Thai/farang Gay Relationship. Going Stale & Boring, Mudane, Ho-hum

[cm-happy]

I've been with my guy for 5+ years now. When we first met & he moved in with me it was very exciting & spontaneous. Anytime, anywhere, any position in the, house, gardens or sala.

However, over the course of time, things have quieted down, especially the past year, so now it's "want to go upstairs"? "OK let's go". We have reached the point that we have given each other permission to play.

I don't want the relationship to end, I love the guy dearly. He's well taken care of and wants for nothing, nor does his family.

Is this common in long term gay relationships? How to rekindle the old spark that existed?

Some personal background info: He's Thai, 36 y/o Isaan guy, Uni student, handsome, sexy body (in my eyes), sweet, kind, considerate temperment. Home body, and enjoys going out at night with his friends occasionally.

Me early 60's something farang(American), slight paunch, not handsome, but not ugly either, with full head of hair(so much for the stereotype). Also a bit of a home body, but like to go out occasionally, for drinks, to a club to listen to music or dance or dinner. We don't argue, nor has there ever been a cross word between us.

Anyone out there, experience the same? How'd you solve it & rekindle what you had initially?

[sbk]

cm-happy, it's common in any intimate relationship, regardless of the sexuality of the people involved.

It's something that you both have to consciously work on--adding spice and spark to your relationship as well as doing little things to show consideration, love and concern.

[Scott]

Sounds very, very common. Like SBK said, it's not about orientation, but it is maybe a bigger problem with gays than others. Like Jay Leno said, "anybody whose against same sex marriages, hasn't been married....it all gets pretty much the same after a while."

One of the advantages of being gay (at this point in time) is that monogomy isn't quite as necessary. So if you have permission to play around a bit, go ahead and do so, cautiously. Enjoy the strength of your relationship, which for the time being may not be the sexual part of it.

As long as both parties are playing by the same rules, there shouldn't be too many problems.

Remember, some people enjoy sexual encounters without emotion, others don't. Make sure, if your playing around, that your not the kind who will fall in love with someone new.

Best of luck to you.

PS: Sometimes porn works to bring a bit of spice back.

[jumnien]

36 year old university student? And I thought I was slow!

[sfokevin]

36 year old university student? And I thought I was slow!

I thought him rather clever

[kek]

So maybe you should think about changing your on-line name to cm-unhappy?

Seriously, have you two thought about group sex? Get in in a third or fourth guy that you both find attractive and then watch eachother take the shots. Take turns at being the 'jam in the sandwich'. It will give you lots to talk about afterwards.

You can find guys on line at places like gaydar.co.uk or gay romeo.com who are advertising for single or group sex. Or, for the first few times (dare I say it here) buy in a 'helper'.

[farang prince]

Yep, CM-Happy, you have arrived at that stage in the relationship where you have to decide "Do I really like the person I'm with?" Life is more than a hard cock.

[sfokevin]

I don't think you need to look into group sex...

I agree you should work at being true friends and also work at making your days together not so routine... plan a romantic place outside your normal haunts... have you ever been to this hotel?...

http://www.atsiam.com/hotels/chiang_mai/fe...se_thailand.asp

Book yourself in for a weekend... Get the room with the pillared canopy bed... bring candles.., and wine...

Edited November 13, 2007 by sfokevin

[popshirt]

Yep, CM-Happy, you have arrived at that stage in the relationship where you have to decide "Do I really like the person I'm with?" Life is more than a hard cock.

I agree, but rich IS better than poor.

[cm-happy]

36 year old university student? And I thought I was slow!

Is this the best you can reply??

Think it demonstrates that indeed you are SLOW!!

[cm-happy]

Yep, CM-Happy, you have arrived at that stage in the relationship where you have to decide "Do I really like the person I'm with?" Life is more than a hard cock.

I agree, but rich IS better than poor.

Not only do I like the person, but LOVE him, and cannot imagine myself without him.

Your suggestion about a romantic get away is a GOOD ONE. A trip to Pie for a few days at a quiet secluded resort might be in order.

Some of the other suggestions about group sex, I personally find unappealing and repugnant. Let's leave that to the sex tourists.

Inspite of being given permission to fool around, I CANNOT! And to the best of my knowledge neither has he.

I'll reiterate, the romantic getaway is a great idea.

