Thai/farang Gay Relationship. Going Stale & Boring, Mudane, Ho-hum

[farang prince]

Fair enough PB. My apologies RixAlex.

[cm-happy]

How can we tone down the rhetoric here a few notches? C'mon, folks. No personal insults, no flaming.

Thank you again PB, for comment about tonning down rhetoric and getting back on topic.

If rixalex reads this, since he is so keen and passionate about inter-generational relationships and about the gifts one partner gets for the other, which I beleive are totally off topic for this thread.

Perhaps he might want to start separate topics about these subjects.

"INTER-GENERATIONAL RELATIONSHIPS" AND "WHAT PRESENTS DO YOU BUY FOR YOUR PARTNER?"

[rixalex]

Fair enough PB. My apologies RixAlex.

Received and accepted with thanks. Likewise Farang Prince, my apologies if my views offend you.

[rixalex]

If rixalex reads this, since he is so keen and passionate about inter-generational relationships and about the gifts one partner gets for the other, which I beleive are totally off topic for this thread.

Perhaps he might want to start separate topics about these subjects.

"INTER-GENERATIONAL RELATIONSHIPS" AND "WHAT PRESENTS DO YOU BUY FOR YOUR PARTNER?"

Just because i express a view on something, doesn't mean i'm either keen or passionate about it; it's just an opinion. I think though you are trying to imply by saying this that my daily life is consumed by some kind of abhorrence towards inter-generational relationships, as you call them. Not at all true. As with all people, i judge them as and when i get to know them, as no doubt they do me. I am though honest enough to admit that i do (rightly or wrongly) form opinions based on what i see at face value. I think this is a natural human trait and if you can honestly say that you form no opinions of a person whatsoever until you know them, i sincerely applaud you - you're a better man than me.

As for the matter of inter-generational relationships being totally off topic, i disagree. I would have thought that the age difference between yourself and your partner has an enormous affect on the relationship, which is what you had opened for discussion is it not?

[sbk]

I've been doing some thinking about this topic, having been married to the same guy for 18 years now, I do understand the idea that relationships become mundane.

One thing I have noticed that makes a major difference in how our relationship seems to me, is my attitude. When I feel bored or on the "relationship treadmill" that attitude reflects back onto our relationship and how I react to him. I take a long hard look at myself and make a conscious decision to readjust my attitude. Instead of feeling bored or fed up, I look at him and remember what it was that attracted me in the first place, and, him being a man, he's still pretty much the same guy, so its easy enough to see .

[Rionoir]

There is nothing wrong with being in a relationship that is based on the gifts and other financial assistance that one partner is giving to the other... but it is only going to confuse and bewilder the giver throughout the relationship if they protest that the relationship isn't based on those things, and I see it over and over again on this forum. One might feel that after a while the person who was originally interested in the money might now actually be in love with the giver, which in some cases might be true... but deep down inside, if you ask yourself "would he stay if the money ran out", what would your answer be? Would you be willing to find out to see what your relationship is really founded on.

Ok that aside, I really could care less what this particular relationship is based on and will try to give my opinion.

It sounds like your relationship in the early days was based on sex, whether it was given willingly or one felt obligated... and the OP chief complaint is now the lack of that great sex. Well, welcome to a relationship... you have the 5 year itch instead of making it to a full 7 year itch, but it's the itch just the same. If the rest of your relationship was strong enough and based firmly enough on love and non-material things, I don't think you would even care about the decrease in sex as much... do you all talk enough? Do enough things together? Or do you talk about the same things every day... do the same things every day?

As for sex... keep it interesting. This is Thailand, Lord knows there are a million ways here to spice up your sex life... why be afraid to try them if this is bugging you so much. Get a couples massage - pick out your masseurs together. Take pictures of each other. Live a little.

[kek]

OK, so we already know that cmhappy wants to spice up his relationship but does not like the idea of receiving sex hints; he'd prefer a weekend away in a resort and buys the boy a truck to show how much in $ terms the relationship means to him. I only hope that the truck was bought on a 60 month credit contract in the boys name ... but cm pays the installments monthly. That way if the boy drives away for good then he has to pay the remaining installments or lose the 4 wheel bribe ... sorry drive.

Your problem will come back as soon as the truck is paid off in full ... let's hope he doesn't have aspirations for becoming a pilot

But you could combine the weekend away with sampling some 'Spicy' sex. I know a couple of fun hotels in Pattaya and Bangkok that have sling rooms and such ... just a thought

[cm-happy]

Kek synonym for troll

[peekint]

I've been doing some thinking about this topic, having been married to the same guy for 18 years now, I do understand the idea that relationships become mundane.

