33 Year Old Brit Looking For Life Advice From Elders

[bartender100]

I have not read all the reply's, but why not get a teaching degree in the UK, what? maybe 2 years,less probably, then move back to LOS get a decent posting somewhere, they are still crying out for QUALIFIED teachers, and pay a liverable salary .

Perhaps if your wife is smart she could do the same course

[wolf5370]

I think, from your posts, that you are stuck in a rut and heading on into depression. I think you have been given some great advice here. I think you need something to focus on and something that can build you and give you confidence - and take your mind away from internalising everything. I think taking a course that could lead to a saleable skill should be your immediate goal and your long term goal to break away from your situation. This may be Thailand, or it may be a new job in London or whatever.

I lived in the UK for ten years with my Thai wife. I have never had a friend or family member speak ill of her, nor us. I have also rarely had it said by strangers - on the odd occation where it had happened (always by some mouthy gobshite of a turd teen showing off to his possie) I have made my views on it rather obvious I would suggest it is the company you are keeping (family included by the sound of it). Meet up with some other mixed couples, you'd be surprised how many Thai women/farang couples there are in the UK - in my area in Kent I have many such friends (and such friends from Southend to Edinbrough). Thry the forums as sugested, and/or visit your nearest Thai Temple - I don't know where in the SouthEast you are, but there are several in London - the biggest is in Wimbledon (Collone Road), but there are other smaller (converted houses) that are probably much better to meet people. Getting out will probably do you good too - and I'm sure it will help your wife's homesickness to know some local Thais.

Good luck

PM me with you locale and I'll try and see if I can find the local Wat for you - I know a few Monks.

[jubby]

I'm from a council estate, I've had work related stress and anxiety, but have never worried about what people think about my wife as I know she's wonderful and I'm proud of her. You should be too. You can't know what anyone else things or is going to say, so don't worry about it. I'm no expert on psycology, can't even spell it, but if you project confidence and show your proud of your wife, people pick up on it and you'll probably get less hassle. I've only managed to see one ting tong sketch on Little britain and thought it was hilarious, but I know its not me & the wife. Get out of the Call centre. move somewhere else. Start a Family. (If your on low pay, Its no secret that the government will throw money at you if you have Kids to enable the children to have a decent standard of living). I'm not saying its a good reason to start a Family, but if you've considered having kids, then it wouldn't be a financial burden as in other countries.

Start thinking how lucky you are, if you were born in Thailand, or Burma you'd proably be struggling more I would think.

try to get a better Job, maybe a bit of part time study could help. I've just been working on an IT project with Romanians and moldovans, all seem like nice people, but why are they here, I'd guess for the money and because there are skills shortages in certain areas.

[desi]

This post may be full of contradictions or even make no sense at all. I have just poured out onto my laptop. I am quite a sensative guy so please go easy on me. I am not going to even read and check what I have written beacause I will probably not post so here goes, i am hitting sumit right now......

Note: I have not read all the way to the bottom ...

Seems you've done what most us have at some point, which is take stock of your life so far.

Going in unhappy circles is a waste of a lifetime, so it's a positive move really. Now you just need to decide what to do about those thoughts rolling around your head.

If you are living in a negative environment, then you will be affected by it no matter how hard your try to resist. From just reading through your words I can see how this is so.

And although I didn't have the exact same upbringing, I can see similarities. As I grew older, I became tired of being around caustic personalities as they are just too much work. One by one, I got them out of my life, and what a release that was! Sure, my circle of friends is smaller now, but my day to day living is pleasant, not stressed.

Your family ... I married a Brit who has a similar family as what you have, so I can pretty much guarentee that no matter who you married, American, French, German, whatever, you'd get similar flack back. Just a different negative song and dance.

Your friends ... are they really your friends?

Suggestion? Move on. Limit the time you spend with negative people and increase the time you have with your lovely Thai wife.

Finding a sweet, giving person like her is not as easy as people like to make out. And finding a mate who is pleasant to get along with year after year (of any nationality) isn't easy either. And maybe this you'll only discover for yourself after sending her home? It'd be a pity and even if you do change your mind later, you can't take that back.

Education ... go for it. Four years is nothing really.

[Crushdepth]

I have often has negatives things slighted at my relationship. "Ignorant w-class englishman marry Thai women", "Guys with Thai women are sad/losers etc", "Thai women are greedy, money hungry etc" Even at a family gathering my elder sister has deliberately put "Little Britain" on the TV, and made everybody quieten down to watch the "tingtong macdonald" sketch!! (Some of you will know who I mean). Is it envy?

Usually, its a large dose of ignorance and a small amount of envy. If YOU are happy then <deleted> everyone else. Are they happy with *their* wives? Probably not. You are a lucky guy!