[sfokevin]

One thing my partner and i do is date night... most every Tuesday we take turns planning a date... could be a restaurant we have never done before, a classic DVD and pizza and ice cream, or my favorite nights was street food near the moat... sitting on plastic buckets my partner scurrying from vendor to vendor to get the meal... and it poring down rain... 555... we get home smelly and soaked - and jump into the shower - together!...

And next time he says "want to go upstairs"... Say no... let's try the sala...

[PeaceBlondie]

I deleted kek's post and cm-happy's outraged reply. Let's just say that kek's suggestions were not at all what the OP has in mind.

Happy, your opening post does make it look like the only thing missing in your long term relationship is the sex, or the thrill of it. So, you can hardly blame the posters for suggesting lots of kinky, "sex-tourist" things.

Feel free to PM me. We seem to have several things in common, or we've reached similar points in our LTR, although in my case it didn't even take a year. Some folks just get used to each other. Some folks have entirely different libidos. It can be caused by lots of things. Good luck.

[kek]

I deleted kek's post and cm-happy's outraged reply. Let's just say that kek's suggestions were not at all what the OP has in mind.

Happy, your opening post does make it look like the only thing missing in your long term relationship is the sex, or the thrill of it. So, you can hardly blame the posters for suggesting lots of kinky, "sex-tourist" things.

If I have posted something that is "out of order" then I apologize but, as PeaceBlondie says ... re-read the first part of your original post:

I've been with my guy for 5+ years now. When we first met & he moved in with me it was very exciting & spontaneous. Anytime, anywhere, any position in the, house, gardens or sala.

However, over the course of time, things have quieted down, especially the past year, so now it's "want to go upstairs"? "OK let's go". We have reached the point that we have given each other permission to play.

I did not see cm-happy's outraged deleted post but I know what I wrote and it was advice based on personal experience and I know that it works for other guys.

OK, so different strokes for different blokes, eh?

By the way, I am not a sex-tourist, I live and work here and I don't really think that calling someone Sex-Tourist is an insult - it's more laughable; the kind of thing that guys say to eachother when they've just scored.

But looking back on your post there is one thing that strikes me ... It's always what 'I' like or what 'I' want. It's never what 'We' or 'Us' or even what 'He' wants or likes???

Some of the other suggestions ... I personally find unappealing and repugnant.

What does HE think?

Inspite of being given permission to fool around, I CANNOT! And to the best of my knowledge neither has he

But do you think HE would tell you? Is HE frightened of your reaction?

I'll reiterate, the romantic getaway is a great idea.

"I'll reiterate" ... what does HE think?

Some time ago I went to a couple of LYC meetings in Bangkok - that was a real revelation into Farang/Thai relationships. The Farang who provide the accommodation and most of the expenses and have their fading trophy boyfriends treat the Thai boys like they were pets. "Go sit over there and talk to ..." "Come here and get this ..." "We're going to do this" Never a thought as to what the Thai guy wants to do. Those boys couldn't wait to get out of the meeting and down to DJ Station to meet their friends, of their age, without 'His Master's Voice" whining in the background. "Come straight back home" "Call me when you finish" "Don't do this ... Don't go there..."

A thought for you cm-happy : do you really know what your b/f wants? And if you do know what he wants ... do you let him do it?

Good Luck

[PeaceBlondie]

kek, thanks for reposting; nothing at all wrong with that post. And, I only deleted your earlier post in haste, for which I apologize. You surely weren't the first on this thread (including sbk, a straight female farang married to a Thai man) to suggest adding spice and spark. I note also that sbk advised "doing little things to show consideration, love and concern."

///Added later: and in defense of cm-happy, he has posted about buying his boyfriend a Harley or a new pickup truck.///

[sbk]

Off topic posts have been deleted. Lets try to keep this relevant to this particular forum , please.

and PB, I meant LITTLE things, not a Harley

An example: My parents (yes a straight couple but lets face it, all long term relationships face the same sort of hurdles) were happily married for 40 years. One of the best, closest relationships I have ever seen.

Dad would go to the supermarket to go grocery shopping and buy Mom her favorite candy bar. It doesn't cost much but it shows "Hey, I am thinking of you and showing that I care about what you like". Mom and Dad saw each other every day after work but while at work still peppered their day with little email conversations. I read a few and was deeply touched by how much Dad respected Mom and her opinions and vice versa. A little respect and consideration goes a very long way to keeping a relationship strong and happy.