One thing I have noticed that makes a major difference in how our relationship seems to me, is my attitude. When I feel bored or on the "relationship treadmill" that attitude reflects back onto our relationship and how I react to him. I take a long hard look at myself and make a conscious decision to readjust my attitude. Instead of feeling bored or fed up, I look at him and remember what it was that attracted me in the first place, and, him being a man, he's still pretty much the same guy, so its easy enough to see .

My husband and I have been together 15+ years and married for 3 (he's Thai, I'm Farang). I'd have to say I completely agree with sbk. I'd like to add some to it.

First, I'd like to talk about the topic title: "going stale and boring, mudane [sic], and ho-hum"

The meat of the post really focuses on sex, but I suspect that is just the most obvious symptom. After five years, let's face it, you've done it all. I'm not talking about whips and whip cream, I'm talking about the intimate 'discoveries', the special dinners, the evenings holding hands on the couch, the mornings waking up and cuddling. All the simple things seem routine. Yet, if you were to do them again with someone new, the same now-mundane activities would take on a new excitement, wouldn't they? Why?

Some scientific research shows it's actually biochemical. But my own self-examination, like sbk's, points to fatigue.

You know, like when there's a strong smell? After a while, you don't smell it any more, but if someone walks in the room, they say, "Jeez? Who just Blew One???" Sort of like that. The scientists call that "sensory fatigue". Your mind "shuts out" what is familiar and repetitive in favor of what is new. That's how we organize the barrage of sensory, factual and emotional input we get every day. Autistic folks lack the ability to do that; the result is sensory overload and a rush to "grab on" to some comforting, repetitive action or sound that they use to "block out" the overload.

But, you know, even though we're probably programmed to experience just what you're experiencing, it doesn't mean we can't OVERCOME the program. We're not dogs or buffalo or catfish. We have the ability to examine our lives, our selves, our feelings, our attitudes - and - granted within some limits - we can make changes to those things.

How? How to make the changes? SBK really hit it on the head. It's attitude adjustment. Look at what you have and appreciate it more. The little things that used to be special? What were they? Try to remember. Other than the positions from the Kama Sutra that you enjoyed at the beginning, what were the OTHER things you maybe didn't notice at the time that might have been INSPIRING the sudden outbreaks of Fellini-like abandon? Was it the way he held your hand? The way he moved in the shower? The way he dressed? The way he put his feet up on your legs when you watched TV? There may have been a hundred of them, all of which are now routine, forgotten, and unappreciated - maybe even unperceived.

Take a moment to look at those things, try to adjust your attitude to appreciate them again. He'll need to do the same. If you really love each other, it can be done.

Can it be like it was in that first passionate year? Probably not. Why? Feelings, history, disappointments. You'll never forget the time he was twenty minutes late that very important night. He'll never forget the time he thought you were going out together only to come home and find you had changed your mind. They all add up. The little things. You don't have all that history with the boy whose name you are still pronouncing wrong because you're too busy screwing to chat.

You KNOW him now. He KNOWS you. But even that can be examined. You KNOW him, but he's always growing and changing. What's new in his life, his feelings, his friends? Find out. What's new with YOU? Does he KNOW? Have you shared?

Second, I want to talk about sex.

I'll put my bias up front. Very very few people can have a loving marriage when partners give each other the permission to go screw somewhere else. Frankly, I've never found a couple that did it successfully. I've met really close friends that love each other that used to screw regularly together and now live together and screw regularly separately. I've met couples that have done that for a long time. If that's what you want, then the "open relationship" thing will get you there.

Why do I think that? First, I've known and counseled (I'm an MSW) many Gay couples since the early '80s and I've seen it over and over again. Second, I've come to believe so strongly in the "history" part of what I've written above, that I think knowing that the person you're in love with would rather share his sexual desire with someone else than with you can't help but make it increasingly unlikely that the relationship will get any closer. Resentment, disappointment, and distance build up.

Third, I want to talk about sex.

Be sure to explore each others' fantasies. Have you explored his? Have you expressed yours?

Fourth, I want to talk about sex.

Attitude adjustment applies here, too. Sex is no fun with a sulking, disappointed partner. Enjoy what you get, be creative unexpectedly, and most of all, adjust your attitude to be happy with what you have. You'll be surprised how you'll end up with so much more than you started with.

Sorry if I sound a bit optimistic and Pollyanna. I truly believe a readiness to reflect and a readiness to be happy bring all the rewards life can bring!

But if you want a loving, caring life together, make the sex work, too. I mean, together. Sometimes that might mean adjusting your expectations.