I still haven't ruled out University. Is 33 too old to obtain a belated education? Is it worth it?

If (and only if) you are interested, its definitely worth it and can be a good way to get into a different line of work. My experience is that older students are often better because they are more level headed and less inclined to spend their study time chasing girls and drinking beer (like I did). Don't worry about age, I first went to uni at 17 and done a few courses on an off since - now at 37 just starting a PhD!

Don't let anyone stop you doing whatever it is you want to do.

Edited May 29, 2008 by Crushdepth

[Super Hans]

It's hard to offer advice without knowing the personalities involved, but here goes.

Firstly, I'd be very wary of jacking in a job to go to university. You're 33, and may well find, mixing with kids half your age annoying in the extreme. Students are possibly the most irritating people on the planet - you could find yourself being very lonely indeed. An OU course may be benefical, as would any number of night school type courses run by your local colleges. It generally doesn't matter what you do because no education is a waste, but a course leading to a trade would probably be the most marketable and lucrative. I have many friends who work in the building trade - they are all self-employed and work from April-October in the UK, and spend the rest of the time relaxing in the sun on Thailand. They have money to burn. Bricklaying is perhaps the most versatile and lucrative, and probably the easiest to learn.

Secondly, avoid `get rich quick' schemes - I don't know the details of the DVD thing you're on about, but would be extremely wary.

Thirdly, and most importantly, exercise is one of the few proven ways of beating depression. Go running every night, without fail. Have a fitness regime worked out and stick to it.

Finally, have a plan, something to look forward to. Doesn't matter if you succeed or not, but it'll give you something to think about and remove the temptation to dwell on your problems.

ps, as to what other people think about you, just remember this; you were 5 minutes gossip, and they've moved on to be bitter and jealous of someone else a LONG time ago.

On the scale of things, you're quite a lucky fella.

[mark lamai]

humbly i would suggest making a plan that will see you going somewhere in the next 5-10 years.

then making small steps along that path.

your situation resembles a depressed personality where there is no light and no door in a dark room.

sometimes the simple realisation that there is a way out can alleviate the helplessness.

a very small positive action can help to restart hope.

so along with repairing your working life and career path you can repair your emotional tangles,

the one can help the other quite a lot.

think of a skill or job that you could learn and enjoy that would be useful both in england and in thailand.

maybe in building/construction. carpenter, plumber, study requirements being less onerous.

buy, renovate and sell condos in thailand? Construction supervisor for farangs?

Not sure being a teacher would suit you, what do you think?

Much of the above advice is also very good, especially concerning a wider and better social network.

You have been very lucky to marry a wonderful lady.

She sees much in you that is good and worthwhile, so its down there somewhere for you to find also.

medication and CBT seems to have not worked and i would say will not work if done again.

simple talk therapy may be more appropriate.

go to the Wat and learn meditation, do it daily.

Start and keep a daily diary, write down your thoughts, emotions and actions.

There is a way out. Always remember that.

[awakened]

I have had a serious self-confidence problem which has blighted these first 3 decades of my life.

Ok, you. LISTEN.

I have been there, done that. Nervous breakdowns, panic attacks, suicidal moments. Years of intolerable strain, thinking I was going mad. I NEVER want to go through that again. When you are in 'THE PIT' no-one, unless they have already been there, understands what you are going through.

I hope that whoever has treated you has reinforced one very important point. YOU ARE NORMAL. Your reactions to stress are NORMAL. The exhausted adrenals and I suspect low levels of cortisol are NORMAL based on the degree of stress you are experiencing. The body is doing exactly as it is designed to do except you are unable to bounce back due to a number of factors, some of which are psychological and some are physical.

The medical Drug-peddlers will not help you. Fluoride based anti-depressants will turn you into a zombie for a while but when you try to come off them, the anxiety will return in strength. I was on them for 3 and a half years and no-one warned me about side effects or their addictive nature.

Being told to think positive is a fine sentiment but an impossibility when you are having 400 depressing thoughts an hour. You need to break your negativity/anxiety spiral.

The root cause is always the mind but the solution needs to involve both mind AND body. When I look back at all the things I tried over the years, there were several that stand out.

Let's start with approaches that are FREE.

Tension

One of the most important actions is to release the tension all that worry is generating in your body. Otherwise it just feeds back into your mind.

Yoga is easy to learn and won't cost you a penny. There are plenty of sites online. Hatha Yoga works from the outside in (the body influencing the mind) while Raja Yoga works from the inside out (the mind influencing the body).

1. You need a relaxation technique. Learn the 'Corpse' posture. Then practice it.

2. Stretch all the major muscle groups. Learn the 'Sun Salute'. Practice 10 minutes every day.

3. BREATH. You MUST learn and understand how important getting sufficient oxygen into the body (and mind) is. I am sending you a technique via pm. It only needs 2-3 minutes per day.

