has slept with other men?

2. Will she stop this practice if she stays with you?

If it's yes to 1 and no to 2, best not to proceed.

Questions from others do not need to be answered.

If anyone persists, I wouldn't waste time on justifying my choice of partner, I'd just tell them she worked in catering.

--------------------------

Catering. I like that...

Catering for needs

[wolfmanjack]

whatever you decide to do you need to make sure you are both on the same page. I guy I know told me his wife was never a prostitute but when she got drunk she told me that she was a prostitute in pattaya. She kind of bragged about the fact that her husband paid her 500 baht the first time he had sex with her. I did not have the heart to tell her that 500 baht wasn't that much and I never did tell him that she told me. Afterwards I had to chuckle inside my head every time he tried to tell me what she did before he met her. Maybe he was trying to convince himself. Any way my point is make sure your wife is not getting drunk and telling the people the opposite of what you are.

[mellow1]

Sometimes, telling a lie, is the wise thing to do.

[Nebukanezar]

Firstly I think this is probably just a troll. But on the off chance that someone would actually be that moronic as to wife a bar girl after visiting Thailand twice on vacation....

I would say your marrage will probably end up something like this....

Edited June 19, 2007 by Nebukanezar

[meadish_sweetball]

Marriage advice: Meet her mother and go to see the place where your girlfriend grew up. If you can see yourself happily staying with a woman like her mother in 20-30 years, and feel comfortable in the company of your girlfriend's family and friends, marrying her could be a good idea.

You need to ask her what her plans and wishes for the future are to make sure you are not talking past each other. Does she want children, and do you? Does she feel comfortable with the concept of living outside Thailand for the remainder of her life away from her family? etc. etc.

Don't rush into anything.

As for lying or not I don't know. If you are honest it could be difficult for her to get ahead in Eire, but many people will not be fooled by lies either, especially not other Thais.

[canadiangirl]

I think here is a situation where us farang can learn from the Thai "saving face" approach. How easy will it be for your wife to make new friends, and get along with your friends and family if you announce to everyone back home that she used to be a prostitute?

One of my university friends put herself through school by working in a strip bar. You could never tell to look at her, and she definitely doesn't go around advertizing it. Why? If women find out, they think she's stupid, or some kind of victim to be pitied. If guys find out, they think she's a slut and fair game for all kinds of sexual harrassment. Do you want drunken acquaintances in your social circle to hit on your wife, thinking "once a whore, always ..." To you want the women you know to look down on her?

Sure, people will probably talk. Let them. You, on the other hand, should be loyal to your wife and stand by her. Ok, so she used to be a hooker. But now she is your wife.

[meadish_sweetball]

He hasn't married her yet...

[Mighty Mouse]

If she has tattoos covering her body with English names of her past boyfriends, your mates might just make a guess that she was not a corporate secretary in Thailand.

[esbobes]

The best to keep your wife's identity as a prostitute a secret is to marry someone who isn't one.

Truth is, you can expect a ton of crap from all your non prostitute family and friends. People aren't that stupid. Most people expect the worst as a default position.

None of my friends have this problem as none of us (23 friends ) have married bar girls or prostitutes.

Fact I have been in living in Pattaya for 10 years and I can say for sure I have never meet one and my wife doesn't known even one.

Are you sure she was a prostitute? Maybe you miss understand her

Edited June 19, 2007 by esbobes

[JimmyCA]

Hi All

First Post, hope my typing skills are upto it.

I am due to retrun to Thailand in approx 3 week's, have been a number of time's to South Asia, this time is make my mind up time.

Yes its about a girl I met recently, the short of it is that I cannot get her out of my head, if I bring her back to my home, this I have discussed with her, I will either have to blagg it (lie) or tell the truth.

I am 37 she is 24, she has worked in a bar on and off for 3 years in Bangkok and Hua Hin. If I take her back home to Eire do I tell everyone she is a Prostitute or do I lie?

