The Tazer And I

[Saiyan]

Not too long ago, I saw something at the gun shop that sparked my

interest. The occasion was our 10th anniversary and I was looking for a

little something extra for my wife. What I came across was a

100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized tazer.

The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long

term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to

retreat to safety. Needless to say, this was way too cool. Long story

short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA

batteries in the thing and pushed the button. Fxxk all! I was so

disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND

pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get a blue arc

of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to my wife what that burn spot is

on the face of her LG convection oven.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it

couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? Yea. There

I sat in my recliner, my cat looking on intently, the trusting little

soul, while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really

needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must

admit I thought about zapping Kitty for a fraction of a second, but

thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat and, as most of you

already know, hel_l hath no fury like a cat pissed off. But, if I was

going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger,

I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and my rugby jersey,

with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,

directions in one hand, tazer in another. The directions said that a

one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second

burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily

control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop

on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three

seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at

this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in

circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA

batteries thinking to myself "no flipping way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with her head tilted to one

side as if to say, "don't do it, you stupid man," reasoning that a

one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thingy couldn't hurt all

that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck

of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and

HOLY MOTHER OF @@@!!!!, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION, CRAP ON A STICK,

F@&$ ME GEORGE!!!!! I'm pretty sure THE RUGBY TEAM ran in through

the side door, picked me up, body slammed me on the carpet over and over

and over again and then slammed the recliner over my head as a just for fun.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears

in my eyes, body soaking wet smelling like piss, both nipples on fire,

testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in

the oddest position, and pins and needles in my legs. The cat was

standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking

my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, do it again you

stupid aas!"

Please take this from the voice of experience - there is no such thing

as a one-second burst when you zap yourself!!!!. You will not let go of

that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing

about on the floor! Three second burst would be considered conservative.

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at

that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and

surveyed the landscape. My bent and forlorn reading glasses were hanging

miserably on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there? My

triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt

like it had been shot up with Novocain, and judging by how my jaw hung

listlessly, my bottom lip must have weighed 88 lbs. By the way, at this

point my testicles, feeling like they withdrew into my body somewhere

around my ribcage, are still waiting for the all clear signal to emerge

from the bomb shelter. Now I know how Tom Hanks' character felt when he

had to go search for Private Ryan. I felt like I should offer a

significant reward for their safe return. Even now, I experience

shrinkage when I plug anything into the socket.

So if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a tazer to test it,

take my advice!

Repeat after me...here, kitty, kitty, kitty....