Plane (sic) Humour From Air Travellers.

[Zpete]

I took an early morning flight on Pacific Blue last Friday and noticed staff added some personal flair to their on-board announcements:

"We at Pacific Blue pride ourselves in having some of the best flight crew and cabin staff in the world - unfortunately they couldn't be with us today ... "

" ... in the event that oxygen is needed masks will drop. To operate, pull the mask down - stop screaming - and fit the mask ... "

" ... pull the tags to inflate the vest ... there is also a whistle and a light to attract attention - of sharks."

" ... no smoking anywhere on the plane even in the toilet where there is a smoke detector and an alarm - and a video camera."

"Did anyone notice those naughty passengers who didn't wait for the plane to stop before leaving their seats? We now ask those people to kindly leave the plane."

" ... your luggage is being unloaded and will be available once we have gone through it and removed anything of value."

At least they are honest, with sense of humour......LOL

Edited May 16, 2008 by Zpete

[colino]

I heard one say The smoking area is through the middle two doors

if you can light it you can smoke it

[Cuban]

On a short haul commuter flight some years ago on landing during the usual welcome to and don't forget your bags etc. the voice said "...we have landed ten minutes before our sheduled arrival time, we apologise for any inconvenience this has caused."

[toptuan]

" ... your luggage is being unloaded and will be available once we have gone through it and removed anything of value."

In Thailand, especially among Thais, that one would be hard to get a laugh out of...

[tw25rw]

Flew on Thai last week. I'm sure that they didn't do the safety briefing.. Neither live in the cabin nor on the video screen.

[hanibal7]

remember flying on a small plane to amsterdam from uk and the captain said if anybody wants a piss please move my hat,which is situated on the bog.

very funny.

[dr_Pat_Pong]

remember flying on a small plane to amsterdam from uk and the captain said if anybody wants a piss please move my hat,which is situated on the bog.

very funny.

[wilko]

Thai Airways - a disaster waiting to happen -

After complaining that my seat that was meant to be by a door had no leg room at all when I'd asked for extra and was in front of the bulkhead, I had to show the head steward....he looked at the bulkhead and then at the chair and said "Well there USED to be a door there"

Edited May 16, 2008 by wilko

[Zpete]

Tom M********, was in a real hard landing at O'Hare when the flight attendant announced.......

"Capt Kangaroo would like you all to remain seated, whilst he bounces to the terminal."

[wilko]

After several delays and a return to the terminal on a flight from Rome to London the Captain came over finally announcing our take-off....

"So everyone, once in the air I suggest you do what I do......fold my arms, lean back, put my feet up, close my eyes and go to sleep."

I'm not sure many realised what he's actually said.

[Kan Win]

Posted this "2004-02-24 17:31:07"

This is for "Pete's Sake"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

PAY ATTENTION!!

Airline Utterances

For all you frequent flyers!!!!!!!! Laugh out loud, it confuses the neighbours!!!!

"Real announcements from pilots and cabin crew"

Pilot: "Folks, we have reached cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seatbelt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

Airline attendant during safety demonstration: "There may be fifty ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this airplane."

Stewardess after a bumpy touchdown: "We ask you to please remain seated whilst Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

Loudspeaker announcement after landing: "Thank you for flying Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

Attendant from same airline: "Welcome aboard. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull tight. If you don't know how to operate one then you really shouldn't be out unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child with you, secure your own mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with two small children, decide now which one you love more".

Pilot: "The weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember.... nobody loves you or your money more than this airline".

Stewardess: "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In an emergency water landing, please take one with our compliments".

Pilot heard over loudspeaker during touchdown: "Whoa, big fella, WHOA!"

Flight attendant after rough landing: "Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our plane to the terminal gate".

Stewardess: "As you exit, please make sure to gather your belongings. Anything left behind will be evenly distributed among the attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses".

Pilot: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry ..... sadly, none of them are on this flight".

Flight attendant: " Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and his crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the terminal gate. Once the tyre-smoke has cleared and the warning bells stop, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal".

Steward: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us".

Stewardess: "Last passenger off the plane has to clean it".

Loudspeaker announcement: "I don't know whether we landed or were shot down".

Pilot "Welcome aboard flight 163 to New York, we shall be flying at argggghhhh ......oh my god!... oh no!.......... sorry about that folks, I've just spilt my coffee, you should see the front of my trousers."

Passenger - in response: "You should see the back of mine ....!!"

Kan Win

[bangkokrick]

I took an early morning flight on Pacific Blue last Friday and noticed staff added some personal flair to their on-board announcements:

"We at Pacific Blue pride ourselves in having some of the best flight crew and cabin staff in the world - unfortunately they couldn't be with us today ... "

" ... in the event that oxygen is needed masks will drop. To operate, pull the mask down - stop screaming - and fit the mask ... "

" ... pull the tags to inflate the vest ... there is also a whistle and a light to attract attention - of sharks."

" ... no smoking anywhere on the plane even in the toilet where there is a smoke detector and an alarm - and a video camera."

"Did anyone notice those naughty passengers who didn't wait for the plane to stop before leaving their seats? We now ask those people to kindly leave the plane."

" ... your luggage is being unloaded and will be available once we have gone through it and removed anything of value."

At least they are honest, with sense of humour......LOL

We were sitting in the lounge in Beijing airport awaiting the flight bound for Bangkok, when an announcement came over tha PA system informing us that our fright had been delayed. The English language can be quite difficult at times.

Cheers, Rick

[wilko]

Posted this "2004-02-24 17:31:07"

This is for "Pete's Sake"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

PAY ATTENTION!!

Airline Utterances

For all you frequent flyers!!!!!!!! Laugh out loud, it confuses the neighbours!!!!