What do the majority say, I have met a few guy's with Thai girl's all over the place, not one admitts she is Prostitute, to Lie will not sit easy with me.

What do you guy's tel your immediate family, your Children or Ex Wife etc. the plot thicken's.

Advice needed asap.

how about the truth,

are you concerned about marrying a prostitute or what other people will think about you marrying a prostitute

only you can answer your question

[hgvneil]

If the OP has genuine question,then go home tell your family/friends you met her in a bar where she worked.If he went out in Ireland and pulled the barmaid it wouldnt mean she was a pro.So if they never been to Thailand they probably wouldnt know the score. with the barstaff.If they have...then you got a dilemma.

[November Rain]

Well, I'm not sure if I'm impressed but 42 posts & no-one has asked "How does she feel about this truth or deception scenario?" So, I'm asking. Will she feel you're ashamed of her? Does she want to hide her past? Will she blurt it out, as another member suggested?

In your shoes, I would talk to my GF about this, before I started asking a load of strangers. Surely her views matter more than theirs?

[Mid]

Whoah young man.

You say you met the lady recently , she worked as a bar girl and you put the word "marry" in your post.

Us men have two brains which cannot function concurrently.

Most of us have been there , bought the tee shirt and thrown it away already.

Take it reasonably slowly. Spend time together (preferably out of a tourist area).

Bring her for a holiday to Ireland (if you can get her a visa).

Marry her when your head tells you , not your willy.

Good luck son , you may need it.

ignore the wise words above , at your peril .

[farangsay]

Well, I'm not sure if I'm impressed but 42 posts & no-one has asked "How does she feel about this truth or deception scenario?" So, I'm asking. Will she feel you're ashamed of her? Does she want to hide her past? Will she blurt it out, as another member suggested?

In your shoes, I would talk to my GF about this, before I started asking a load of strangers. Surely her views matter more than theirs?

Excellent point NR. In the middle of a debate full of blah blah somebody like you comes out of left field and asks a question nobody else had considered. Took a lady to do it ! Want to keep your head out of your rear end ? Listen to the womenfolk !

[BADBRAD]

None of my friends have this problem as none of us (23 friends ) have married bar girls or prostitutes.

Fact I have been in living in Pattaya for 10 years and I can say for sure I have never meet one and my wife doesn't known even one.

Are you sure she was a prostitute? Maybe you miss understand her

HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

[observer21]

The best to keep your wife's identity as a prostitute a secret is to marry someone who isn't one.

Truth is, you can expect a ton of crap from all your non prostitute family and friends. People aren't that stupid. Most people expect the worst as a default position.

None of my friends have this problem as none of us (23 friends ) have married bar girls or prostitutes.

Fact I have been in living in Pattaya for 10 years and I can say for sure I have never meet one and my wife doesn't known even one.

Are you sure she was a prostitute? Maybe you miss understand her

23 ferang friends - all married to wonderfull younger girls, who just love their elder husbands because of their charm and light skin tones.  Nothing to do with there ability to support a life style.  Well, or course not perish the thought!

Prostitution is a heavy word but as we all know it takes many forms - of course the lowest being a Pattaya beach walker and a bar girl coming a close second.  But what, i wonder do the gang of 23 consider a girl with a basic education whom has managed to get a job in a department store and find a ferang that way;  or a girl with a regular job who engages a ferang or 2 at the weekend to supplement her meager income; or a girl; at university in BKK who prostitutes herself to pay for her education; etc.

Some girls will fit into several catogaries so according to how you meet, will determine what they are to you.  So i wonder, of the gang of 23 how many are pulling the wool - perish the thought vicar!

Having said all that, 3 years in bar and her view on ferangs is likely to be cynacle with a capital C.  3 YEARS THATS HARDCORE MAN!

Edited June 19, 2007 by observer21

[qwertz]

Oberver, perhaps esbobe is a Thai man.

They don't marry BGs, they only make them.

