Some Irish Humour

[bottleymike]

Subject: Begorrah!

1/Seen in a Dublin newspaper: Prize crossword. Solve it and win £20,000 plus a holiday for two in Paris. For those only playing for fun, the answers are on page 14.

2/ Sign on the coast road by a small Sligo village: 'When you can't read this sign, the road is flooded.'

3/ 'I want some six by four timber for the new barn,' said Cassidy. 'We don't call it that now,' said the DIY manager. 'Since we've gone

metric.You have to ask for 15.2cms by 10.16cms. And if you want any it's two pounds a foot!'

4/ Father Francis it was who stubbed his toe and stumbled whilst baptising a child, and henceforth the boy was known as Thomas Fekme McNaily'.

5/Two Irishmen saw the sign 'Tree fellers wanted'. The first Irishman said 'If Pat had been with us we'd have got that job'.

6/ An Irish policeman in Liverpool found a dead horse in Cazneau Street. Not being too sure how to spell Cazneau Street he dragged the beast into Lime Street.

7/The Irishman had been found guilty of murder and sentenced to the electric chair.

'Have you any last request?' asked the prison warden.'Yes,' replied the prisoner. 'Would you hold my hand when I go?'

8/'Who's down the hold of the ship?' called the Irish foreman.Tom McAneamy,' replied the Liverpool docker. 'Well, one of you three come

up here and give me a hand!'

9/Sign in a London pub: 'Happy hour - all you can drink for £1.'Murphy went up to the bar and said Till have two quids' worth please.'

10/'Excuse me,' said Mrs McCoy to the butcher. 'But there's a sausage on the floor.' 'Don't worry,' said he, 'I've got me foot on it!'

11/Two ladies on a bus and one said: 'And do you know he put his hand right up my skirt.'

And the other replied: 'Not the green one with the floral pattern?'

12/ 'I couldn't believe Dublin, great city, but every Tom, Dick and Harry is called Pat!!'

13/'What's that you're taking, Mick?' asked Jim McGee. ' Tis the secret of a good night out,' replied Mick. 'It's a mixture of Benzedrine and Valium. It makes you feel frisky but if you don't click who cares!'

14/Things that only the illogical Irish would say:

'You three are a right pair if ever I saw one!'

'How come every time you ring a wrong number it's never engaged?'

'Spread out in a bunch.

'Hello, Mary, how's your new false teeth?' asked Bridget.I'm leaving them out till I get used to them!' said Mary.

'You see my real shoe size is four,' said Vera. 'But I'm wearing sevens coss fours hurt!'

15/As Mrs McGinty entered the house she looked up to see a ceiling 15 feet high. 'Begod,' she said to husband Seamus, 'when you said you were going to knock two rooms into one I didn't think you meant upwards!!'

[zzdocxx]

[suegha]

As an Irishman I can seriously say some of these are too real!