"Real announcements from pilots and cabin crew"

Pilot: "Folks, we have reached cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seatbelt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

Airline attendant during safety demonstration: "There may be fifty ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this airplane."

Stewardess after a bumpy touchdown: "We ask you to please remain seated whilst Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

Loudspeaker announcement after landing: "Thank you for flying Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

Attendant from same airline: "Welcome aboard. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull tight. If you don't know how to operate one then you really shouldn't be out unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child with you, secure your own mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with two small children, decide now which one you love more".

Pilot: "The weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember.... nobody loves you or your money more than this airline".

Stewardess: "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In an emergency water landing, please take one with our compliments".

Pilot heard over loudspeaker during touchdown: "Whoa, big fella, WHOA!"

Flight attendant after rough landing: "Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our plane to the terminal gate".

Stewardess: "As you exit, please make sure to gather your belongings. Anything left behind will be evenly distributed among the attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses".

Pilot: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry ..... sadly, none of them are on this flight".

Flight attendant: " Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and his crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the terminal gate. Once the tyre-smoke has cleared and the warning bells stop, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal".

Steward: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us".

Stewardess: "Last passenger off the plane has to clean it".

Loudspeaker announcement: "I don't know whether we landed or were shot down".

Pilot "Welcome aboard flight 163 to New York, we shall be flying at argggghhhh ......oh my god!... oh no!.......... sorry about that folks, I've just spilt my coffee, you should see the front of my trousers."

Passenger - in response: "You should see the back of mine ....!!"

Kan Win

:D

[toptuan]

...an announcement came over tha PA system informing us that our fright had been delayed.

Cheers, Rick

Similarly, I remember the Haneida Airport JAL flight attendant, at the entrance to the jetway wishing her passengers as they left the gate: "Have a nice fright!"

[sinom]

Going down a taxi-way at old Don Muang

something like ........

This is your Captain speaking, we wish to apologise for the sudden turbulance and ask all passengers to remain seated with seatbelts fastened. We are sure this problem will clear once we are airbourne..........................

I think it was a BA flight !

[brizzle]

Perhaps not really funny but the Irish accent and the charming simplicity of it all made me smile....

On a short haul Bristol to Dublin flight on Air Lingus...the captain just after takeoff..."well good morning ladies and gentlemen,and today is a good day for flying,we shall be flying in a forwards direction over Fishguard and then turning left........"

[Old Croc]

Many years ago, I was to fly from Lombok to Bali on a local crappy little airline. There was a long delay in departing and the reason became obvious when virtually everyone working at the airport, including the flight crew, crowded into, or hung through the windows of, the small waiting lounge.

It had the only tv in the place and a Muhammad Ali title fight was showing!

As soon as the fight was over the whole airport went back to work and the flight took off.

(Can't remember which fight it was now)

[IMA_FARANG]

I took an early morning flight on Pacific Blue last Friday and noticed staff added some personal flair to their on-board announcements:

"We at Pacific Blue pride ourselves in having some of the best flight crew and cabin staff in the world - unfortunately they couldn't be with us today ... "

" ... in the event that oxygen is needed masks will drop. To operate, pull the mask down - stop screaming - and fit the mask ... "

" ... pull the tags to inflate the vest ... there is also a whistle and a light to attract attention - of sharks."

" ... no smoking anywhere on the plane even in the toilet where there is a smoke detector and an alarm - and a video camera."

"Did anyone notice those naughty passengers who didn't wait for the plane to stop before leaving their seats? We now ask those people to kindly leave the plane."

" ... your luggage is being unloaded and will be available once we have gone through it and removed anything of value."

At least they are honest, with sense of humour......LOL

I was once on a military charter flight...blew a tire on takeoff. We didn't know until we were near to our destination and the crew gave us an emergency landing brief. One of the stewardesses was apparently a little flustered by the emergency landing. She meant to say that we were to lean forward, grabbing our knees wtih our arms and putting our heads down between our knees, However what she actually said was for us to lean forward, grab our knees with our arms and to place our heads between her knees. Since the flight had about 250 male military on it, she got quite a laugh about that.

Also once on a military C-130 prop aircraft the loadmaster thought he was a comic. He told everyone to exit only by the rear ramp, and not to walk forward to the engine area until the props had stopped spining. He concluded,"If you do in fact decide to go forward before the props have come to a full halt, please be sure to first leave your name and the name of your next of kin with one of the crew before you do that."

[KhunG]

On a Monday morning Southwest Airlines flight out of New Orleans during Mardi Gras: "Your flight crew has just spent the weekend in New Orleans. You don't want any peanuts, and you don't need a drink. The quieter you are, the better we'll like you"

I understood completely.

[Zpete]

Friend sent me these airline names and what they stand for......PMPL

AA (American Airlines) - Always Awful

BOAC (British Overseas Airways Corp.) - Better On A Camel ,Bloody Old and Careless.

LUFTHANSA - Let Us <deleted> The Horses, Are No Stewardesses Available

QANTAS - Queer And Nasty Types As Stewards

SAS (Scandinavian Airl. System) - Sweet And Sexy, Sex And Service

TWA (Transworld Airl.) - Travel Without Arrival, Try Walking, asshol_e

SABENA (Belgium) - Such A Bloody Experience, Never

PA (Philippine Airways)- Please Avoid

PAL (Phil. Airlines) - Philippines Always Late

SIA (Singapore Intl.Airl.) - So Incredible, Aah

EAL (Eastern) - Eastern's Always Late

[SeaVisionBurma]

Actually, if my memory serves me correctly LUFTHANSA stands for "Let Us <deleted> The Hostess And Not Say Anything"