Adapting To Thailand

[bat69]

Hi All,

I was ready the following topic

http://www.thaivisa.com/forum/index.php?sh...145695&st=0

which was very interesting to say the least but I couldn't help wondering about the oppsoite happening.

My GF and I met in Sydney and I have sponsored her to get permanent residency. We have been together for nearly 2 years.

I have never travelled to Thailand (or over seas for that matter) but am travelling over there in November for 3 months with her.

I really do not know what to expect. I do not know the language, we will be staying at her parents place for some of the time (at least the first 2 weeks initially). I am not sure if her dad even knows the extent of our relationship. She talks to her mum about it but it is never mentioned when she speaks to her dad.

I know we will have to sleep in seperate rooms etc which I can accept and respect but my gf says she is going to sneek in during the night.

Has any one been in a similar situation. Is there any tips that may help me adjust.

Thanks in Advance

Bat69

[kiakaha]

I met my thai wife in NZL many moons ago in university, she was born and raised there to thai immigrant parents...funnily enough i got transferred to Thailand, many years later and I'm still here god ###### it !

[GuestHouse]

Prepare yourself for a change in our girlfriends behaviour.

When she returns to Thailand she'll also be returning to Thai Culture, which places a lot of contraints on her behaviour (above the relative freedom of westerns society) - an example might be showing effection in public, acceptable in the west, frowned on in Thai society.

Also be aware that 'family expectations' may not include some westerner dating their daughter/grand-daughter/sister/cousin/nice.

I'd say tread slowly, be on your best behaviour but brace yourself for some changes.

Oh and enjoy Thailand.

[Aussietraveller]

Do you know where your Girlfriends parents live?

In a city or a village?

Are they poor or well off?

What are you plans after the first two weeks?

The more detail you can give us, the more we can help you.

There are many Australians in Thailand, and we all survive.

I love the place, sometimes better than OZ.

[Sarge]

brace yourself for a cultural shock, life outside OZ is very different to what you are used to, mate. In Thailand even more so, can't see a country and people who are more different. But that will open your mind and make you want to travel more often. One thing you haven't told us, which part of Thailand is your bird from? that can make a difference.

[pete_r]

Assuming your girlfriend's family is like most Thai people with limited experience of westerners I've met, they will be curious about you and at the same time nervous about interacting with you. Be prepared for the attention, and prepare your behaviour to reassure them and show that you are easy to interact with. I think it's the key point for a first visit.

By easy to interact with I mean avoid showing you're annoyed or angry (if you happen to be), it seems to be one thing westerners have a reputation for which scares Thai people. Also don't get defensive if you feel embarassed, invaded, or don't understand what's going on. It's ok to disagree but keep your smile (chai yen). Anything that bothers you, ask questions later in private with your girlfriend, I've learnt a lot about Thailand that way.

Once the family is convinced that you are ok (hopefully they will be ok for you too, it goes both ways), it's great.

[bat69]

Sorry, was in a rush when I first posted. I will answer the below questions.

Do you know where your Girlfriends parents live?

They live in Som Pran in the Nakon Pathom province which I think is about 30-40 minutes west of Bangkok. It is an industrial area.

In a city or a village?

I would assume this would be a city? A lot of her relatives live close by.

Are they poor or well off?

They are not well off but are I don't think they are poor. Both her parents work in a beverage factory close to their home 6 days a week.

What are you plans after the first two weeks?

We paln to travel to the North (Chiang Mai & Chiang Rai), south (couple of islands maybe, Hua Hin, Pattaya). Apart from that I am not sure. Don't want to plan too much and take things as they come. We will be using her parents place as a base between trips.The more detail you can give us, the more we can help you.

There are many Australians in Thailand, and we all survive.

I love the place, sometimes better than OZ.

The only Thai I know is suwadee krup (Spelling??). I have siad this to her mum on the phone once and also wished her a happy mothers day one time (my gf telling me what to say). Their english is very limited.

I think her mum is excited to meet me. She wanted a photo sent over (which we did) so she could show all her relatives. I am not really worried about her mum. It is mainly her dad.

I have wanted to learn Thai but have just been so busy working 2 jobs to save money to come that I have just not had time.

Thanks for your reply. If you need any more info just ask

Bat69

[bat69]

Prepare yourself for a change in our girlfriends behaviour.

When she returns to Thailand she'll also be returning to Thai Culture, which places a lot of contraints on her behaviour (above the relative freedom of westerns society) - an example might be showing effection in public, acceptable in the west, frowned on in Thai society.

Also be aware that 'family expectations' may not include some westerner dating their daughter/grand-daughter/sister/cousin/nice.