[MTW]

As I was reading all the answers here, waiting to get to the end so I could reply, I was thinking exactly the same thing as what November Rain said, and also agree a lot with CanadianGirl. Since I am a woman too, I guess we all somewhat think alike.

Since you are marrying the woman, and not the other people who might be concerned, even though I understand some of those are family too, I think the best place to pose this question is to your woman. Since Thai people find it very easy to lie to smooth social wheels, she probably is not intending on taking a reputation as a hooker, with her into her marriage, and if she is, she probably doesn't understand that western people might have a different attitude about it then Thai people do.

If people think you are telling lies, who cares, okay maybe they are right. This at least can't be as insulting as it is for Asian women who came from a good family, have MBAs, and because she is married to a farang, sometimes people wrongly assume she was a hooker. Or even as insulting as it might be to a poor farmer girl who was a virgin when you met her, no matter if she was poor and not well educated.

More people will judge her in a negative way if you tell the truth, and only some people who will assume the worst will maybe judge her in a negative way. However, if you ask her what she would like, I am pretty sure she will like to gain the most face possible, and since status means a lot where she grew up, talking about her previous life will not be what she wants.

And just to add some different yet western ideas about things you did in the past: My ex-husband is a doctor. His sister is a Pamela Anderson look-alike and is an exotic dancer in Los Angeles. She has made a 6 figure income doing this, and never filed a tax-return in her life. Now she is 40 and has been going to university to become a school teacher, and also got married. She never directly says to anyone, what she does, including her parents, even though they know. And my ex-husband's mother and step-father were drug dealers. Big pot drug dealers in the San Fran area, they both have graduate levels of education, the father worked in law enforcement, once as a cop, later in the administration for the mayor, to root out corruption in government. When one of the partners in their cartel got murdered, everyone went to jail, including his father for at least a year while he fought his case. He was taken in by the cops at his big government job office. Everyone except my father-in-law ended up with 10-20 years of jail time. My FIL was the only person who was aquitted, even though he did it, I sometimes wonder if he was the person who did the murder and therefore was able to get rid of some info about himself, or he traded info in order to get set free.

My husband was an undergrad at this time, and he changed his name back to real father's name to try to help avoid a connection with his family and their business. But he also sold pot as a way to pay for school and live a better life at this time because that is what he had been taught from an early age. His parents did not keep it a secret, they lived in a big compound with security cameras everywhere, attack dogs, and allowed him to help count money and do various other things when he was a kid.

My husband finally stopped because he had good reasons to believe he was about to get busted. He moved far, far away for med school, and graduated number 7 in his class, from one of the top three schools in America. He is a great doctor. (Although he is also a pathological liar and likes to live a double life, but I don't think this is due to illegal activity he does now). He never talks to anyone about his past or his family's past. His sister never talks about what she ended up doing to make quick and (for her idea at least) easy money.

My sister-in-law hopes to be a primary school teacher, but do you think telling the truth about her past life will help her? Do you think my husband's clients would like to hear about his past and that it would be helpful in any way?

Maybe the Thai girl you marry will end up getting an education, will want a serious job, but won't be able to succeed if she cannot lie about her past. I am not naturally a liar, and actually think I would have a better time in life, if I lied more. But, if people are able to turn around their lives, they shouldn't be haunted by the past, and unable to improve their lot in life because of it.

So, I guess I want to say, yes ask her. But than also consider that in 20 years she might be a totally different person who she cannot even dream of being now, and that being honest to everyone, just for the sake of it, will not probably lead to any good. (Unless she wants to become a crusader for women who work in the sex industry after she gets her Ph.D, and wants to share her personal experience at that point.) But I would think giving her the freedom to "try on" a different life, would do her the most benefit. I hope she will find many opportunities to live a happy and content life with you, or after you if things don't work out, and that she will find an easier way to make money and survive.

Good luck to you both.

[qwertz]

MTW, you're right, people change a lot in 20 years.

Some of the wildest trollops I knew in my teenage (flower power etc.) are now very respectable matrons, doing good things and bringing up their daughters very correctly.