Mom would buy a card, write some lovely endearment on it, and mail it to Dad. Just cause.

It's the little considerate things that you do every day that show the strength of the relationship. Not the Harleys you buy. To me, something like that is more like a bribe.

[matsudaseiko]

well, if the relationship is strong and good communications has been build.

try doing the number three. ^_-

've been with the bf for eight years and 'm currently enjoying our second number three relationships.

we blokes were generic build for chasing stuffs u know. ^_-

[cm-happy]

Thread has taken an interesting turn. As the op am now placed in a defensive posture. Seems to be a common occurrence on TV. The replies were directed towards myself and responded with "I", perhaps too much so giving respondents the false impression of being overly self centered and egotistical & unconcerned about partner.

Kek's last reply is well taken.

As an aside HE(my partner) has also been following this thread. WE discussed

some of the suggestions and find some of them wanting when it comes to kinky or promiscuous sex being a cure all.

Yes, sex is an important part of a relationship, is not all encompassing, and is not the raison d'etre for staying or being together.

Our favorites have been SBK's suggestion, date night & romantic get away. We've also discussed an ocean cruise together somewhere, probably from HK. Short term solutions, perhaps, except for SBK's, the others will provide memories we can share together.

As a follow up to PB's comment about the Harley & truck. We went to the bank & got a big sweaty wad of cash for the Harley, but He decided he wanted the truck more. No problem, He got one.

He's off to Hut now, showing off, visiting relatives, and looking forward to his return home.

Happily celibate for a few days, No worries about dick falling off, or passing on to him unwanted "gifts".

in closing just want to say THANK YOU PB for getting this back on track.

[Thanh-BKK]

Hi

Sorry for the hijacking but i NEED to ask this - which truck did you get him?

Kind regards.....

Thanh

[rixalex]

If i was in a relationship with someone half my age, my expectations would be limited. The fact that you are buying him gifts like trucks says it all.

Conversly, if my other half was double my age, i know what i'd be getting up to whilst the cat was away.

[Thanh-BKK]

If i was in a relationship with someone half my age, my expectations would be limited. The fact that you are buying him gifts like trucks says it all.

Conversly, if my other half was double my age, i know what i'd be getting up to whilst the cat was away.

Hello.

This can't be left standing "as is" - imagine, my BF is just under three years younger than me but if i could only afford it i would buy him a FERRARI if he wanted one - sadly i can NOT afford it, but that's how it is. This has nothing to do with age at all. I was once madly in love with a 50 years old guy - and guess what, i was 18 back then! And no, he didn't buy me a truck either.

And had i gotten into a serious relationship with that guy back then i would NOT have slept around with others!

Btw the reason why it did NOT work out was the fact that he was a married bi-sexual whose wife (and three kids!) were in his home country Sri Lanka while he was working in my country Germany. And i only got to know him a few months before he was due to return to Sri Lanka............. handsome, gentle, a perfect lover - what did i care for that he was that much older, i didn't give a dam_n for it.

Best regards.....

Thanh

(still curious what truck he got - hopefully no Toyota Vigo? It just failed the famous "Elk Test" in Scandinavia.......)

[farang prince]

If i was in a relationship with someone half my age, my expectations would be limited. The fact that you are buying him gifts like trucks says it all.

Conversly, if my other half was double my age, i know what i'd be getting up to whilst the cat was away.

I agree with Thanh-Bkk...I think your comments were inappropriate. I buy my lover all kinds of things...she doesn't like driving (which is saving the lives of countless motorists and pedestrians in Bangkok and the USA) but I love surprising her with little things all the time. The best gift I've gotten my lover, however, is the life we have built together and the joy we share every day. That is priceless.

[cm-happy]

Hi

Sorry for the hijacking but i NEED to ask this - which truck did you get him?

Kind regards.....

Thanh

Thanh,

He decided he liked the Toyota 4x4 diesel, auto best. The styling, comfortable ride, lots of dealers around, easy to get parts & repaired if need be.

[cm-happy]

If i was in a relationship with someone half my age, my expectations would be limited. The fact that you are buying him gifts like trucks says it all.

Conversly, if my other half was double my age, i know what i'd be getting up to whilst the cat was away.

