Sex Before Marriage

[meadish_sweetball]

There is a large number of Thai people (as well as some groups in the West) who think that sex before marriage is undesirable - and even 'un-Thai'. At the same time, this phenomenon is on the increase in younger generations.

There is seldom talk about boys having sex before marriage, since male sexuality and female sexuality are viewed differently - it is mainly the woman's right to have sex before marriage that is being discussed.

What are your opinions about this?

It would be interesting if this discussion was kept open for as many participants and views as possible - so if we could tone down the more blatant sex jokes...?

--------

I think you can argue this issue either way - for and against. Both sides have valid points to be made.

Personally, I believe sex should not be over-dramatized, and I also think women should have the same sexual freedom as men (not many people seem to care what a man does sexually before or even during marriage - it is women's sexuality that is under debate). If abstinence before marriage and monogamous living during marriage is the norm for women, so it should be for men. You could of course argue that both of these concepts are totally alien to human nature, as I am sure some will.

I am of course influenced by my upbringing in a Western country and having ready access to information about sex since I was quite small. I knew the mechanisms of sex when I started school at the age of seven (maybe even earlier, but I can't really remember) and I knew about prevention and basic relationships before I had my first "real" girlfriend at 15, because I had read about these matters in books and magazines written by adults, as teaching material for children.

I do not believe this harmed me, or any of the girls in my class for that matter. My studies were not disrupted because of this information, nor because I had girlfriends and some casual relations at times all through school until the end of graduating from University. Instead, I actually think it prepared me for having a functional and good adult relationship, by being able to talk about my feelings, listening to and showing respect for my partner, and resolving conflicts when they arise instead of backing away or retreating into a position of defence, which I might have done if I had had no previous exposure to relationships before things got serious.

Most of the people of my generation seem like reasonably balanced individuals today.

But then again, of course, it is easy to lock oneself into one's own perspective without seeing the points of people with differing views.

I just wish for my own children that they will also be treated with respect and a listening ear when they have questions about love and sexuality, even at a young age, instead of the adult laughing away their questions.

I know that many Thais, as well as others, disagree with this view, and I respect that we have different opinions.

But at this point in time, where sex and relations before marriage becomes more and more common in Thailand, no matter if we like it or not, I think it is very important that schools and parents make sure that their children receive proper and technically correct advice about sexual matters - even if the teachers and parents think that sex before marriage is wrong.

Why?

Because let us face the truth, young people do not always obey their parents, and it is much better that even if a girl disobeys her parents and has sex at a young age, she is at least using a condom to protect herself from STD and unwanted pregnancy.

Also, adults should provide guidance to teenagers so they do not grow up thinking that sexuality is the same thing as what is presented in the porn they can access through the Internet and other channels.

[elsie]

Parents (Thai, to be more specific) have always taught their daughter not to lose her virginity until the day she gets married. To save it for The One and Only. The concept is grand. If a girl can do so, I admire her from the bottom of my heart. But if she can't, I don't give a <deleted> either - under some circumstances. I mean, as long as she knows how to protect herself and that she will be responsible for whatever happens afterwards.

Sex plays a big part in a marriage. If I am going to be with someone for the rest of my life, I will want to be sure we are compatible in as many ways as possible - sexually compatible included (well, it's probably on my top 3 actually). I won't go into all gory details as I believe you know what I mean.

But then again, a few mates of mine have said I'm very westernised.

[Padkapow Guy]

If you were going to buy a car you would want to test drive it wouldn't you?

same/same

[andyinkat]

I'm not sure of the point of writing about general western perspectives on this forum - what about Thai attitudes.

Do you think there is a huge hypocracy in Thai society whereby it is common for a husband to have mistresses on the sly or visit prostitutes without incurring much shame, but it would be outrageous for a wife to do such a thing?

Is this the case or am I being simplistic?

[rod_kalashnikov]

 

[john b good]

If I am going to be with someone for the rest of my life, I will want to be sure we are compatible in as many ways as possible - sexually compatible included (well, it's probably on my top 3 actually). I won't go into all gory details as I believe you know what I mean.

At the age of 24, my daughter (who was still living at home at the time) and her boyfriend of two years asked me for permission to live together ... the reason being that they wanted to be sure they wanted to spend the rest of their lives together before marriage. A sensible move, IMO.

Agreed.

I have been with a few females in my day.

Caucasian and asian.

Perhaps more than I can remember and depending on who I am talking to, many more than I care to admit to.

IME (in my experience) I have taken out a few BG's and whilst they they look drop dead gorgeous with their clothes on, a number have not not come up too well when they are deviod of their clothes.