[observer21]

As I was reading all the answers here, waiting to get to the end so I could reply, I was thinking exactly the same thing as what November Rain said, and also agree a lot with CanadianGirl. Since I am a woman too, I guess we all somewhat think alike.

Since you are marrying the woman, and not the other people who might be concerned, even though I understand some of those are family too, I think the best place to pose this question is to your woman. Since Thai people find it very easy to lie to smooth social wheels, she probably is not intending on taking a reputation as a hooker, with her into her marriage, and if she is, she probably doesn't understand that western people might have a different attitude about it then Thai people do.

If people think you are telling lies, who cares, okay maybe they are right. This at least can't be as insulting as it is for Asian women who came from a good family, have MBAs, and because she is married to a farang, sometimes people wrongly assume she was a hooker. Or even as insulting as it might be to a poor farmer girl who was a virgin when you met her, no matter if she was poor and not well educated.

More people will judge her in a negative way if you tell the truth, and only some people who will assume the worst will maybe judge her in a negative way. However, if you ask her what she would like, I am pretty sure she will like to gain the most face possible, and since status means a lot where she grew up, talking about her previous life will not be what she wants.

And just to add some different yet western ideas about things you did in the past: My ex-husband is a doctor. His sister is a Pamela Anderson look-alike and is an exotic dancer in Los Angeles. She has made a 6 figure income doing this, and never filed a tax-return in her life. Now she is 40 and has been going to university to become a school teacher, and also got married. She never directly says to anyone, what she does, including her parents, even though they know. And my ex-husband's mother and step-father were drug dealers. Big pot drug dealers in the San Fran area, they both have graduate levels of education, the father worked in law enforcement, once as a cop, later in the administration for the mayor, to root out corruption in government. When one of the partners in their cartel got murdered, everyone went to jail, including his father for at least a year while he fought his case. He was taken in by the cops at his big government job office. Everyone except my father-in-law ended up with 10-20 years of jail time. My FIL was the only person who was aquitted, even though he did it, I sometimes wonder if he was the person who did the murder and therefore was able to get rid of some info about himself, or he traded info in order to get set free.

My husband was an undergrad at this time, and he changed his name back to real father's name to try to help avoid a connection with his family and their business. But he also sold pot as a way to pay for school and live a better life at this time because that is what he had been taught from an early age. His parents did not keep it a secret, they lived in a big compound with security cameras everywhere, attack dogs, and allowed him to help count money and do various other things when he was a kid.

My husband finally stopped because he had good reasons to believe he was about to get busted. He moved far, far away for med school, and graduated number 7 in his class, from one of the top three schools in America. He is a great doctor. (Although he is also a pathological liar and likes to live a double life, but I don't think this is due to illegal activity he does now). He never talks to anyone about his past or his family's past. His sister never talks about what she ended up doing to make quick and (for her idea at least) easy money.

My sister-in-law hopes to be a primary school teacher, but do you think telling the truth about her past life will help her? Do you think my husband's clients would like to hear about his past and that it would be helpful in any way?

Maybe the Thai girl you marry will end up getting an education, will want a serious job, but won't be able to succeed if she cannot lie about her past. I am not naturally a liar, and actually think I would have a better time in life, if I lied more. But, if people are able to turn around their lives, they shouldn't be haunted by the past, and unable to improve their lot in life because of it.

So, I guess I want to say, yes ask her. But than also consider that in 20 years she might be a totally different person who she cannot even dream of being now, and that being honest to everyone, just for the sake of it, will not probably lead to any good. (Unless she wants to become a crusader for women who work in the sex industry after she gets her Ph.D, and wants to share her personal experience at that point.) But I would think giving her the freedom to "try on" a different life, would do her the most benefit. I hope she will find many opportunities to live a happy and content life with you, or after you if things don't work out, and that she will find an easier way to make money and survive.

Good luck to you both.