I'd say tread slowly, be on your best behaviour but brace yourself for some changes.

Oh and enjoy Thailand.

We have already talked about showing affection in public. She will definately not do it around her family which I can respect but has said when we travel away from her home then it will be ok to.

This is one of the reasons I am so worried about her sneaking into my room to sleep when at her place. I have told her I do not want her to do this especially in the first 2 weeks we are there. I just want to sus the situation out before pissing her father off straight off the bat.

I have used this site constantly soon after meeting my gf and it has been one of the best sources of information and I thank the creators and all of the members. A lot of the information are peoples opinions but it is good to see differing opinions. i am sure I will have my own opinions in the near future.

[Tim207]

I highly recomend the book Culture Shock Thailand. Although the advice in it doesn't need to be strictly adhered to it will help to keep you from making some faux pas. It will also be very helpful in giving you an idea of what to expect and what is expected of you. Simply knowing how and when to bow will win you big points with the family.

[Daewoo]

Bat69

G'Day Bat,

Where abouts in Aus are you???

Cop Kun Cup ... Thank you... you will learn a little Thai, and have some fun with it... It is hard when you are in a family setting and everyone is talking (mostly about you) and you don't have a clue what they are talking about... your girlfriend will get tired of translating all the time, and you will just sit there with a stupid grin on your face and laughing when they laugh...

Her mum and Aunties will be all touchy feely... making all the noises that you are strong and handsome, but don't get touchy feely with their daughter... in many working Thai families, the girl will be a virgin until they are married... even holding hands in public outside of Bangkok and some of the other big cities is frowned upon...

Exoect your girlfriend to change 90 degrees when you arrive... she will be very polite to all the men, getting them food and drinks (like a good girl should ), try and keep that going for as long as you can...

The hardest thing for you is going to be the lack of communicating... and the reliance on your girl to help you with everything...

but I bet you have a blast and that after this you will hardly be able to think of anything other than travelling...

Cheers,

Daewoo

[geriatrickid]

I think it's great that you are visiting the family. She wouldn't be bringing you home unless she thought you were special. I know you have heard it a million times already, smile, no matter how difficult and don't raise your voice, even if joking, as thais spook easily when voices are raised.

One delicate item. Have you discussed toilet facilities with her? many Thai homes are not equipped with western facilities (some of you can smirk all you want, but I couldn't poo for 2 days when visited my friend out in the boonies, as I wasn't about to hazard missing the hole) Be nice to the grandparents if they are around, especially grandma, as she can carry alot of emotional influence.

If you are worried about the food, you can say long before the meal, that traveling left you with a delicate stomach etc., this way they will understand why you may not eat some things instead of them getting offended.

I hope you have a great time.

[bat69]

I think it's great that you are visiting the family. She wouldn't be bringing you home unless she thought you were special. I know you have heard it a million times already, smile, no matter how difficult and don't raise your voice, even if joking, as thais spook easily when voices are raised.

One delicate item. Have you discussed toilet facilities with her? many Thai homes are not equipped with western facilities (some of you can smirk all you want, but I couldn't poo for 2 days when visited my friend out in the boonies, as I wasn't about to hazard missing the hole) Be nice to the grandparents if they are around, especially grandma, as she can carry alot of emotional influence.

If you are worried about the food, you can say long before the meal, that traveling left you with a delicate stomach etc., this way they will understand why you may not eat some things instead of them getting offended.

I hope you have a great time.

Hi Geriatrickid,

We have had very lengthy discussions about the toilet. Mostly her trying to explain exactly what it is like and me asking heaps of questions because I do not understand. The first time we discussed it I ended up proclaiming "So its like a bush dunny then"!!! I then had to try and explain to her what a bush dunny is. In Oz, some of our remote national parks have toilets that are inside a cubicle and are basically a huge pit in the ground with a toilet seat built over the top. After I explained this she told me that hers does not have a seat. <deleted>!!! It was pretty funny.

So any way I have a bit of an idea but don't know if I will be able to use it. They do have a western toilet outside but I don't think it works properly. I don't fancy dropping the kids at the pool and then they can't get home!!!

[jetjock]

I have wanted to learn Thai but have just been so busy working 2 jobs to save money to come that I have just not had time.

Bat69

(edited)

No problem to learn Thai. Just spend a few hours a day for the next 30 years and you should have it down fine.

I think you will find your visit to Thailand an exciting and wonderful experience so would not worry about it but just enjoy yourself and your new prospective family.

[Aussietraveller]

Bat 69,

from what you say, the house probably has a squat toilet.

more info on squat toilet here

I think that you are going to Sam Phran, so you are not too far out in the boonies.