Calming the mind

I once spent 6 weeks in an Ayurvedic clinic in India. One technique was to plonk a lump of cold mud on my head. I laughed at first, then 10 minutes later my mind was surprisingly relaxed.

The western equivalent? A cold shower.

I don't mean the whole body. Just your head. You don't want to get chilled. Just let cold water run over your head and when you feel your head start to get warm, that's it. You're done. Do it every morning.

TURN OFF THE TV. STOP READING NEWSPAPERS.

Stop writing violence and negativity onto your mental hard drive. Studies have shown that people who do this are HAPPIER.

Remove toxins from your life.

Ban anyone from your home who is likely to drag you down or create conflict. You have enough on your plate without others pulling you down. You have to get CONTROL over your life and your own peace of mind. Stress is a killer. You must not let others undermine your efforts.

Is your food influencing your state of mind? Rubbish in. Rubbish out. I gradually stripped out all processed, refined, tinned, over-sweetened, over-salted, fat-laden crap and now buy fresh from local markets. No ice cream, no sodas, not 'diet'-anything it's a marketing rip off and makes you fatter. I stay away from supermarkets. You may not have that luxury but it doesn't mean you can't improve your diet. I eat well and haven't died for the lack of a bacon sandwich. Do your best and do it gradually. Get adequate nutrition.

Are you boozing? Smoking? I don't need to tell you about this, I'm sure.

EXERCISE

I once completed a two week training course with the Royal Marines. It was the most punishing thing I ever did. But you know what? At the end of the two weeks I was BURSTING with energy, vitality and CONFIDENCE. Find a training buddy or your wife to work out with. Encourage each other.

Your OCD and other emotional/psychological issues (if they still exist after the above) could be addressed through a technique called Emotional Freedom Technique. I will pm you a link.

SUPPORT

Have you tried the Church? I don't care for religious hierachies but people usually have good intentions and the Church is not full of saints, it's full of guys like you and me. Find a good one. When they ask if you need healing at the end of the service, GO. You have nothing to lose from the 'laying on of hands' and you never know, it might work. :-)

Support yourself.

The first thing I do on waking is look out of the window and say this to myself.

'Each morning lean thine arms awhile upon the window-cill of Heaven and gaze upon the Lord. Then with that vision in thy heart, turn strong to meet the day'.

I whistle and sing in the shower. It puts me in a good frame of mind.

MISTAKES

1. Don't make the mistake of being momentarily inspired by these posts, then go looking elsewhere. It's like looking for oil. You drill here and there and never strike oil because you don't drill deep enough. Give a technique time to work!
   
2. Stop superficially agreeing in your mind with other people, then doing nothing. No amount of intellectualizing will change your situation. You have to do the practices. Even if you don't believe in them. Just DO IT.
   
3. Forgive people. Your parents, your ex-g/fs, your grandparents, your lousy boss, everyone you hold responsible for your present circumstances. Forgive them and let it go.
   
   
4. I'll bet you can find at least ONE person on your estate who is always happy. Always cheerful... your estate's 'Lotus flower' If they can be happy, so can you.
   
5. Don't beat yourself up. It is the failures that help us grow and give us wisdom to help others. You will be thankful for them later because, without them, you would never have had the motivation to wake up and transform your life.
   
   
6. You are an amazing creature. One of God's children. You are full of power, wisdom, peace and joy. You need to understand this. You have a responsibility to yourself and to humanity to be healthy. There are elements in this world trying to bring you down. You need to get back in touch with your inner you. Not the anxious child, but you. The real you. The watcher that is inside you knows the truth. Be strong.
   
7. Get a copy of DESIDERATA. Put it next to your bed. MEMORISE it.
   
   

Thank you for sharing your experience. It helps us all.

[mrt273nva]

could there be and underlying problem which is caused by someone continuing to taking your seat?

[icequeen]

The uk is full of small minded people who think only people that are the same age, same sex, same race can have a relationship.

Please note I am not putting all british people in this category but I have experienced this myself so I know that it does happen.

These people are very sad and most probably unhappy in their own lives, personally I would not choose to spend time with people who passed negative comments about my relationship, thats up to you but just because your related to these people doesn't mean you have to have them in your life.

[roygsd]

The uk is full of small minded people who think only people that are the same age, same sex, same race can have a relationship.

Living in th uk with my younger thai wife I have to agree that small minded people exist in the uk, but then the same can be said of thailand, the only diference it that in the uk they are more obvious to spot.

Thailand is far more insular and intolerant of non thais and when it comes to snobbery thai's are in a class of thier own, for me I would rather have someone show themselves in their true light than to hide their true face behind a fake smile.

That said wealth rules wherever you live.

roygsd