Should I Leave Him?

[lisalazarrus]

i married young.

i was 22 at the time, very much in love.

he's quite a bit older than me, in his early 40's now.

he used to make me feel loved, be responsible and helpful, we moved to thailand about 7 months ago and things have gotten worse.

he drinks heavily, though he says otherwise.

he rarely comes home before 2 am and when he does he is too wasted to talk to, it will serve him right when he one day kills himself on his ridiculous little motorcycle.

he has never abused me physically but i don't like him at all anymore.

he works and makes money and i struggle as a teacher and make enough to get by on.

i don't love him very much anymore and i know he is screwing around on me.

i can' seem to find it in myself to get rid of him, he smiles in the morning.

[girlx]

i think you are answering your own questions

[NALAK]

the fact you need to ask the qusetion should give you the answer.

GO

[Boo]

I think you have said it yourself;

but i don't like him at all anymore.

i don't love him very much anymore and i know he is screwing around on me.

Is this how you want to spend the next 20 or 30 years of your life?

Where did you live prior to moving to thailand & what do you think has caused this change in attitude?

If he is unwilling to admit there is a problem & neither of you want to address the issues & try to fix them then what is the point of making yourself miserable?

[britmaveric]

You wouldnt know Chiang Mai Noon would you?

[lisalazarrus]

thank you very much.

i'm at a loss.

it's not as easy as you think to walk away from a seven year relationship.

i stil love him very much.

to answer the question, we lived in Dorset most of the time.

in poole.

he always drank heavily but it has gotten out of control.

i rarely see him anymore, he isn't home now.

i know i should leave him but he is realoly lovely when he wants to be.

[Tywais]

i don't love him very much anymore

i stil love him very much.

Need to be careful of contradictions on this board.

[lisalazarrus]

i don't love him very much anymore

i stil love him very much.

Need to be careful of contradictions on this board.

and pedantic people.

[britmaveric]

Under a Bridge???

[pluto_manibo]

thank you very much.

i'm at a loss.

it's not as easy as you think to walk away from a seven year relationship.

i stil love him very much.

to answer the question, we lived in Dorset most of the time.

in poole.

he always drank heavily but it has gotten out of control.

i rarely see him anymore, he isn't home now.

i know i should leave him but he is realoly lovely when he wants to be.

The famous Seven Year Itch!. Thailand tends to do that on couples, no matter how strong their relationships are. You are still fairly fresh in LOS, so maybe give it some more time for the both of you to adjust.

[Tywais]

i don't love him very much anymore

i stil love him very much.

Need to be careful of contradictions on this board.

and pedantic people.

It was just friendly advice in that knowing some members, they may accuse you of trolling. Nothing more, nothing less in my post.

[GracelessFawn]

If you're unhappy more than you're happy, you should move on. Life's too short to be unhappy. I do believe in love but, not all love stories have a happy ending. Some love last for a year, 2 years, 5 years, 10 years, 20 years or a lifetime but, nothing lasts forever. It's always sad and painful when things don't work-out. Just remember that the pain doesn't last forever. Never be afraid to let go..........

In time, it will be fine.

Edited June 6, 2008 by GracelessFawn

[bina]

is he thai or western or other asia etc???

if he is thai, then we can add that to the list of thai men going back to thailand and 'regressing...'; if he's western, well, its been discussed also....

do u have a place to go to and what to do if u leave him, ?

what's your visa status? financial situation, living situation? kids or not?

etc etc etc

me, ever the pragmatist of the board...

bina

israel

[Ave]

Whether you love him or not of course you can leave him or simply take a break, even just to get some space. Then you can feel what it's like to live your own life without sharing it with somebody else for a change. It might be a healthy thing for both of you to do to get a break. It might make both of you stronger, who knows.

If you decide to go ahead with it I would concentrate on those practical matters like Bina suggests. If you get organised enough to land on your feet at least for a few weeks you will easily find the determination to go as most people in your situation would if they really want to get out of it.

I was feeling very dizzy and physically extremely weak two weeks before I left my ex, I had a broken nose and couldn't stand up properly (won't get into details now, you can well imagine..). Prior to that I had lost my jobs, work permit and my visa was expiring, also I didn't have much money left. Everyday I was repeating to myself that I would get out of there on the last day of the year and I succedeed. I took this as my challenge and an opportunity to start again. In a way I still loved him and he still loved me but we both knew it had to stop. I felt so strong I even surprised myself and the people around me.

Find that courage you have hidden somewhere in yourself and look forward to the big adventure of your life. As they say, the past is history, the future is a mystery but today is a gift, that's why it's called "the" present. Appreciate it and demand your happiness back.

[retirednavyman]

thank you very much.

i'm at a loss.

it's not as easy as you think to walk away from a seven year relationship.

i stil love him very much.

to answer the question, we lived in Dorset most of the time.

in poole.

he always drank heavily but it has gotten out of control.

i rarely see him anymore, he isn't home now.

i know i should leave him but he is realoly lovely when he wants to be.

It's called tough love hon; sit him down and air out your thoughts, what sort of changes you would like to see happen and set a deadline. If things haven't changed or improved considerably by then, well then it's time to move on

Good luck

Mike

[sutnyod]

Listen to your body. If you feel revulsion, or if you get breathing troubles once he is around you know for sure you should leave.

If your heart beats faster with joy when you hear him coming home then sit it out.

Take care

s.

[mssabai]

Leave him. The toughest part is doing it. Just reiterating the advice I got when I posted the same question here a while back but if you are asking the question, then you should be doing it (but hel_l it aint easy). I found tissues, friends and alcohol very important. Not to mention chocolate and shopping. In some ways it is so much harder doing the dumping because you have the make the choice, but once you do it the relief will be great!

