My Week At The Gym

[pault17]

Dear Diary,

For my 60th birthday this year, my daughter Rachel (the

dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local

health club for me. Although I am still in great shape

since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years

ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give

it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal

trainer named Brenda, who identified herself as a

26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic

clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my

enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a

diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but

found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health

club to find Brenda waiting for me. She is something of a

Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a

dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Brenda gave me a tour and

showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way

in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout

today. Very inspiring! Brenda was encouraging as I did my

sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it

in the whole time she was around.

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out

the door. Brenda made me lie on my back and push a heavy

iron bar into the air - then she put weights on it! My legs

were a little wobbly on the

treadmill, but I made the full mile. Brenda's rewarding

smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole

new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the

toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and

forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.

Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to

steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking

lot.

Brenda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams

bothered other club members Her voice is a little too perky

for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this

nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I

got on the treadmill, so Brenda put me on the stair

'monster'. Why would anyone invent a machine to

simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Brenda

told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She

said some other stuff too.

THURSDAY:

Brenda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth

exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full

snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took

me that long to tie my shoes. Brenda took me to work out

with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in

the restroom. She sent another skinny girl to find me.

Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -

which I sank.

FRIDAY:

I hate that girl Brenda more than any human being has ever

hated any other human being in the history of the world.

Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader! If

there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable

pain, I would beat her with it.

Brenda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any

triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't

hand me the barbells or anything that weighs more than a

sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a

health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been

someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:

Brenda left a message on my answering machine in her

grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up

today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine

with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use

the TV remote and ended up catching 11 straight hours of

the Weather Channel

SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so

I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also

pray that next year my daughter Rachel (the little snot)

will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal

or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend

over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!