Day trips in to Bangkok are not too much of a problem.

Hua Hin is a few hours down the road (south), and IMHO a lot nicer than Pattaya.

Food may be a bit of a challenge, when you are at her parents house.

You should find a 7-11 nearby, so you can always find something.

If you are out and see a Tesco or Big C, drop in and do a little food shopping for yourself.

My Thai in Laws live a very different life to me, but they are lovely people.

Relax and enjoy getting to know them.

Thailand is addictive, and i am sure that you will love it.

[bat69]

Thanks for all the posts guys.

Aussietraveler you are right it is Sam Phran

You have put my mind at ease somewhat. I think it will be best to just go with the flow when I get there.

Thai food isn't really a problem for me because I love it including really hot so that is one thing I am really looking forward to.

Cheers

Bat69

[wileycoyote]

You will be fine.

That Culture Shock book will set the tone.

I think the most important is to be of "happy heart" and think before you say anything.

Thai culture is interesting,but there is more attention to keeping within one's own personal limits .

Good Luck,a whole new world is opening for you

Enjoy this life experience

Wiley Coyote

[kangeroo]

hi bat 69.

Hope you are still around to check this post one day.

I went through the same situation as you will go through but i had traveled around asia alone before,my problem was the loo in the village i couldnt get balanced properly . ha ha ha so i tied a rope from the roof hanging down some thing to grab .

[Artisi]

Good luck with your visit, I know it can be a tough call especially as you have not had any exposure to Thailand. The main thing is to remain calm, smile, look interested even if you are completely bewildered, be respectful of the family, especially the senior members - take the lead from your g/f as she will (or should) be looking after your interests. Whatever she does within the family will be the right thing in her and her families eyes -- agree, smile and look approving of her actions and everything will be OK - the main things is to be jai yen yen - cool heart and sanuk - have fun.

[damian5000]

Maybe I missed it, but what part of Thailand will you be coming to?

I think things may be a little tougher if you're going to a village, but if you're going to one of the cities - not so much. Internet / discos / western food if you like (I personally eat Thai 99% of the time).

I've spent the majority of my time in Chiang Mai and though you don't usually see Thai partners making public displays of affection, I've never been looked at strangely for holding hands or hugging in public (my GF is Thai). In the villages this might not be the case.

[Tim207]

Whatever she does within the family will be the right thing in her and her families eyes -- agree, smile and look approving of her actions and everything will be OK - the main things is to be jai yen yen - cool heart and sanuk - have fun.

I have to disagree with this a little. For the most part it is true but she may also feel torn between what she knows you want and what her family expects. An example being that she says she will sneak into your room at night. However much you assure her that she should act according to custom she will still want to make you happy also (which oddly enough is custom), and what a farang expects/is used to does not always conform to Thai custom. You won't be able to tell when she is making compromizes for you so don't worry too much about that, just don't asume that everything she does is is completely appropriate in Thai custom.

PS: Get the book. It is an easy and fun read that will not only help you with this trip but also in understanding her.

[intumult]

Worried about the father? Nah. It is often the case that the mother is the boss.

I agree with others. Thailand will come as a culture shock. It will help loads if your g/f can guide you through on what you can and cannot do as there are basic rules for Thailand.

Living in the same house as the family will be difficult for both sides and again, this is where the g/f comes in.

Took the family a few weeks to get used to me being amongst them and living with my last g/f. But patience on both sides led to a good understanding. Humour helped too, as did buying a few beers for all and sitting outside on an evening drinking with the family.

If they offer you things it is considered very impolite to refuse.

Regards showing affection with your g/f, yes be aware that apart from holding hands outside the house that little else is regarded as ok. Even inside the house care needs to be taken if the MIL or other family members are about.

You can always go to a hotel for a weekend break

Be patient, relax and have a good time.

[britmaveric]

When she returns to Thailand she'll also be returning to Thai Culture, which places a lot of contraints on her behaviour (above the relative freedom of westerns society) - an example might be showing effection in public, acceptable in the west, frowned on in Thai society.

[howtoescape]

My advice would be just act yourself, if the girl likes you for who you are then surely the family will.

I may be wrong as i usually am but if you read some stupid book on the do's and dont's of Thailand you'll be a nervous wreck and totally confused.

Dont try waiing youll look like a tit.

Your not Thai you never will be so why bother acting like the best behaved text book Thai ever.

So long as your polite and dont pinch the mothers ass youll have no probs, i think that applies to all cultures

[pete_r]

Dont try waiing youll look like a tit.

I see waiing as a body move like shaking hands or dancing. If you can learn to shake hands or to dance, you can learn waiing. It feels awkward at the beginning, then it becomes natural.

