Bf's Mother Just Passed Away

[peter991]

Just came home to Australia two days ago after spending a week with my BF in Bangkok. Just before I left Thailand, his brother-in-law passed away. BIL had cancer for a long time and was in his last days. BF was naturally sad but said it was something that was expected.

His mother, in her early 80s, has been in and out of hospital and had just returned home.

BF is the youngest of 12 children - he's 31yo, university educated with a government job and the only one not married. Family doesn't know he's gay.

His mother passed away a few minutes ago and he is devastated. He phoned me with the news.

He is very tired. I feel so helpless being so far away. His room in Bangkok which he has to himself is now crowded with relatives. All I could suggest was he gets a hotel room and gets some sleep.

I haven't lost a close relative for a long time - let alone the parent of a BF.

What should I do? He has an ATM card - so I can put in money for him - he's very careful with money. I am not due to come back to Thailand until Songkran (April this year).

Peter

[PeaceBlondie]

Should Peter send funeral wreath, and a donation to defray the funeral expenses? But they do not know the son is gay. What is the right thing to do?

[pumpuiman]

Offer your help and condolences...tell him not to worry, that you will help him financially if he needs it.

Be discreet in your involvement....I'm sure being "outed" or raising suspicions with his entire family and friends are not what he needs at the moment.

Just be a good friend..and let him know you are there if he needs you.

[Guest]

That is great advice

[Ijustwannateach]

Peter, sorry to hear about the loss in your partner's family.

It is in times like those that people suffer the most from being in the closet, but it is his choice to make.

If the topic of money comes up, you are technically his husband- and so both of you have an obligation- but as you mention, there are 12 other families and he shouldn't be contributing more than his "fair share"- not least because his family may wonder where he gets the money. I'd guess the funeral would be 10-20,000B (?- but not sure)- so his/your part should maybe be 1-2000B?

Just be there for him!

"S"

[PeaceBlondie]

Unless my boyfriend with the big family is buttering me up for a big donation in the next year or two, a big Thai funeral can cost really serious bucks, almost American style. Anyway, if even the 11 siblings don't know their brother has a farang b/f, they won't expect little brother to donate much.

On another note, the family may expect everybody to stay together at this time.

[Ijustwannateach]

I don't have any direct experience of paying for funerals, but a foreign friend who recently shelled out the lion's share for a grandmother's funeral (a real one that he went to, shame on you for what you're thinking! ) paid about 10,000B with not many other relatives contributing. That was a relatively poor family, though. I'm sure that just like weddings and funerals anywhere, you can pay as much as you want for these ceremonies of pomp and circumstance.

"S"

[phayao]

I don't have any direct experience of paying for funerals, but ...... you can pay as much as you want for these ceremonies of pomp and circumstance.

"S"

In the North it is a custom for those attending a funeral -they last about a week- to contribute with a small donation (20-500 TBH) to the costs. The greeving family keeps a record of who and how much they donate. There's a lot of expenses: the coffin, renting of the freezer, marquee, chairs, video equipment, food for everyone during a week, donation to the phra of the local wat, the float and paper flowers.

I haven't seen tears, period of mourning or anything sad that in "farangland" are associated with a death in the family. It's more like an Irish funeral wake: music, drinking, eating, gossiping and gambling. There is another funeral 100 days after although just for a day.

[peter991]

Thanks to everybody who contributed suggestions during this period. I have given BF 5000 baht to help him cover expenses - with more offered, but politely rejected. I sent some flowers to his Office today (anonymously) to cheer him up e told me a few months ago he didn't like flowers as they die, but I saw the look on his face when fellow staff members gave him a surprise birthday cake and flowers last year.

Phayao - thanks for your comments too. I am curious about your last sentence: There is another funeral 100 days after although just for a day. Can you tell me more, please.

Thanks.

Peter

[phayao]

Phayao - thanks for your comments too. I am curious about your last sentence: There is another funeral 100 days after although just for a day. Can you tell me more, please.

Thanks.

Peter

A hundred days after the demise: the family, friends and neighbours have a gathering with lunch and they take a small house -bigger but more common than the spirit house- along with personal clothes, toiletries, kitchen-ware, books, magazines, fridge, tv-set , and even the mo-ped, in a pick-up to the local temple where there is a religious ceremony. Afterwards they return home, place the model house in a corner of the plot, return the appliances to their original places and have another gathering -smaller this time- with food and drink.

It's a very curious and bewildering event the first time you witness. As the person now is just a spirit -until it reincarnates again- they send him/her the things that may be useful in his/her other life. It's very much what the ancient Egyptians did, but the Thais send only the spirits of the things.

I don't know whether this costum applies only to the North, as here they have very annimist as well as buddist believes.

[Scott]

No, I think it's everywhere. There is the 100 day mourning period for the princess as well.

It's traditional and not unique to Thailand.

[Mosha]

The close family of the deceased wear black for the 100 days. After which the monks are taken up to the house for food and prayers, it may/or may not mean another do with guests. That depends on the family, the 100 day one I believe is to ensure the spirit has gone up and not down. Attendees at the wakes and 100 day events have donated money at the ones my wife and I have attended. My wife is a keen attender of these wakes, gambling is a serious pastime with her.

[LaoPo]

Just came home to Australia two days ago after spending a week with my BF in Bangkok. Just before I left Thailand, his brother-in-law passed away. BIL had cancer for a long time and was in his last days. BF was naturally sad but said it was something that was expected.

His mother, in her early 80s, has been in and out of hospital and had just returned home.

BF is the youngest of 12 children - he's 31yo, university educated with a government job and the only one not married. Family doesn't know he's gay.

His mother passed away a few minutes ago and he is devastated. He phoned me with the news.

He is very tired. I feel so helpless being so far away. His room in Bangkok which he has to himself is now crowded with relatives. All I could suggest was he gets a hotel room and gets some sleep.

I haven't lost a close relative for a long time - let alone the parent of a BF.

What should I do? He has an ATM card - so I can put in money for him - he's very careful with money. I am not due to come back to Thailand until Songkran (April this year).

Peter

My condolences.

I don't understand if your message is correct, saying that your BF's mother was in her early 80s and your BF is 31...?

Does that mean she gave birth to him in her early 50s ?

LaoPo