Keeping A Thai Boyfriend A Secret

[bruceboy]

I come from a place and time where homosexulaity is frowned apon and don't consider myself to be "gay". However I do on occasion like the company of a young man. I've become rather fond of a fine young fellow but being a happily married "straight" man makes it difficult to continue seeing him. Has anyone else ever been in this situation? Any advice to give?

[ProThaiExpat]

You are certainly not alone in this regard and many posters in this forum have been married to a woman before and had children. When the coming out stage begins, there is surely some experimentation with same sex partners that occurs before the marriage is dissolved.

I know it did with me. Marital infidelity is not unique to this situation and the means and methods are the same as among straight men having mistresses and side flings.

What continues, for a more prolonged time, is, after one has come out to himself and acknowledged your wants for another man, how does one hide this fact from society and those close to you, until you finally throw in the towel and stop hiding in the closet?

I recall many years when dear mom came for a visit and I let her sleep in my "roommates" room. I even went so far as to put some of his clothes in the guest closet and squinched them up to make more room for moms clothes. As a sign of my love and respect for dear old mom, I even "doubled up" in my bed with my "roomate" as we didn't have any other place for hiim to sleep. No mention made of the couches.

The ever present danger is of casually calling your "roommate" "darling" or some other term of endearment in front of mom, that is not an appropriate form of address for a "roommate".

And the beat goes on!!!

Edited July 23, 2007 by ProThaiExpat

[PeaceBlondie]

bruceboy, you may find yourself bending your ethical standards worse than a Jesuit priest. You may decide it's not adultery if you cheat on your wife with a man. Or, it's not a committment, just raw sex. In fact, these are the problems that push gay relationships further into that closet with the squinched up laundry. When I finally started telling my six children I was gay, the youngest ones were cool about it. One night when I told my 19 year old son and his friend who lived at our place that they had to leave for a couple of hours, and the friend asked why, Chris said, "Dad doesn't ask us who we bring home." Then the boys hid in the bushes to see who I brought home!

bruceboy, if you're gay or bisexual, you're the first person who has to come out to yourself.

[FranklyNoMore]

I come from a place and time where homosexulaity is frowned apon and don\'t consider myself to be gay. However I do on occasion like the company of a young man. I\'ve become rather fond of a fine young fellow but being a happily married straight man makes it difficult to continue seeing him. Has anyone else ever been in this situation? Any advice to give?

Sounds like you are in big time denial. Happily married? Yeah right. How can you be happy when you want some c*ck now and again but cant get it? And from where i come from people who like c*ck are gay and those who dont like the label gay live in denial of the truth. I would suggest some honesty wouldnt go a miss in your life, then you might understand happiness. Sadly youve been brainwashed and riddled with guilt by your lovely parents but its never too late to change your thinking. Imagine if your wife found out.

Go on be a man....a gay man!

[PeaceBlondie]

I left my wife of twenty years after I realized she was never going to have a banana in her pants.

[bruceboy]

Thanks Peace you seem to understand my situation. I'm not in denial. I'm happy about my weakness for my young man but don't wish to embrace the "gay" lifestyle and all the baggage that comes with it.

Edited July 24, 2007 by bruceboy

[PeaceBlondie]

Thanks Peace you seem to understand my situation. I'm not in denial. I'm happy about my weakness for my young man but don't wish to embrace the "gay" lifestyle and all the baggage that comes with it.

Fine, bruce, but I was surprised how much of that lifestyle and baggage still doesn't come with the decision to be exclusively gay, or to be unashamed to admit that preference to at least a limited number of trusted friends. I never did the insane club-hopping, drug and alcohol abuse, etc., that some of my gay friends did (and many of my straight friends). I never speak in falsetto unless it's patently obvious that I'm joking. Never wore women's clothes; still only sing a few Broadway show tones; still don't know all the terms and don't care. You can even select your favorite positions for penetration and avoid the rest. There is no official gay lifestyle.

[farang prince]

Thanks Peace you seem to understand my situation. I'm not in denial. I'm happy about my weakness for my young man but don't wish to embrace the "gay" lifestyle and all the baggage that comes with it.

And in the meantime, what about the missuz? Seems like she is the one being forgotten about here while you have your occasional romp with your bf. I was married three times before I realized that I enjoyed the company of men more the women (and not sexually at first). Once I decided that I would open my horizons it didn't take me long to find the love of my life. And we remain in a very committed relationship today. No matter who your partner is, they are at least owed some honesty.

[PeaceBlondie]

The wife is an important point at this stage of bruceboy's life; thanks to farang prince for mentioning that.

One more small point, bruceboy: your affections for the man may not be a weakness. More likely a strength.

[dukkha]

Ease up on the Jeuit bashing thou of Peace and Blondness...despite my 21 years of catholic indoctrination I am

able to understand some of the positive things these 'men' have contributed to the intellectual discourse over many

centuries..you might look to have a run through of the Dominicans, the Augustians and other religious congregations

whose exegisis have also contributed to the world as we know it..I was a member of Conggregation for 5 years who also

had a lot to say during Vatican 11..Hans Kung comes to mind and he paid dearly for his thoughts on the direction

that the church was heading..but as a non believer now all of this is in the past and its relevance, well who am I to

make any comment...But in an historical context the Jesuits have a lot to answer in relation to the Spanish Inqiusition..