[mr_hippo]

I was married in 1971 so I'm a bit of an old fart and believed that marriage was for life - better or worse etc. I was never a drinker - I enjoyed the occasional beer - it was my wife who was and it got worse over the years but I stood by her and tried to help. I worked hard during those years and at one point I was working 12 hour night shifts seven days a week and I had only about 10 nights off in a 2 year period! We had a fairly nice house, car and all the trimmings but the money in the bank was getting less and less. In 1997, our house was repossessed and we were rehoused in a very bad part of town - my world crumbled around me. I was still trying to help here but in 2001, she brought her brother, brother-in-law and nephew round and literally stripped the house bare whilst I was in there. She divorced me in 2002 citing 'my' unreasonable behaviour!

Looking back on those years, I was 'walking on egg shells' for many years and it's not very pleasant! I do not know you or your partner but from reading your posts, I would say cut your losses and get out now; I would not like any other person to go through what I went through. Others will say "stick by him and help him." but you can't help him to stop only he can do that.

The break-up will be painful, I cried for months, but your health and well-being are the most important thing here. My ex-wife died in 2005 from neglect brought on by alcoholic poisoning, I lost a lot financially, my kids lost their mum and my grandkids their grandmother.

How am I now? Living with my new wife in Bangkok and never been happier so there is light at the end of the long, dark egg shell strewn tunnel. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

[midasthailand]

thank you very much.

i'm at a loss.

it's not as easy as you think to walk away from a seven year relationship.

i stil love him very much.

to answer the question, we lived in Dorset most of the time.

in poole.

he always drank heavily but it has gotten out of control.

i rarely see him anymore, he isn't home now.

i know i should leave him but he is realoly lovely when he wants to be.

It's called tough love hon; sit him down and air out your thoughts, what sort of changes you would like to see happen and set a deadline. If things haven't changed or improved considerably by then, well then it's time to move on

Good luck

Mike

Good advice here Mike. Your decision, but only after you confront him (try and find a sober moment to do so if you can). I know the ladies won't like this but ask him if it's anything that you are (or are not) doing that is causing his unacceptable behaviour. All the very best of luck, I hope it works out for you one way or the other.

[rockyysdt]

thank you very much.

i'm at a loss.

it's not as easy as you think to walk away from a seven year relationship.

i stil love him very much.

to answer the question, we lived in Dorset most of the time.

in poole.

he always drank heavily but it has gotten out of control.

i rarely see him anymore, he isn't home now.

i know i should leave him but he is realoly lovely when he wants to be.

Alcoholism is a vicious thing.

He has probably lost the ability to fulfill his part of the relationship because alcohol has become the third party.

Either get him to counselling or walk away.

Perhaps have a fling with a nice hunk.

He'll either realise he's losing the love of his life and pull his finger out, or he may end things.

Either way, atleast you'll know where you stand.

You must love yourself.

You are a special unique being.

If you don't love yourself, how can you expect him to love you?

There are probably thousands of men on this planet who would love to love you.

Edited June 11, 2008 by rockyysdt

[saliSa112]

Obviously, you are not happy with him at all. Don't fool yourself. I was like that before. Being with an alcoholic is like in the hel_l. You are sick of his alcohilc habits. Let him drink until he drops. That's his life he is ill and has discease. It's hard to cure. No one else can help him besides himself.

You are still young. There are tons of love out there waiting for you. You can't change him the way he is. At the same time, he can't change the way you are either. Both of you are different.

You will be happier with someone who doesn't drink, who likes to be around his lover, who likes to do things together.

It's tough to make a decision at the begining. Once you make it, you'll feel like..you have power in yourself that you can make anything better in life.

The sooner you make a decision , the less frustration you will have.

Good luck

[Carib]

Confront him.

Tell him what you think/feel.

If he doesnot change his ways..leave him.

Sounds simple,but is`nt.

He will maybe change his ways for a while...after confronting him, but if he falls back....Leave him !

[Shotime]

It sounds like he's already left you. Do what's best for you. I wouldn't worry too much about him.

[Sheryl]

Contact Al-Anon. It is a support group for people with a family member or signifiocant other with alcohol problems.:

Al-Anon Meetings in Bangkok

Al-Anon Family Group meetings are twice a week in conference room 2 at Holy Redeemer Rectory,

123/19 Ruam Rudee Soi 5, down the street from Ploenchit Skytrain station.

Every Tuesday 17:00-18:00 (5-6 pm)

Every Saturday 16:30-17:30 (4:30-5:30 pm)

"The only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a friend or relative"

For more information, contact:

Beth, at 081.904.7562

Jane, at 089.826.8527

or email [email protected]

You might also like to check out the Al-Anon wensite www.al-anon.alateen.org

From the sounds of things you are likely to end up leaving him sooner or later. Al-Anon will both help you clear your head and provide you with the support system you need, both now and also when and if you leave him.

[pop_corn]

ummm... how old are you now?

anyways, things to considerate before jumping to the "answer"

any children?

how long have you been together?

have you tried to help him out?

professional help maybe?

I think is not just like "I dont like you this way, I get divorce" without really trying to do all you can to make your marriage survive..

did you?

[thaiclan]

Im not sure if you have children, or plan to in the future. Whenever I get into a dilemma and need courage and guidance I envisage my daughter in the future coming to me for advice with the same problem. What would you say to her?........ It will be the best advice bourne out of your love for her - the kind of love you need to have for youself. Listen to it and proceed.

Good Luck