Teacher

[A. BOOZER]

At Phoenix Sky Harbor airport yesterday, an individual later discovered

to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight

while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule,

and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney general John

Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra

movement.

He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math

instruction.

Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average

solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a

search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y'

and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they

belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates

in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to

say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle'."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had

wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have

given us more fingers and toes."