And I am not just talking about 'baggy belly' here either.

Some have had the most horrendous scars from accidents and / or operations.

It is a well known fact that here in the realm doctors (surgeons) are either not very competent (or just don't give a <deleted>) when it comes to post operative sewing up.

Now I can handle a lot (and one of the most beautiful girls I ever had the priviledge of getting up close to had a scar from her sacred place to her navel. I have never seen a more botched up attempt to close the wound. I could have accepted that (her) but 'in terms of what she was prepared to accept in the way of money for an ongoing relationship was just too much and the relationship went no further, sorry to say)

Another girl had had a child and post-birth the surgeon inserted some stitches and she was just so small (in her sacred place) that normal sexual connection was all but impossible.

Apart from that she was perhaps the most wonderful girl I have ever met in Thailand.

But coming back to the question of 'whether to do or not to do' before marriage IMO it would have destoyed the relationship had it gone on to marriage with out knowing the problems that would have layed (no pun intended) ahead.

I would not put it as crudely as 'If you were going to buy a car you would want to test drive it wouldn't you?' but I do think that you need to know what you are getting into (again no pun intended)

I'm for trying it out before hand and with that will also come the knowledge that you are compatible in the other important ways as well.

It is better to find out before it is too late (IMHO)

[falong]

I am for sex before, during, after, and in between marriages.

[orchis]

If sex before marriage is permitted for men only who do they do it with? Each other?

[elsie]

If sex before marriage is permitted for men only who do they do it with? Each other?

Ever heard of Married women?

It's not permitted for men only. Wayyyy back then, women just waited until they got married to get some (so men probably got married to get laid? Not talking about mia noi though). Time's changed. Women started not to take it as seriously. And now, almost everyone is getting some.

I'd seen my super ex boyfriend (a Viking) for 6 months. And he mentioned moving in together - while he would move from Phuket to live next door. Something happened and we were history. I asked my Mum later about this and she said, if we had been together for quite some time, then that should have been all right. I could start with staying over at the bf's on weekends and then I could take it from there.

[Monsterman]

did prehistoric man have sex?? i think so or we i mean all mankind would not be here just tell your kids to protect themselves i think a girl that saves herself is a strong girl and if a man saves himself he is very strong. sex is sex making love is a different beast altogether when your married this should take place more often

[meemiathai]

Do you think there is a huge hypocracy in Thai society whereby it is common for a husband to have mistresses on the sly or visit prostitutes without incurring much shame, but it would be outrageous for a wife to do such a thing?

I don't think it is hypocracy. It is just inequality between men and women.

[meemiathai]

If sex before marriage is permitted for men only who do they do it with? Each other?

Women with husbands of course!!!! You silly .....!

[Sexy Beast]

Sex before marriage was considered unethical in Elizabethan society as well and that is where such a pathetic concept lies – in the past.

[KevinN]

did prehistoric man have sex?? i think so or we i mean all mankind would not be here just tell your kids to protect themselves i think a girl that saves herself is a strong girl and if a man saves himself he is very strong. sex is sex making love is a different beast altogether when your married this should take place more often

Right,,making love is what a woman does while a guy is screwing her.

[wolf5370]

My wife (of over 6 years now) was from an upper-middle class family.

When I started courting (old fashioned word!) her, we were chaperoned. This lasted for two years almost. It was as much as we could do to get a quick cuddle in why Auntie someone-or-other, was in the loo! About 2 weeks before our wedding, and after paying the deposit (sin-sot - refunded on completion on service - i.e. after the wedding), this was eased off. We did not see it was necessary to wait the remaining time. I expect this was why we were suddenly free, so we could test our suitability in otherways.

This was the longest I had gone without sex since I was 13. In the UK I had always had a girlfriend, and always (since 13) had a sexual relationship with them. This allways caused problems (not least a kid at 15 - whoops). If I had know before courting her that I was in for such a period of abstantion, then maybe I might had thought differently. However, as I was not aware from the outset, and as I stayed the chase, it became quite easy. We actually built a good reltionship without spending all the time between sheets; we learned how to talk and have fun outside of sex. We became partners and friends in love, well before we became sexual partners.

...and we are still together; still crazy about each other; still very much in love. She was the first (and only) partner I ever had (including my ex-wife and a few engaged-but-no-cigar partnerships) that my Mother actually liked.

I think it does help make for a better long term relationship (did with me at least); it keeps the party light-hearted (without getting too heavy, too soon) and lets you know if you actually like each other rather than just lust after each other. It also helps to build trust.

