3 Jokes

[Jamesyboi]

A TOUGH OLD COWBOY COUNSELLED HIS GRANDSON THAT IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HIS, OATMEAL EVERY MORNING.

THE GRANDSON DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY TO THE AGE OF 103.

WHEN HE DIED, HE LEFT 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN,25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN AND A 15 FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.

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HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and

pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave

them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo'sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.

Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of the shower the whole time.

Admire willy size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the

'woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

John Howard was jogging in Canberra.

Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner.

He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost

certain to follow. 'Two hundred and fifty dollars!' she'd shout from

the curb.

'No! Five dollars!' He would fire back, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.

He'd run by and she'd yell, 'Two hundred and Fifty dollars!'

He'd yell back, 'Five dollars!'

One day, Mrs Howard decided that she wanted to accompany her husband

on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street

corner, Mr Howard realised she would bark her $250 offer and Mrs

Howard would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past

outings.

He figured he'd better have a darn good explanation for the 'Boss'.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner,

he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was

the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the

pair jog past.

Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled:

........'See what you get for five bucks, you tight bastard?!'