Help Improve My Translation

[garro]

This is a song from Wat Thamkrabok which I have transcribed in Thai from a CD. I have only managed to get down one verse with what I think are the correct words. I would be grateful if you guys would check it, especially my English translation which I know is a bit iffy. It's the best I can do at the moment and would be grateful for any feedback. I asked on another Thai website but haven't got much of a response yet so we will see which website has the most gifted translators.

เลิกให้ได้

คราวนี่ ต้องเลิกให้ได้

ถ้าเลิกไม่ได้ ต้องตายแน่ๆ

เลิกเสพติด เสียที่ดีแท้

ติดไปจนแก่ คงจะแย่สักวัน

ใครไหน่ก็รู้กันทั่ว

ถ้าขึนไปมั่ว

ต้องฉันจาบรร

เลิกเสพติด

ซะทีทั่วกัน

ถ้าเลิกไม่ได้ นั้นต้องตายแน่ๆ

์Now we must give up,

If we don’t give up we must definitely die,

Quit drugs, if really defeated (?)

Stick with it for long, Likely one day it will be terrible

Everybody around you knows

If you increase your indulgence

I must get you to make a vow

Quit drugs

Stop now together

If we don’t give up we must definitely die,

[meadish_sweetball]

Song lyrics tend to be free-form, so the first thing you need to decide is whether you want the translation to lean towards literal or poetic. Obviously the best translations are the ones that manage to pull off both. Here's two attempts of mine that don't really do either, but it was fun trying:

We really need to quit

If we can't do it we'll die for sure

Quitting our addiction, it's truly great

if you keep at it til' you're old, it will get you some day

No matter where or who, everybody knows

If you start to do drugs

You've got to take a vow

To quit those drugs, once and for all

If we can't do it we'll die for sure

It's time to quit being slaves

Not quitting our addiction sends us to an early grave

Come on, quit those drugs and try something new

Some day a lifetime of drugs will catch up to you

We all know it's true

Time to take a vow

to quit those drugs, to quit them right now

let's all quit together

Not quitting our addiction sends us to an early grave

[garro]

Well done meadish, you are a born poet.

The other Thai site only managed six views and no comments so you are definitely a winner.

I hope you don't mind me copying some of your ideas.

If I get a chance I might try copying down another verse in a few days.

I find it really hard going having to constantly rewind the CD (Can you rewind a CD?) to figure out the words but I suppose it is great practice.

[meadish_sweetball]

Sure, feel free to pick whatever you like and rearrange it as you see fit.

Please post your future efforts as well.

[garro]

I just need to make a slight correction. I misheard the line ต้องฉันจาบรร and it is actually ต้องช้ำจาบัลย์