[Girlfrombar]

'Sex Before Marriage' is the state of frustration for several Thai women (at least ME and my greatest lifetime friends)

Being in the late 20's, I myself considered as 'adult woman'

in the adolescence, we were taught/earred/brainwashed by evening soap opera series, japanese comics, traditional Thai classic novels, etc., that 'virginity' is precious female's treasury.

The picture of LOVE and SEX always went together in my idea

i thought it was kind of the same thing/feeling; u have SEXual intercourse BECAUSE OF LOVE.

My ideal of the love was/ (partly) is to 'keep' the pureness to the one u wait for

hopefully that he would understand and gave me his love too. He would be the guy who i MUST marry with.. my soulmate.

My more than idealistic affection is the 'platonic love' - the love without cloth-off

Once in my uni time, the Dean of Brother said this:- Men give love for SEX in return, Women trade off sex for the LOVE. He meant to tell us - the girls - that

love differs from sex, sex is not love and vice versa

i doubtfully believed his word.

The time passed and my innocence was distorted

by tearing the custom, my old me have learnt that 'Sex Before Marriage' is neither right nor wrong

Sometimes it takes u for grant, sometimes not

the main of my concern is what might happen after (if) we committing to do the sex (casual sex is other topic) and i'm sure that several Thai women think the same

In Thailand, having sex before marriage is something like taboo for the girls, (WHY NOT for the guys also -- still wondering)

we still avoid talking clearly when it comes to the sex topic

Some parents don't really know if their teenage sons/daugthers have had physical relationship with their gfs/bfs

This is SAD but TRUE, some teenage couples have hidden what they are real 'behaving', in front of the family, they seem to be 'little boys/girls' but they turn to be the most dickheads/bitches just right behind their back.

Sex Before Marriage might be the right deed for someone who is lucky to find the contemporary-mind partner but also might turn up side down to the tragedy for those who are used by the no-heart mate

Thai women/men should realise that sex is just like eatting rice, we're hungry, we eat, we're full, we stop but we will get hungry again. (You CAN CHOOSE what TO or what NOT to take in ur mouth right)

We should take it NATURALLY (different from ANIMALLY)

The family should talk openly with the children.

The pro of Sex Before Marriage is that;

we throughout know what sort of PERSON who we ourselves are about to tying/tied the knot (or the chain or the trap)

so that we won't have any surprises or shocks just the day after marriage

and (maybe) we won't say any similar but classic sentence that he/she has changed, not like before marriage.. bah bah.

my favourite quote:- It takes 2 to tango!

for marriage YES only for the TWO

but not sure for the sex, sometimes it seems to take even 3 or so!!

Girlfrommmmbar.

[Girlfrombar]

Sex Before Marriage might be the right deed for someone who is lucky to find the contemporary-mind partner but also might turn up side down to the tragedy for those who are used by the no-heart mate

= BOOM BOOM and then BYE BYE (!)

[marquess]

Wake up! All this no sex before marriage, is a concept that predates modern contraception. Now that that the latter exists. Do as you please as long as you are careful. As to those who wish to adhere to the outmoded form of thinking. Good luck to them!

[andyinkat]

That was a very interesting and thoughtful post from Girlfrombar. Earlie rin the thread I asked about thai views on this topic and she has offered us very valuable insights.

What girlfrombar was focussing on was the emotional aspect from a female perspective. There is no contraception for this. I don't think that's outmoded.

[wolf5370]

I know a girl in BKK - she's about 19. Her Aunt lives in the UK and had 'arranged' a boyfriend for her from there. He was a divorcee in his late 30's.

The Aunt convinced the girl's mother that in the UK men expect to have sex after the first 'date'. The mother told her daughter to do this.

The enevitable happens. He comes to BKK. They go out for the day. She stays with him at the hotel. They go "boom-boom" with no rubber, because "he doesn't like rubber". The next day he leaves for a 'short trip' to Pattaya to do some 'site seeing' - his first time in LOS. He does not come back. Goes home to the UK, and will not answer her calls or letters. He tells the Auntie in the UK that she tried to get pregnant and trap him (?). She cries constantly for the next few weeks and thinks she ruined and not attractive (or crap in bed).

The Aunt is Thai, is married to a Thai, can hardly speak English (let alone read or write) and does not socialise outside of her family (in fact she works in her Thai hubby's restaurant 7 days a week and lives above). She has no idea what English men want, but the girl's mum thought she must.

The man may have been interested, but he probably thought that if she was that easy, she was putting it about everywhere.

Its a re-working of the old "scantily clad women is sexier than naked ones" thing. Your imagination is better than reality and it builds up and up over time. This, strangely does not always lead to a bigger disapointment, mostly it elevates your enjoyment.

