Not Easy Living With My Wife's Family - Same For You?

[froggshw]

Best suggestion on this topic so far is to "tape it" thats exaclty what I would do facing this situation..buy yourself a little voice activated dictaphone..use it at home..in the car..out for meals with friends.if any bad mouthing relating to you is translated from it...out em...!!

Froggs

[GungaDin]

Seconded, tape them.

[Nampeung]

Hi, I have no idea at all why soooo many of you guys with Thai wives give in and live with her family !!! Is it because you want to please your wife? I would never move in with a spouses family unless I knew them to be super cool and laid back and spoke the same language... in any culture.

I am sorry for Lopburi though I must say as I have been on weekend trips to the relatives and although I speak pretty good Thai there was always another dialect I couldn't get

[thailand_tom]

I have been living with my wife's family for months now in our house. I am able to tolerate the frustrating language problem for the most part, but I can't help but wonder what the heck they are saying amongst themselves. In a previous lengthly relationship with a Thai woman, I later found out she would openly be criticizing and bad-mouthing me, while I was sitting there politely smiling like a stupid fool. I have picked up some of the language but not much yet, so I don't have a clue about what's being said. Any similar experiences?

i made the mistake of letting my wife mother stay in the house i paid for when i threw my brother-in law his wife and kids out of our house..after he stole 30.000 usd from me..my mother in law started complaining about something one day my wife was translating..i told her mother if she opened her mouth again she was the next to go..i really could less anymore..had enough of all of them..i have never meet more lazy..drunk..lying people in my life..my wife tells me everything they say..and they really don't want to hear me and just wait till i can speak thai..just waiting now for her mother to drop dead..will tear down my house and relocate far from her family..don't need it..i should have been living peaceful happy life with my wife..who is a wonder person..been together 12 years..she is 4 years older then me..if you can just throw them out..all of them

[subseasteve]

Alai!!! That is a good one I say that if I think they are talking about me or about something they dont want me to know about.

See how your missus reacts to you wanting to learn Thai, if she doesnt want you to learn then you know what she is all about. But you need to make sure your last experience hasn't made you PARANOID they might wonder why their future son in law doesnt try joke with them and why he always looks at them angrily. Get a bottle of whisky and some soda water and tell the old man to sit and drink with you, have a pen and paper with you so you can draw pictures to comunicate, it will be frustrating but they will love and respect the fact that you are ok with them and making an effort. And you might be surprised you might feel better too.

[thailand_tom]

If possible I would move or they would.

Distance breeds fondness in many cases when it comes to the in laws.

Remember the golden rule "He who has the gold , RULES " , you appear to be a neccessary evil living in 'Their ' house , inlaws belong on the outside where they remain inlaws , move them inside and they become outlaws .

Your wife is or should be the mediator here , forget Thai families ancient way of living , she needs to be on your side and help you by explaining what they are saying to or about you . It is so easy to be smug and just tell you to learn the language , but that may not be practical , some of us are tone deaf which makes it extremely difficult for us to learn Asian languages , in any case , it takes many years for most to learn the language to an extent you can pick up on all their nuances .

Put your foot down with a firm hand , either they move out or you do , be resolute in this or you will drive yourself crazy or become ill , you DO NOT HAVE TO TAKE THEIR BS , niether do you have to furnish them with alternate housing , send them back to the straw hut they came from .

i far as i am reading it its him and his wifes house which he probally paid for..THROW THEM OUT..and do what i'm going to do..move my house as far from her family as possible

[stephaniee]

tom, how does a good ole country thai boy steal 30,000$ from a smart guy like you?

did u keep it under the mattress?

i still cant see y middle class europe guys want to get involved with thailand's less advantaged folk.

Edited September 15, 2008 by stephaniee

[zorro1]

Buy a tape recorder and a HUGE intimidating microphone from the 70's. Place it on the table and explain to them your writing a book about a Farang living with his in laws and your publisher will have it translated . Promise them 50% of the profits once its a best seller. Problem solved

[Wrong Turn]

I have been living with my wife's family for months now in our house. I am able to tolerate the frustrating language problem for the most part, but I can't help but wonder what the heck they are saying amongst themselves. In a previous lengthly relationship with a Thai woman, I later found out she would openly be criticizing and bad-mouthing me, while I was sitting there politely smiling like a stupid fool. I have picked up some of the language but not much yet, so I don't have a clue about what's being said.

1. Start studying Thai language. Study formally.

Any similar experiences?

No. I wold never be in this situation.

[GungaDin]

Why any Westerner would give up their privacy to share a dwelling with people they have absolutely nothing in common with, is beyond comprehension.

[BEENTHEREDONETHAT]

Why any Westerner would give up their privacy to share a dwelling with people they have absolutely nothing in common with, is beyond comprehension.

I think that says it all!

[Soutpeel]

Why any Westerner would give up their privacy to share a dwelling with people they have absolutely nothing in common with, is beyond comprehension.

Suppose a Thai could say the same thing about a Westerner.. ....

Its basically the same anywhere in the world...in-laws and outlaws living together expect problems....

[GungaDin]

Privacy is not an issue for Thais, they live in family groups, it's part of "Thai culture"

[sassienie]

I don’t know what created this situation where the whole family is living in the matrimonial home, but it seems ludicrous to me.

