Hi all, I'm not really a farang but a 2nd generation Chinese brought up in the US. But I really appreciate some advise from you gals about how seriously Thai guys take a relationship.

I got to know a Thai guy at a resort when I was on vacation. He's a staff at the resort. After I went back home, he emailed me and told me that he had a crush on me. I keep telling him that I take him as a friend. We email each other from time to time. 6 months later, I went to the same resort again. It so happened that he was going to the temple to be a 2-week monk. (My understanding is it's something that all Thai men have to go through before they get married.) He invited me to the ceremony and the party for that. I thought it's a chance to see some Thai culture. So I went. I didn't (and still don't) understand a word of Thai and none of his family members can speak English. But he introduced me to everyone, including his aunts, uncles and cousins... And although I didn't understand what they were saying, I sensed that they looked at me and treated me like I was his girlfriend. (E.g. they put me in the very front of the line, even ahead of some of his aunts and elder cousins, when walking into the temple for his ceremony.) And his parents took lots of pictures of me.

Do you think this guy is already thinking that by accepting "to be there for him at that important moment" means that I take him as my boyfriend? (He's asked me couple times whether he can be my boyfriend. Every time, I tell him clearly that we're friends, but can't be boyfriend, girlfriend.) And what about the family? They think that I'm his girlfriend? I like this guy but only as a friend. And I don't want to hurt him. And you know, when the family gets involved, things get even more complicated...

He's a very kind person. I really want to stay as a friend with him. I don't want to hurt him but how can I make myself clear to him with "min. damage"?

Sorry for such a long message. But really appreciate your thoughts.

Jojobee

> I'm not really a farang but a 2nd generation Chinese brought up in the US.

That's more than close enough I'd say. I'm not even female and still post here.

> Every time, I tell him clearly that we're friends, but can't be boyfriend,

> girlfriend.

Platonic friendship doesn't exist. At least one of the two people has (had) or will get a crush on the other. And especially in Thailand it doesn't exist.

> They think that I'm his girlfriend?

Well.. Please explain why this would be your problem.

> And I don't want to hurt him.

Ha. Sorry but that's life, people get hurt. Even you tell them 100 times you don't want a relationship then he'll still take the 1 perceived showing of affection as proof to the contrary. People the world over have 2 options in this case: Hurt him, or marry him. If you don't want to do the latter than the former remains.

> And you know, when the family gets involved, things get

> even more complicated...

Not for you it doesn't. He will lose face more, but sorry that's the risk he took when he decided to present this relationship thing as a fait accompli (sp?) to you and his family. Tough. 'Face' is important to Thai people, but if Thai people themselves don't take care to avoid embarassing situations then it's not your job to prevent him from losing face. Tough. (2).

> I really want to stay as a friend with him.

Doesn't work that way in my opinion. Easiest is to just leave him hanging until he gives up. The Western thing of 'having a good talk and being straight with him to clear the air' is not an advisable thing to do. Do what women have done for centuries: fade him softly.

Cheers,

Chanchao

You are possibly his ticket out, or at least he and his family see it that way. Let's see, guy working in a resort (what's his job?) making a big wad of about 3-4000 baht a month (75-$100 a month). You come along and show some interest and then do it again. You are salvation. I don't think the guy would ever give up trying to get to what he considers a better life. We do it in reverse. Expats come here to get away from all the crap in our countries (high cost of living to mention just one) and come here to hopefully have a restful experience.

chanchao is right, he put himself in the position to lose face, not you. I would agree that in the case where one person has a 'crush' on another person, friendship is extremely unlikely. Your best bet would be to tell him that there is nothing going on and then not reply to his emails or stay at that resort again. Sorry if this may ruin future holiday plans (especially if you really liked that resort) but you don't want it to turn ugly in the future.

I'll throw in a similar scenario that didn't have a 'fancy' or sexual dimension.

I was living in Nepal recently and I (a male) met a bartender (a male). He was getting married the following week and kindly invited me. When I reached his remote village I found out that a foreigner had never ever set foot in both his village and his wife's. Only four people (the groom's roommates) from outside the villages had been invited.

Naturally I felt quite honoured, but on the way to the wife's village for the marriage ceremony I discovered that I was the best man!

So, what were the motivations here? The groom and the villagers in general were genuinely honoured that a foreigner was gracing them with his presence. They were NOT after an expensive wedding gift as it was explained to me that if I splashed out and my gift was more expensive than the families' they would lose face.

A couple of weeks later I met up with my friend again. He persuaded me to crash at his place after his bar closed. He shared a room with four colleagues and now his wife, and he kicked his sleeping wife (not literally!) out of the bed so that I could have it. Next morning came the speel that I hoped for once wouldn't happen; I'm a poor student, now I have a wife to support, you best friend....you know.

Was all that in his mind when he first invited me or did it occur to him later? I don't know. But I can say that I spend my life working/living in Asia amongst the poorer sections of those societies and where the status imbalanced is pronounced platonic relationships with either sex are very difficult. The only ones I've so far developed have been amongst the people that work for me/work with and one exceptional family of devout Hindus. It's the most disappointing facet of the life I've chosen for myself but you always have to be aware of a likely hidden agenda. It may not be the same with middle-class/prosperous families but I have no experience to comment on that.

 

And you still married her right? ;-)) ?

Cheers,

Chanchao

 

> > And you still married her right? ;-)) ?

> No, I didn't marry her ... and I never saw her again.

Oh.. A couple of years ago, the father of my fiance also told me to never ever contact his daughter again. Fortunately she kept contacting me, so I didn't really go against what he said.

So in a way, if Thai father's opinions about Farangs haven't changed, then at least the level of authority that Thai fathers have over their daughters has diminished somewhat during the last 40+ years...

[is that a profound statement here or what.. ]

Cheers,

Chanchao