Living With The Thai Mother-in-law

[Gimbo]

The MIL lives in her own house on the other side of the village. And she is here every other day as she keeps a little kitchen garden at our house (the house was abandoned for 5-6 years before me and the wife refurbished it and moved in). Anyway, she tried spending a night here. But the old lady is used to going to bed no later than 8Pm, so after a couple of nights with the lights on until around midnight, TV blaring away, me hacking away on my computer keyboard the 3rd night she simply got up from her matress on the living room floor, mutterd a few words about farang, and walked home...

[blizzard]

op needs help in making a better living not in throwing momma out of her own house.

[onzestan]

Hi Ruefang,

I'm just curious, have you ever spoken to your MIL about the problems you are having because of her attitude towards you?

Maybe you should try to find out what her problem is with you, instead of letting this situation ruin your life.

It's possible that you're not the daughter in law that she was hoping and expecting for, but doesn't want to lose the company of her son for it.

I'm just guessing here, I don't know the situation, only your part of the story, I can only tell you, that if you don't address this situation it will only get worse.

If you are not willing to do anything about this then you've only yourself to blame.

No malice intended,

cheers

onzestan

[blizzard]

i agree with previous poster. it could be op is hostile with momma coz she cant afford her own lifestyle, she isnt happy living thai style even though thats what she signed up for by marrying a "middle class" thai boy.

no malice intended, chers.

[LivinLOS]

My first Thai MIL was a demon.. A drunk, degenerate gambler who walked out on pre teen children leaving them cold alone and hungry for days until a school teacher came to check up on them, basically the first wife had no love or support as a child and was just abandoned. I made the mistake of getting her to reconcile with the hag when we first moved to Thailand as I thought it was healthy, I soon learnt to regret that.

A few of her gems, when it was found out that a teenage 14 y/o cousin had a boyfriend and had been having sex "why you give pussy away for free.. make him pay for your pussy" nice one grandma !!! Wifey died and while grieving at the temple (where the MIL continually made a drunken scene, the whole family shunned and were disgusted by her) she came over to me while I was in shock and grief and said "why you sad for her, she was not so good" as my soulmate had just passed I could have killed her right there.

[girlx]

I don't agree that this is what the OP signed up for by marrying a middle class Thai man... sheesh... I know several people married to Thais and only one of them lives with her mother in law (and extended family)... she seems to like it so must be a different situation. I do agree though that OP should make an effort to sit the mother down and talk. Sometimes there is too much tiptoe-ing around because we are scared of the "face" thing... but I have found that most Thais are pretty receptive if you show them you are straight up. Just don't lose your temper. If talking doesn't work and ignoring it doesn't work, then it is simple- to save yourself you will need to make a move away. There is always a way.

As for farang women with Thai men, yes, you see it more on the islands where there are more Thai men targeting foreign women. But there are plenty of more evenly matched Thai man/Farang woman relationships in most parts of Thailand. They just tend to keep to themselves maybe. As for difference in economic status, yes it is interesting... women seem to think with their hearts more than their... heads.... which can be problematic but it still happens, and sometimes, successfully! Same as anywhere really.

[girlx]

A few of her gems, when it was found out that a teenage 14 y/o cousin had a boyfriend and had been having sex "why you give pussy away for free.. make him pay for your pussy" nice one grandma !!! Wifey died and while grieving at the temple (where the MIL continually made a drunken scene, the whole family shunned and were disgusted by her) she came over to me while I was in shock and grief and said "why you sad for her, she was not so good" as my soulmate had just passed I could have killed her right there.

wow you win worst mother in law

[LivinLOS]

Believe me when I say I didnt want the prize..

I wasnt trying to play one upmanship.. But I have had a hellish set of experiences with Thai family, so much so it has definitely soured my perception of 'ordinary Thais'.

[Momo8]

Lol that one takes the grand prize.

A thing to understand about living with the inlaws is the generation gap and people being set on doing things their way.Personal space is important unless you live in a mansion there's no getting away from the fact that there is someone else always there,always watching.Builds tension and resentment for everyone involved.

My inlaws are darlings especially my mum-in-law.She went over the top when the babies came and virtually took over the household but in a good way.Every morning she'd come with fresh veggies and meat and spend the day cooking even though we have a maid.She reorganized the whole place with military precision to the extent where I couldn't find where anything was.

At one point being hormotional I wanted to tell her to back off and talked to hubby about it but realised he felt very much like the meat in the taco poor darling.The situation did pan out but in the OP's case,honey you have to move and keep your sanity.Have you tried to find someone to help with the household chores?That may ease the situation but if you don't get on you don't get on.