Tell me EX-Lax, what exactly does it say????

[Scott]

CM: It sounds like you have a good relationship. Unfortunately for a lot of gays (and straight folks as well), the fizzle goes out of the sex part rather easily. I've never had much luck and getting it back once it's gone--absence (and probably some abstinence) can put a whole lot of desire into however.

I can (do) play around--but that has nothing to do with love or relationships. Just short time things with no exchange of phone numbers etc. Since this is out of your comfort zone, which, by the way, is probably good, ignore suggestions about that.

Like you, I could never have group sex with the love of my life--I can when he's not around, but would be completely uncomfortable even thinking about it.

It sounds like it's the relationship part of things that is the most important and that's good. Don't worry too much about the sex. Sex can be, well, just sex.

[rixalex]

If i was in a relationship with someone half my age, my expectations would be limited. The fact that you are buying him gifts like trucks says it all.

Conversly, if my other half was double my age, i know what i'd be getting up to whilst the cat was away.

Tell me EX-Lax, what exactly does it say????

EX-Lax? Is this some childish twist on my post name, meant as an insult? If so, well done, but i haven't a clue what you mean.

If my comments hurt or offended you i apologise. They were just my opinions and i accept could be generalisations. I can't judge the relationship you have as i don't know either of you.

All i can say is how i feel. For me, the idea of "getting off" with someone twice my age, doesn't appeal - maybe others are different. Therefore, when i see or hear or relationships with people who come from different generations, i suspect that for the younger person is in that relationship for reasons other than sexual chemistry. If i then see that the older person is showering that younger person with expensive gifts, what that says to me seems a bit too obvious to be spelled out.

Of course, as with most things in life, there are exceptions. I hope CM Happy that you are just such a case and that you live together with your partner for many more happy years (albeit with a bit more wizz).

[farang prince]

If i was in a relationship with someone half my age, my expectations would be limited. The fact that you are buying him gifts like trucks says it all.

Conversly, if my other half was double my age, i know what i'd be getting up to whilst the cat was away.

Tell me EX-Lax, what exactly does it say????

EX-Lax? Is this some childish twist on my post name, meant as an insult? If so, well done, but i haven't a clue what you mean.

If my comments hurt or offended you i apologise. They were just my opinions and i accept could be generalisations. I can't judge the relationship you have as i don't know either of you.

All i can say is how i feel. For me, the idea of "getting off" with someone twice my age, doesn't appeal - maybe others are different. Therefore, when i see or hear or relationships with people who come from different generations, i suspect that for the younger person is in that relationship for reasons other than sexual chemistry. If i then see that the older person is showering that younger person with expensive gifts, what that says to me seems a bit too obvious to be spelled out.

Of course, as with most things in life, there are exceptions. I hope CM Happy that you are just such a case and that you live together with your partner for many more happy years (albeit with a bit more wizz).

Your problem, RixAlex, is that like most ego-centric people, you think that the world revolves around you. Your statement "All I can say is how I feel" tells everything we need to know about you. You pass judgment on someone and something you know nothing about. "...When I see or hear or (sic) relationships with people who come from different generations, I suspect that for the younger person is in that relationship for reasons other than sexual chemistry. If I then see that the older person is showering that younger person with expensive gifts, what that says to me seems a bit too obvious to be spelled out." Really? I would suggest you get a little more life experience than to be so judgmental about others. In time you might come to the realization that life is what you make of it and that what gets two people through the night can be totally different from your own experiences and yet totally satisfactory to them.

[PeaceBlondie]

How can we tone down the rhetoric here a few notches? C'mon, folks. No personal insults, no flaming.

[rixalex]

How can we tone down the rhetoric here a few notches? C'mon, folks. No personal insults, no flaming.

Certainly does look like i hit a nerve. I'm sorry Farang Prince that you seem unable to discuss this without getting riled and aggressive. I've read many of your posts before and always been impressed by your candour and honesty. What i expressed likewise is my honest opinion. Obviously you don't like it, so does that mean i shouldn't express myself, or that i should fall in line with your way of thinking? It's ironic you accuse me of being ego-centric, when you yourself seem unable to accept a different viewpoint.

[PeaceBlondie]

Would it help if we get back on the topic, which is cm-happy's relationship with his Thai boyfriend, rather than bickering about what each other said about posters? Thank you.