A Basic Guide

[tuky]

Basic Guide to Aussie Life

1. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.

2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.

3. Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a

new art

gallery , there is no Australian event that cannot be improved

by a sausage

sizzle.

4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's

probably a media

billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.

5. There is no food that cannot be improved by the application

of tomato

sauce.

6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by

placing

them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.

7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the

plastic milk

crate.

8. All our best heroes are losers.

9. The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue

tongs from the

hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.

10. It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to

hold.

11. A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America,

but a fine

example of Australian footwear. A group of sheilas wearing

black rubber

thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped.

12. It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total

b@stard". By

contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a b@stard".

13. Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate"

can be traced

to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s,

and the

development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship".

Alternatively,

Australians may just be really hopeless with names.

14. The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only

to himself,

but to the mosquitoes.

15. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's

not worth

fixing.

16. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is

the one

that has the swimming pool.

17. It's considered better to be down on your luck than up

yourself.

18. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in

the family

drinks too much.

19. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and

then spend

all night drinking the host's beer. (Don't worry, he'll have

catered for

it).

20. If there's any sort of free event or party within a hundred

kilometres,

you'd be a mug not to go.

21. The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take

everything

you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car,

you're not

trying.

22. Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down

in your front

yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or

leaning on the

fence is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are

for.

23. The tarred road always ends just after the house of the

local mayor.

24. On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food

versus grog

battle that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad at

home.

25. When on a country holiday, the neon sign advertising the

motel's pool

will always be slightly larger than the pool itself.

26. The men are tough, but the women are tougher.

27. The chief test of manhood is one's ability to install a

beach umbrella

in high winds.

28. Australians love new technology. Years after their

introduction, most

conversations on mobile phones are principally about the fact

that the call

is "being made on my mobile".

29. There comes a time in every Australian's life when he/she

realises that

the Aerogard is a bloody sight worse than the flies.

30. And, finally, don't let the tourist books fool you. No-one

EVER says

"cobber" to anyone ... EVER!