When you finally do move you may discover she will do a complete turnaround.

[Scott]

I very much thing that it's in everyones best interest that you start exploring what you can do instead of what you can't do. Situations like your in can lead to some very unhappy outcomes. Best to move on, somewhere else. Otherwise, I think you'll find more happy people in prison where your likely to end up after you hit her over the head with a wok!

[Scott]

Oh, and by the way, the best of luck to you. You're in a very difficult situation and you have my sympathies. Try to remember it's not your fault--it's her.

[RueFang]

Thank you for all the supportive posts, appreciate the understanding

u can always pitch a tent or a leanto .... get a few dogs;

Now that is the kind of suggestion I was hoping for!

I've read the entire thread and I'm scratching my head trying to understand why a married couple would like to live in the same house as their MIL, FIL or S(B)IL. I wonder if any of the poster will agree to live in the MIL house abroad, so why here ?

Well, I don't like living with her, that's kind of obvious. When you don't have a huge amount of money coming in, it's not so easy just to set yourself up in any other city as you suggest. Outside of here my husband would be lucky to get a job earning 6,000 baht a month working ridiculous hours and I would have to teach English which I consider hel_l on earth (more so then living with the MIL believe it or not!). So, we have established our own business, that while it makes ok money, it's not enough to save much.

You obviously have absolutely no concept of how much most Thais respect their parents. It's got nothing to do with being a 'mamaboy' which he definitely is not (that goes to his brother). He lived independantly of his parents since he was 18 and only moved back here when we got married as he had lost everything in the tsunami. I was at the end of a year round the world trip with no plans to stay in Thailand, so that explains why neither of us had any money.

..to all of you who say she should move out. you do realize her has no money and her job prospects are slim(as for western salary package). she should be grateful mil lets her live there..............lol. its not mums fault son and daughter r economically challenged.

Well actually the job interview I had last week in Bangkok is quite high level on a farang package that doesn't involve teaching, so shove that up your pie hole Blizzard

I'm just curious, have you ever spoken to your MIL about the problems you are having because of her attitude towards you? Maybe you should try to find out what her problem is with you, instead of letting this situation ruin your life. It's possible that you're not the daughter in law that she was hoping and expecting for, but doesn't want to lose the company of her son for it. I'm just guessing here, I don't know the situation, only your part of the story, I can only tell you, that if you don't address this situation it will only get worse. If you are not willing to do anything about this then you've only yourself to blame.

No malice intended, cheers onzestan

No offense taken, I agree that if I don't do anything I only have myself to blame, which is exactly why I applied for job in Bangkok and hope to hear about it really soon! And my back up plan should that fall through is to leave the country and take her son with me. I'm sure she'll love me even more then! I might procreate overseas too just to rub the salt in

Just curious if you have Thai inlaws onzestan? If I sat down to talk with her about it she wouldn't say a word, then later she would go to discuss things with FIL, all her 6 sisters, her daughter, then come back to my husband to have her say. There is absolutely no possibility whatsoever of her discussing anything to my face! Family discussions always go through at least 10 people before they come back to you .

My first Thai MIL was a demon..

Yep, I think you definitly trumps mine, you poor thing, what a horrible experience

[sbk]

Actually, Rue, that has been my general experience living in a small community as well.

If I have a problem with Mr A, I talk to Mrs B about the problem. Mrs B talks to Mrs A who then talks to Mr A. Then the problem is usually solved. Very rarely is there direct confrontation about a problem and most certainly NOT from a farang daughter-in-law. Unfortunately for your husband he is, as momo so aptly phrased it, the meat in the taco and it is up to him to sort the problems with his mother out, not you. For you to do so would only make you the bad farang in most people's eyes (not just hers).

Although, if you get along with the sister well enough it might work to get her involved. Hmmmm.....

[RueFang]

Yes, my husband is quite the taco Whenever conversations arise about issues I do stay completely out of it because from past experience as soon as I enter the room the conversation stops. Hub fills me in later. I think they don't want to offend the farang or something! I know that I will never fit in with her because she can't understand anything outside of small town life which I accept. I also have to add that it's not just me that has a problem with her. I found out after about a year of living here when I could speak and understand a lot more Thai language that no one likes her, so I stopped taking it so personally.

Rest assured I have my sister in law onside She's a gem and completely understands. She obviously really loves her mum but has told me that even she couldn't live with her..she lives in Bangkok with no plans to return to live.

