Dating a good girl.

[TizMe]

Any advise greatly appreciated.

I am currently trying to change a long term friendship with a Thai lady into more than friendship.

We have known each other for a couple of years, she has often called me "her brother", but I want to develop our relashionship into more than "good friends". She is 30, I'm 35.

She is not and has never been a bar girl.

She owns her own business and so doesn't need my money.

She invites (and I accept) to stay in her house, (in the spare room) when I visit.

She has introduced me to her family, but is very evassive when I try to infer that I'm interested in moving our relashionship forward.

She is still married to another guy (Thai) although she has been seperated for 6 years. She has two children, 7 and 9.

I am getting frustrated as I cant tell if she is really interested but just being shy or does she really want me just as a friend?

Any thoughts from some one experienced with middle class Thai ladies?

[chonabot]

IMO the fact that your  friend is a middle class Thai lady has little to do with your predicament.

Granted the fact that she is separated with kids may have some bearing on your difficulty in moving things forward, but tbh it's something only the two of you can decide on.

Good Luck

[Thetyim]

Err, Chonabot, where does it say she is divorced.

She is still married.

Personally I would guess that if she allows you to say at her house then it is game on.

Come on D80 where are you when we need you ?

Give us some words of wisdom this guy needs advise

on a very interesting subject.

[chonabot]

separated = nearly divorced....maybe?

ps I edited the post......who said divorced?

[wilson steer]

Dead easy this one. Ask her straight out; "Would you consider a relationship with me"?

My guess is the answer will be no, because you would have had the come-on by now. Maybe you are not 'rich' enough or maybe she just does not want a falang.

Sometimes you have to just grasp the nettle. I have a Thai female friend who is just a friend who told me the idea of 'going with a falang' made her sick, no matter how handsome or rich!

[D80]

Maybe asking her 'straight out' wouldbe the best option here.

I think she still has her own issues that need sorting out.  First of all, she is still married (albeit only on paper).  She needs to sort that out before she can consider a serious relationship with you).  People will definitely talk if she doesn't do something about that and I'm sure she doesn't want words going around about her seeing you while still legally married.  

The way her husband has treated her before may be an element here.  If he's been rotten towards her, it could be that her hesitation reflects her mistrust towards men in general.  Just a thought from me, nothing more.

Also, I would guess she is worrying about her 2 children as well.  They are still very young and she may not want to start a serious relationship just yet.  Or maybe she worries about how you and her children will get on.  

Most Thais value stability and if this woman is still uncertain about you as a person, it is not surprising that she has not been clear about your relationship.

She may be interested in you but want to get to know you better.  It is not uncommon for middle class Thais to wait for years and years before they get married (a friend of mine has been with her (Thai) boyfriend for 7 years and they are still 'just seeing' each other without having sexual relationship-but that's pretty rare these days).  

I would talk to her and ask her what the deal is.  Tell her that it is just so you know your position and that you mean no disrespect towards her.  I don't think she is hesitating because of your financial status or anything of the sort.  But it could be that she doesn't really think of you that way or unsure about the future with you, especially with 2 kids from her Thai husband.

Hope that helps.

[TizMe]

Thanks for the advice.

I think that maybe she still does have issues of her own that she needs to work out.

I think that it would be a good idea to get her away from her family and her business for a couple of days, so today I asked her if she would like to come to Kula Lumpar with me for a coupe of days.

She jumped at the invite without any hesitation.

I was pleasantly surprised that she accepted the invite and asked her to make the neccessary bookings with the local agent.

She has now done this, and booked on "twin share" basis.

I dont want to put "the hard word" on her and potentially ruin a few days away, so I guess I will play it by ear while we are away and then towards the end ask her straight out what her expectations are.

[chonabot]

This break sounds like a good opportunity to see how things progress , away from other pressures.

Good luck!

[TizMe]

Well folks, I'm now back from K.L and will fill you in about what has happenned.

It turns out that she and her sister have decided that I'm perfect marrage material....... but for the wrong sister.

I spilled the beens and explained exactly how I feel about her, and that although I don't have any specific problem with her sister, I'm not interested in marrying her.

She is now reluctant to move our relashionship forward because she doesn't want her sister to be upset and to think that she stole me from her sister.

After we returned from K.L I wanted her to tell her sister that I'm not interested. (she has to tell her not me, because her english is about as good as my Thai). She was very reluctant to even do this because she didn't want to break her sister's heart. Eventually she agreed to tell her.

I have now asked her many times if there is any chance that we can now move our relashionship forward. Every time I get a different answer. Sometimes she tells me yes, but it will take a long time before we can. Then 10 minutes later she will tell me that she has too many problems and that it would be better if I change my heart and marry her sister instead.

So anyway, I've told her that I wont give up, but that her sister is definately a no go. i guess that I'll just have to wait and see.

[mrentoul]

I have now asked her many times if there is any chance that we can now move our relashionship forward.

I am not an expert on these things, but if she was prepared to flick you on to her sister, then she is probably saving herself for someone else.

That would seem to be the obvious explanation...in which case, she's not interested.

[fox]

Hello Young Lover,

Forget her. If she really loves you, she will follow you to the end of the world. Go and find one who really loves you.

She is out there..... somewhere..... waiting to be found.

Good luck.

[dougrobinson2024]

Forget her. If she really loves you, she will follow you to the end of the world.

I agree too.  

I just believe that, for it to last, it's got to start out strong to stay strong.  If she's acting unsure, gives you "yes" answers one day, then "no" answers the next, if she wants you to go after her sister, if she calls you "her brother"--forget it.  

There are too many other wonderful Thai ladies out there.

"Next"...

Doug

[mowlem]

TO be fair to her, she ain't stupid, nor is she cruel. To me she seems to be saying, "my family approve of you (pretty rare for a farang), you are a nice person, but not for me." I really think she was trying to reject you without hurting you. I think so anyway.

An issue to take on board is, you now have an excellent girlfriend spotter. My female friends feel/expect any gf I have MUST have their prior approval. I even caught them doing background checks on one! Their defence? "You have no family here, we look after you" (BTW some are in their twenties and married, some in their sixties etc.,) Nice to know my new gf ain't married, uses drugs, has boyfriend, worked as a bargirl etc. (i.e. isn't lying to me)

[TizMe]

This is so true. Although she isn't over the moon that I have rejected her sister as a contender, she has told me that she will help me choose "Miss Right".