As a foreigner, one can get away with not waiing, but it leaves a feeling that something is missing, like when someone doesn't shake hands when it is expected in the West. Better to try to do it, even if it's not perfect (imho). For the OP, he could ask his girlfriend's family to show him how to wai, a good occasion to have some fun together.

[Tim207]

My advice would be just act yourself, if the girl likes you for who you are then surely the family will.

I may be wrong as i usually am but if you read some stupid book on the do's and dont's of Thailand you'll be a nervous wreck and totally confused.

Dont try waiing youll look like a tit.

Your not Thai you never will be so why bother acting like the best behaved text book Thai ever.

So long as your polite and dont pinch the mothers ass youll have no probs, i think that applies to all cultures

Your first point to act like yourself is good but the rest is a bit nieve. Being aware of customs is the best way to avoid a lot of confusion. There is no need to obsess over doing everything right because people understand that you won't know things but when someone corrects your behavior it is nice to understand why. It also helps to avoid embarrassment of your girlfriend. Not least of the benefits is that it shows her family that you care enough to try to be polite even if you do (and you will) make a lot of mistakes.

As for refusing to wai, it may look funny to you but that is probably a combination of you seeing farangs doing it incorrectly and or inappropriately. It is often overdone by farang. As someone else said, it is like a handshake. If you do not wai people may understand that it is not your custom but it still leaves a vague awkwardness in the meeting.

My guess is that you don't have many dealings with people outside the tourist service industry or expat community. The OP is asking about meeting his girlfriend's family, people that I am sure he wants to leave with a good impression and may be dealing with long into the future. This is not just a casual meeting of people he will never deal with again.

You are also right that he is not Thai nor will he ever be. That has nothing to do wit being polite and being someone his girlfriend and her family can feel proud of. I once overheard my mother in law speaking with a relative about me. The relative remarked on how she was pleasantly surprised that I knew how to be polite and then went on to talk about rude behavior of some farang she had seen. I was very happy to hear my mother in law talking about me with pride rather than embarrassment. I don't give up my culture or try to act Thai but where Thai culture doesn't conflict with my own I am more than happy to adapt a little so that the people around me feel comfortable.

[papaya9]

Watch all friendly requests for money!

[howtoescape]

My guess is that you don't have many dealings with people outside the tourist service industry or expat community. The OP is asking about meeting his girlfriend's family, people that I am sure he wants to leave with a good impression and may be dealing with long into the future. This is not just a casual meeting of people he will never deal with again.

I spent a couple of months with the Thai gf's family out in the sticks and her main worry was my dress code that my shoes were clean and my trousers pressed.

I more or less behaved as i would when meeting an English girls family for the first time, at first i felt 1 or 2 family members didnt trust me, after a few days the father and mother were doing all kinds of things for me to make me feel welcome.

[Tim207]

I spent a couple of months with the Thai gf's family out in the sticks and her main worry was my dress code that my shoes were clean and my trousers pressed.

Was she thinking "at least I can make him look acceptable"?

I more or less behaved as i would when meeting an English girls family for the first time, at first i felt 1 or 2 family members didnt trust me, after a few days the father and mother were doing all kinds of things for me to make me feel welcome.

That is the Thai custom. Once they found that you were not about to explode at any second they relaxed a little. It doesn't mean they enjoyed you scratching your back with their Buddha statue or joking about ghosts. The point being, Thai people will generally be polite and friendly to their guests. This does not necessarily indicate their feelings, particularly if you are of much higher status then they are.

The fact that you can get by without much understanding of Thai customs does not mean that it is a good way to meet the family of someone you are serious about. Sure he would be fine just showing up but from his original post he seems to want to be prepared and put his best foot forward otherwise he wouldn't be asking here. A couple of hours reading and an attempt to conform to Thai sensibilities is hardly too much effort to put into something that will pay off more than you can obviously imagine.

[bat69]

Sorry I havn't been replying. Have only just got the chance to get online.

I am so thankful for all of the posts I have received. It has certainly prt my mind at ease a bit.

There is one post that sticks out with me though. Thats about sitting around having a couple of drinks with the family. I drink regularly but her family doesn't drink at all. Both her parents work for a Beverage company but do not drink so I think I will be experiencing some periods of sobriety (which isn't a bad thing). I also smoke so I don't know how that will be looked upon.

I must say that this forum rocks. I have not contriibuted that much in the past but I am sure that will change very soon

Thanks agian

Bat69

[pete_r]

No drink... Pity but healthy! For me it does help communication with my brothers in law.

Smoking is generally seen as impolite in Thailand today, but I guess no problem if there are smokers in the family already.