Phew, got bored half way through (info overload).  Talking about a bar girl here my dear - you obviously dont understand the bar girl mentality

[tijnebijn]

What MTW is suggesting is very true . The examples she wrote down for why a lie does not in particular has to be bad ,is very touching . Also in thai culture it is like this , if the truth does not or cannot bring one further why is a lie bad ? Sometimes it is the better thing ,if not the generalisations from people cause only damage ,and nobody needs that. And by the way the past is the past ,nothing can be changed ,but yes one's mentality especially the way of observing and going along with things can.it is just in the way you look at things .

[Heng]

If people think you are telling lies, who cares, okay maybe they are right. This at least can't be as insulting as it is for Asian women who came from a good family, have MBAs, and because she is married to a farang, sometimes people wrongly assume she was a hooker. Or even as insulting as it might be to a poor farmer girl who was a virgin when you met her, no matter if she was poor and not well educated.

I don't think that most (city folks anyway) automatically assume anything. I know plenty of Thai-Farang couples where the local party was not selling there body. Still, numbers wise, it's hard to ignore all those where it was a part of the relationship though.

There are plenty of 'tells'... some of which include a fidgety lack of confidence on the part of the ex-hooker, trying to overcompensate by switching to rapid fire high volume pidgin about any random topic, and of course the obvious change of "where we met" story every few months/years (if they didn't lie in the first place... they wouldn't have to try to remember).

Edited June 19, 2007 by Heng

[canadiangirl]

He hasn't married her yet...

Oops! You're right. I don't know why I had that on the brain when I was replying. But I think that what I said still applies, even if he's bringing her home as his girlfriend.

[canadiangirl]

In your shoes, I would talk to my GF about this, before I started asking a load of strangers. Surely her views matter more than theirs?

Actually, I agree with this. Her view matters more than anyone else. I guess I assumed that she would want to hide her work as a bargirl but maybe she doesn't. At the same time, she might not realize how telling people about her past will influence how she is treated in your country, since it is a different culture for her. So I think both of you should think a lot about this and discuss it together.

[Bonaparte]

Hi

You said she was from Hua Hin, bet you got some crap advice from the half wits that live there. The Ex Pats that live there are all f#*k"@ up, they spend most of their spare time slagging each other off.

I play golf down their in Hua Hin, stay in the Hotels at night, if you venture out and meet the Ex-Pat's, when one leave's the other's slag him off.

Nasty little people.

Edited June 21, 2007 by Bonaparte

[Bonaparte]

Whoah young man.

You say you met the lady recently , she worked as a bar girl and you put the word "marry" in your post.

Us men have two brains which cannot function concurrently.

Most of us have been there , bought the tee shirt and thrown it away already.

Take it reasonably slowly. Spend time together (preferably out of a tourist area).

Bring her for a holiday to Ireland (if you can get her a visa).

Marry her when your head tells you , not your willy.

Good luck son , you may need it.

ignore the wise words above , at your peril .

This is about it son, if it run's out so will she.

[mellow1]

I personally advise against getting married to this woman and I suggest getting tested for AID's.

I don't mean to sound calloused,and I'm sure that there are prostitutes out there, that are very nice.It is of course strictly your choice.I have heard that "if you play with fire,you will probably get burned".I have noticed this to be true.I'm sure at 37 the playing field of divorced women,with 2.5 kids,and xtra 25Kilo,to be found at home leaves a lot to be desired.But if you didn't hang around with prostitutes you'd probably find a beautiful nice girl with some education.

If you decide to take her home lie and tell her to lie also.When you meet other Thais They will know right away,and they are not more accepting.

Either way good luck,but sometimes you make your own.

[kankaroo]

Just say she worked in bars and restaurants. That's all.

If they need to ask anymore.............

[Pepe']

Say she served sea food. "Clams and Sausage" kinda gives a new meaning to surf and turf... :D

[qwertz]

Say she served sea food. "Clams and Sausage" kinda gives a new meaning to surf and turf...

Or say, whatever she did, she certainly put her back into it.