I can only reiterate what has been written by scholars whose credentials far out way mine, and that is that religion is

one of the most forceful participants in the forum of terrorism..those who espouse a loving god seem to be somewhat

misguided, but that is only my opinion, and so many times I have been incorrect on this and other matters..having read

lots of what the Yankees are saying, Armagedon is not that far away..but hey, I dont mean to be heavy and yet

what I read in the Yankee press does not give me much hope for our future..Bush is willing to take us all to

the final end.....so scary!!!! Dukkha

[Krub]

I come from a place and time where homosexulaity is frowned apon and don't consider myself to be "gay". However I do on occasion like the company of a young man. I've become rather fond of a fine young fellow but being a happily married "straight" man makes it difficult to continue seeing him. Has anyone else ever been in this situation? Any advice to give?

I was in your situation for 12 years before I divorced my wife to be 'free' and have been happy ever after in my own lifestyle.

[expatwannabe]

It says a lot that you can admit to yourself that you're gay. But it'll say even more when you can admit it to your wife..

.. and family..

.. and neighbors.

Being gay isn't a metamorphasis after which you start talking with a lisp and singing show tunes. It's just a preference for sex partners.

Your wife deserves to know this, if she doesn't already.

Your interpretation of how to act is fine, irrespective of how you walk, talk, dress, etc. But give yourself the freedom to act and be comfortable.

I still recall the night I "came out" to myself as being the most restful night I've ever had.

[FranklyNoMore]

<br />Thanks Peace you seem to understand my situation. I\'m not in denial. I\'m happy about my weakness for my young man but don\'t wish to embrace the gay lifestyle and all the baggage that comes with it.

Brucie there is no more baggage in a gay relationship than in a straight one. Actually I would say there is more in a straight one if anything as kids are ofen involved. It appears you are as confused about being gay as you are about educating your daughter in Thailand. Of course you are in denial but you are going to denty that too. Your wife and kid will find out oneday. Its obvious because you cannot control your feelings. It just depends how they find out. The honest way or not. The fear you must live with must be such a burden to carry. You will know when the time is right to free yourself.

[toptuan]

The only hang-up I had with "Brokeback Mountain" was that it somewhat trivialized the initial commitment one character had made to a wife and family. I too was married to a wife and things dissolved over sexual issues when it took me half a decade to realize she couldn't do to me what a picture of Hercules at the Louvre could do to me. I readily admit that I made a tragic mistake thinking heterosexual marriage could "cure" me, or that one could have it both ways. I will always regret the havoc I caused in her life over my initial poor decisions about relationships.

That being said, it was critical that I move on and she move on. And, to prolong the agony was not fair to either of us. I believe I've done my repentance/merit/penance/whatever, and both of us are emotionally more healthy because of the parting of ways.

I fully empathize with the OP's feelings, but at the same time feel somewhat critical of the option that he may want to continue seeing his "fling" while keeping her in the dark. Probably time to "fish or cut the bait." If you make a marital move, be gentle and take full responsibility for breaking an initial commitment you made to her, reassuring her that it's YOUR problem and not hers. She'll still have the guilt associated with rejection, and you should at least make an attempt to help her through it, if she allows. On the other hand be prepared to live out the proverb "hel_l hath no fury as a woman scorned."

I wouldn't take a million bucks to go what you may have to go through to resolve this. Good luck.

Edited July 25, 2007 by toptuan

[endure]

Every time I read a story like this I feel immense relief that I never went through what some of you have had to. I realised I was gay when I was 12 and just accepted it without any problem. I have seen people who try not to accept themselves get into some fairly difficult situations. I went out with a guy who came out to his parents - an act which prompted his father to come out to the whole family. That was an interesting few months.

As for the Brokeback thing - autre temps, autre mores. Marriage was the only option available at that time and in that place.

In the UK we're just celebrating the 40th anniversary of the Sexual Offences Act 1967 which decriminalised (with many exceptions) homosexuality. There have been a number of TV programmes about it, one of which had young gay people who have never lived outside of the law. They were stunned to be told that being convicted of sodomy 40 years ago was a crime punishable by life imprisonment.

[toptuan]

I realised I was gay when I was 12 and just accepted it without any problem. I have seen people who try not to accept themselves get into some fairly difficult situations.

From a film critic's comments: "...But "Brokeback" also recognizes that when you're afraid to be yourself, it damages every relationship you have."

[Scott]

Bruceboy: Best of luck to you. Your certainly in a difficult situation and the potential for causing some pain is immense. Nonetheless, this is about you and your choices and your feelings. You will have to find your own path. Try to find a few friends who are helpful and supportive of what you are going through and willing to accept you for who and what you are.

I know a few (very few, but nonetheless, a few) married men who have remained married and seem to be reasonably happily married and have the occasional fling (actually more than occasionally) on the side. Cheers to them, the Mrs. and the kids, if they can all pull it off and are happy.

Most guys I know just eventually end up one way or the other. A few that I've talked to said it was easier when they were young because they could pretty much screw anything. As they got a little older performing in two different bedrooms got difficult and that's when their true preference began to show.

So, figure out who you are, what you want and in all sincerity, the very best of luck to you. We're here for you.