25 Things That Make You Feel Like A Man!

[phazey]

> 1, OPENING JARS - nnng, she's struggling. You take it from her hands,

> open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you.

> She didn't. Jars are

> men's work.

>

> 2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to

> kids makes you the man.

>

> 3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks?

> Gay. A Stuart Pearce

> tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball

> and crippling the man. Magic.

>

> 4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it

> here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle.

>

> 5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and

> - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other

> rubbish - noisy destruction.

>

> 6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your

> coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then

> nodding towards

>

> the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else

> struggles to catch up with you. God, you're hard.

>

> 7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

>

> 8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an

> iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt".

> "Nah".

>

> 9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying

> they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of

> your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does

> it look like.

>

> 10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you

> to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past",

> it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".

>

> 11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can

> safely handle. One Handed with a pencil on the ear? Superb.

>

> 12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch

> that becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

>

> 13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean

> you're popular, it just means your mates are pissed.

> However, the rest of

> the pub doesn't know that.

>

> 14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently.

> Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

>

> 15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man" to

> the blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women.

> Congratulations, you are now

> your dad.

>

> 16, WINKING - turns women to putty, doesn't it?

>

> 17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little changing

> rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY

> item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

>

> 18, TAKING OUT £500 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the

> plumber (or a 'quiet one with John Sams')but with that much cash you

> feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the

> roll later.

>

> 19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get

> straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion?

> George, it is then. Seven. See

> ya."

>

> 20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time.

>

> 21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled

> in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand

> there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer

> gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

>

> 22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you

> didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain

> haemorrhage".

>

>

> 23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are

> you mad, bint?"

>

> 24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says that's

> right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized sh*t.

>

> 25, CALLING YOUR MATE A C**T - and punching him on the shoulder. Just

> a man's way of saying "you're a good mate; I missed you while you were

> in hospital".