[Momo8]

In extended Asian families it is the childrens' duty to take care of the parents.See it from a different perspective for a moment.You are living in his mother's house,trying to save money when the MIL has expectations that her offspring would take care of her in her decrepit old age and not have to put herself out for her son and daughter-in-law.You're a farang so maybe she thinks you have money just don't want to spread it around.

So she doesn't care about the situation any more than you do.I'd be careful about the culture thing here too as your husband has so far backed off from any confrontations/discussions it means he does not want to be placed in the position of making him choose between you and his mother.Maybe subconsciously so but so far nobody has been proactive about changing the current situation....and it's been 3 long years.

You're also setting up a situation where you will alienate the whole family if the MIL is talking to everyone else in the family about this..You have a strong relationship with your hubby but blood is thicker than water and at some point he's going to blame you.A job in Bangkok will save the situation but you really need to take control of your life and be independent.This is not an insensitive thing to say as in your current position your blood is boiling but you need to step outside the square and think how you can change it.

It's OK to vent but ultimately YOU are the only one who has the power to change things and don't place hubby in the position of having to choose.Hard call,hope you are sccessful with the prospective new job.

[onzestan]

Just curious if you have Thai inlaws onzestan? If I sat down to talk with her about it she wouldn't say a word, then later she would go to discuss things with FIL, all her 6 sisters, her daughter, then come back to my husband to have her say. There is absolutely no possibility whatsoever of her discussing anything to my face! Family discussions always go through at least 10 people before they come back to you .

Yes Ruefang I have Thai inlaws, as a matter of fact a lot of them.

I have had my fair share of problems dealing with the family, but in the end it all worked out, simply because I have never shied away from speaking my mind in a calm and reasonable way, directly to the person involved. I didn't care if it was not the Thai way, I'm not Thai and don't pretend to be, they have to accept that I have my own morality, background, fear's, wishes and hopes.

Funny how things have changed overtime, in the beginning I was the bad apple, now I'm the one they come to for advice.

Next month I will be happily married for 19 years and I can say that my wife stands 100% beside me, as I stand beside her.

Good luck and one last piece of advice, take your life in your own hands and step out of your victim role.

No malice intended

Onzestan

[RueFang]

I know this is a forum where it's hard to judge different people's situations and I find it interesting to get people's views, so thank you. I will explain a little more..

In extended Asian families it is the childrens' duty to take care of the parents.See it from a different perspective for a moment.You are living in his mother's house,trying to save money when the MIL has expectations that her offspring would take care of her in her decrepit old age and not have to put herself out for her son and daughter-in-law.You're a farang so maybe she thinks you have money just don't want to spread it around.

We're not actually trying to save at the moment because our income doesn't allow it and since we are the only ones who ever buy food and pay the electric, water and phone bills, it's not like we're sponging off her. In Thai families it's expected that the daughters will take care of the parents in old age, rather then the sons. At this stage she hates anyone trying to take care of her and refuses help if offered. She cuts rubber every day, is in the fields working most of the day and hardly stops to breathe. It is something that people actually joke about behind her back, that she never stops working because all she cares about is making money and can never relax. Seriously, people can't stand her.

I'd be careful about the culture thing here too as your husband has so far backed off from any confrontations/discussions it means he does not want to be placed in the position of making him choose between you and his mother.Maybe subconsciously so but so far nobody has been proactive about changing the current situation....and it's been 3 long years.

Of course my husband hates choosing between his mother and his wife. Who on earth would want to constantly deal with that, and I don't expect him to choose one side.

I'm thinking that people aren't really reading the whole thread before responding. As I have previously mentioned several times I am being proactive, having applied for a job in BKK. The first 2+ years were not painful living here. Living in the village suited me fine, I liked the lifestyle and my surroundings and she was the ONLY thing that bothered me about living here and so I accepted that life can't always be perfect, this is an opportunity for growth, learn patience, whatever. But it's just been the last 6 or so months that the situation has become too much and so I am doing something about it (job app).

You're also setting up a situation where you will alienate the whole family if the MIL is talking to everyone else in the family about this..You have a strong relationship with your hubby but blood is thicker than water and at some point he's going to blame you.

This actually made me laugh out loud. Thanks It was when we started talking to other people about the situation that everybody confessed to hating her too!