Boom-boom for one night stands. Build up to heavy for a long term relationship.

[meemiathai]

Some men(a lot) are jerks!

And that's why some guys pay for sex, so that nobody gets hurt.

[RDN]

Sex plays a big part in a marriage. If I am going to be with someone for the rest of my life, I will want to be sure we are compatible in as many ways as possible - sexually compatible included (well, it's probably on my top 3 actually).

Sex is not the most important part of a relationship, but is clearly near the top in most people's list. If you love your girlfriend and if she loves you, you will each do your best to make the other happy - that includes sex. Give it time, she will get to know what you like and you will get to know what she likes. Take your time. If you haven't got time, pay for it .

P.S. Oops, nearly forgot - you've stopped running, LC. What happened?

[elsie]

Sex is not the most important part of a relationship, but is clearly near the top in most people's list...........

P.S. Oops, nearly forgot - you've stopped running, LC. What happened?

Of course it's not the most important part. Even a mad chick like me still only has on my top 3. Not that I'm sex addicted.

PS. I have? I'm still running on this PC...

[KevinN]

If you were going to buy a car you would want to test drive it wouldn't you?

same/same

and women say that there is no need to buy the hog when you just want a little sausage either.

LTC,,you are not running here either,in fact the nice avitar is gone and you are back to your old one.

[mbkudu]

If I am going to be with someone for the rest of my life, I will want to be sure we are compatible in as many ways as possible - sexually compatible included (well, it's probably on my top 3 actually). I won't go into all gory details as I believe you know what I mean.

At the age of 24, my daughter (who was still living at home at the time) and her boyfriend of two years asked me for permission to live together ... the reason being that they wanted to be sure they wanted to spend the rest of their lives together before marriage. A sensible move, IMO.

Agreed.

I have been with a few females in my day.

Caucasian and asian.

Perhaps more than I can remember and depending on who I am talking to, many more than I care to admit to.

IME (in my experience) I have taken out a few BG's and whilst they they look drop dead gorgeous with their clothes on, a number have not not come up too well when they are deviod of their clothes.

And I am not just talking about 'baggy belly' here either.

Some have had the most horrendous scars from accidents and / or operations.

It is a well known fact that here in the realm doctors (surgeons) are either not very competent (or just don't give a <deleted>) when it comes to post operative sewing up.

Now I can handle a lot (and one of the most beautiful girls I ever had the priviledge of getting up close to had a scar from her sacred place to her navel. I have never seen a more botched up attempt to close the wound. I could have accepted that (her) but 'in terms of what she was prepared to accept in the way of money for an ongoing relationship was just too much and the relationship went no further, sorry to say)

Another girl had had a child and post-birth the surgeon inserted some stitches and she was just so small (in her sacred place) that normal sexual connection was all but impossible.

Apart from that she was perhaps the most wonderful girl I have ever met in Thailand.

But coming back to the question of 'whether to do or not to do' before marriage IMO it would have destoyed the relationship had it gone on to marriage with out knowing the problems that would have layed (no pun intended) ahead.

I would not put it as crudely as 'If you were going to buy a car you would want to test drive it wouldn't you?' but I do think that you need to know what you are getting into (again no pun intended)

I'm for trying it out before hand and with that will also come the knowledge that you are compatible in the other important ways as well.

It is better to find out before it is too late (IMHO)

Scars, looks ect, mean nothing; it's all in the performance and horsepower.

[duke69]

To be fair I had sex during the wedding, the only problem was that the bishop wanted to partecipate and my wife was not his first choice.

..... still hurts .... !!

[p1p]

The American religious Right wing are all gung ho about total abstinence before marriage, even going so far as to teach that condoms are ineffective.

Forgetting the rights and wrongs of premarital relations, I believe the above to be a crime against humanity.

Premarital sex: horses for courses. There is no universal truth. However the male and female outlook must inevitably differ to some extent due to their boilogical differences and differing requirements from a relationship.

[rod_kalashnikov]

 

[Padkapow Guy]

The American religious Right wing are all gung ho about total abstinence before marriage, even going so far as to teach that condoms are ineffective.

Forgetting the rights and wrongs of premarital relations, I believe the above to be a crime against humanity.

Premarital sex: horses for courses. There is no universal truth. However the male and female outlook must inevitably differ to some extent due to their boilogical differences and differing requirements from a relationship.

Can I ask what country you are from.?

[meom]

I not understand why sex and marriage should be linked. Been living together with my tgf for ten years now; we not believe in the institute called marriage but we sure have sex.