[RueFang]

Good luck and one last piece of advice, take your life in your own hands and step out of your victim role.

oh poor me, poor me! . I am such the victim It does appear that's how I feel writing it in a forum like this I'm afraid . Oh well, it is nice to have a whinge every once in a while though This thread is giving me some smiles and interaction with the outside world though which I for one am happy about.

edit -added quote from onzestan for clarity

Edited March 1, 2008 by RueFang

[cmsally]

Well actually the job interview I had last week in Bangkok is quite high level on a farang package that doesn't involve teaching, so shove that up your pie hole Blizzard biggrin.gif

Seriously, you have to take a look at the situation in black and white. She is not going to change if she is basically an unfriendly person and the 2 of you don't get on. My advice is to ignore her, move out, work on the economical side of the equation and then if/when you choose to move back , you can build a house of your own and live on your own terms. No point into getting into arguments about it just be proactive. Sounds like you have made a start already. Good luck!

[Momo8]

RueFang it's not about that we forum members 'hate' your mother-in-law it's your side of the story only.

People can only voice their opinions based on what facts you have presented.What about HER side,is there one?Sure everyone has a story to tell but calm down here and it's OK to vent on a forum but nobody here knows anything else only what you have stated.

What has caused this change if previously it was OK?Obviously the time has come to a conclusion and you have to leave the nest or get shat on.If you're not saving money then the situation is unsolvable how can you go to Bankok without money?You don't get on period,has to be more to this story as sad as it is.Can you go back to Oz on a break?What are your family's opinion about what you should do?What does your SIL think?

I can symphasize with you but not emphasize with you.When my MIL wanted to move in and look after the baby I very tactfully used a roundabout way to discourage her from doing it as I needed my space and bonding.All smiles,no confrontations,all very pleasant.My husband hired a full time nanny,organized everything,pretty lucky with him.My situation is different though and my husband point blanc told her that.Having my own mum here made a big difference too.

I tell you the hardest part in these kinds of situations is when children come along and the MIL tries to run your life.She still does but that's OK groundrules have been set in a very nice way.That's something you can't escape from but with a little technique it can be done.

I REALLY hope you get that job in BKK and escape your situation and that whilst doing so your hate for your mother-in-law doesn't come back to haunt you and damage your marriage.

Edited March 1, 2008 by Momo8

[RueFang]

Seriously, you have to take a look at the situation in black and white. She is not going to change if she is basically an unfriendly person and the 2 of you don't get on. My advice is to ignore her, move out, work on the economical side of the equation and then if/when you choose to move back , you can build a house of your own and live on your own terms. No point into getting into arguments about it just be proactive. Sounds like you have made a start already. Good luck!

Thanks cm, that pretty much sums it up!

RueFang it's not about that we forum members 'hate' your mother-in-law it's your side of the story only.

People can only voice their opinions based on what facts you have presented.What about HER side,is there one?Sure everyone has a story to tell but calm down here and it's OK to vent on a forum but nobody here knows anything else only what you have stated.

I completely agree. I would love nothing more then to have an open discussion with her to hear her side and how she feels about me, which is what I would have done if she was 'western' or we could communicate effectively in the same language (I'm not fluent) with each other, but alas, that is not the situation.

What has caused this change if previously it was OK?

Have come to see that no matter how nice I am or how I act around her, she still can't be nice gets very draining. I overlooked it for all that time as my joy of living here outweighed her negativity, but I guess hitting the 3 year mark has spurred me into action to 'get my life back'!

how can you go to Bankok without money?

We'll only go to BKK if I get this very well paid job.

Can you go back to Oz on a break?What are your family's opinion about what you should do?What does your SIL think?

If we go back to oz it won't just be for a break as the expense of coming and going is a lot. If we go it will be for minimum a few years, which my husband is happy to do as he needs to get away to regain his freedom too. My friends and family can't believe I've lived here happily for so long (I haven't been unhappy for that long!) having come to visit and meeting her! Like I said before my SIL completely understands..it's her mother, if anyone knows her, it's her daughter! She is really hoping we come to live up there so we can live near her

I REALLY hope you get that job in BKK and escape your situation and that whilst doing so your hate for your mother-in-law doesn't come back to haunt you and damage your marriage.

Thanks momo, appreciate your imput giving different perspectives and your well wishes My husband used to get upset if I said anything bad about his mother but now (after living here so long) he moans about her more then I do! I know when we don't live here things will improve with her.

[Momo8]

In a situation like this with an Asian MIL it's NEVER wise to criticise.You're frustrated,hubby is frustrated the MIL is gossiping behind your back and you lack contact and support from other farang females.I'd go nuts.Yeaaai for HK!

Do your best to maintain your balance until you find out about the job maybe do something out of the ordinary to show you care for her and see what's her reaction.Things always look bad when you can't see a way out.

There will be a way out,just play the waiting game here.Not for very much longer one hopes.

Edited March 1, 2008 by Momo8