I think the OP is one of those guys who says I love my wife so must do whatever she wishes, the long and suffering, wants sympathy but deep down enjoys the agony because he’s in love and in reality wouldn’t change anything. The type that needs to be dominated, the wife also becomes a sort of substitute mother. The same senario with the fools that give sin-sods on demand or pump cash into worthless relationships in the hope of a fairy tale ending.

I never get involved with people like that or their problems. All rather pathetic.

The logical thing to do is kick the whole lot out, so lets hear the OPs excuses why that`s not possible.

[a2396]

You should get to know your wife's family better. Start by suggesting to your wife that her younger sister sleep with both of you in the same bed.

You might find the family don't want to share the house any more, or if they stay there's a definite "up" side.

Good idea!! Why is he there with them anyway? I assume he has no choice.

[a2396]

I don’t know what created this situation where the whole family is living in the matrimonial home, but it seems ludicrous to me.

I think the OP is one of those guys who says I love my wife so must do whatever she wishes, the long and suffering, wants sympathy but deep down enjoys the agony because he’s in love and in reality wouldn’t change anything. The type that needs to be dominated, the wife also becomes a sort of substitute mother. The same senario with the fools that give sin-sods on demand or pump cash into worthless relationships in the hope of a fairy tale ending.

I never get involved with people like that or their problems. All rather pathetic.

The logical thing to do is kick the whole lot out, so lets hear the OPs excuses why that`s not possible.

Exactly, I am waiting for his reply.

[teacup]

I don’t know what created this situation where the whole family is living in the matrimonial home, but it seems ludicrous to me.

I think the OP is one of those guys who says I love my wife so must do whatever she wishes, the long and suffering, wants sympathy but deep down enjoys the agony because he’s in love and in reality wouldn’t change anything. The type that needs to be dominated, the wife also becomes a sort of substitute mother. The same senario with the fools that give sin-sods on demand or pump cash into worthless relationships in the hope of a fairy tale ending.

I never get involved with people like that or their problems. All rather pathetic.

The logical thing to do is kick the whole lot out, so lets hear the OPs excuses why that`s not possible.

Exactly, I am waiting for his reply.

OK count me in too

[Bung]

You may well have to buy a rai or two about 10-15 mins away, just too far away to walk, and build them a cheap shack to live in there. They will love it and grow you some vegetables. That way the mrs doesn't lose face for not looking after them and after all that is what she is doing. Sounds like you are well up country, a rai should go for 20-40 k baht.

[Soutpeel]

Privacy is not an issue for Thais, they live in family groups, it's part of "Thai culture"

Rather a broad generalisation I think, like saying all french people eat frogs legs..

My Mrs for one (a Thai) likes her privacy, and does start getting p*ssed after a couple of days when the in-laws and out-laws are about and starts gettng pretty vocal with the suggestions that it would be a good time for them to go home..

[LooseCannon]

I don’t know what created this situation where the whole family is living in the matrimonial home, but it seems ludicrous to me.

I think the OP is one of those guys who says I love my wife so must do whatever she wishes, the long and suffering, wants sympathy but deep down enjoys the agony because he’s in love and in reality wouldn’t change anything. The type that needs to be dominated, the wife also becomes a sort of substitute mother. The same senario with the fools that give sin-sods on demand or pump cash into worthless relationships in the hope of a fairy tale ending.

I never get involved with people like that or their problems. All rather pathetic.

The logical thing to do is kick the whole lot out, so lets hear the OPs excuses why that`s not possible.

Not often that I agree with you, but in this case you have summed up the situation very well.

[myauq]

i would say that the best advice so far has been to:

1) spend some time with different family members, trying to get to know them on a one-to-one basis, and;

2) tape record the conversations.

alternativley, if you don't want to go through the hassle of recording and translating, you could bring a farang friend along who can speak and understand thai. when he or she comes to your house, introduce them as if they are someone who has just got off the plane and has never been to thailand before, and thus seemingly knows nothing about the language/culture (i.e. have them keep their shoes on when they come in the house, then make sure your gf's family sees you explaining the cultural differences).

the advantage of this is that, if they are inclined to talk about you on other occassions, they will certainly be more inclined to talk about your friend, being more of a novelty to their thai sensibilities than you. spend an hour or two with them, have your friend listen, then voila - go out afterwards and buy your interpreter friend a few drinks and find out what they were talking about.

btw - if you do this, or even just make the recording, please report back to tv and do tell all

[Wrong Turn]

Why any Westerner would give up their privacy to share a dwelling with people they have absolutely nothing in common with, is beyond comprehension.

I feel the same way GungaDin, does.

We understand how tight the South East Asian families can be. That is why, when a Westerners marries a South East Asia he/she is marrying into the family in many cases.

One remedy for the westerners that want some privacy, and want to avoid family meddling is to keep a geographical distance. Live with your wife, say, 8 hours away.

Some westerners like the situation. But I need some privacy and control. As a westerner, I have the mentality that I am marrying my wife, I'm not marrying her family.

[harrry]

When I lived with my ex wife's family it was probably the best time of my life. Always someone to take my side in an argument...If everyone was against me I would have to be dead wrong. This even applied when she started messing around. Most of them took my side and supported me all the way.

And it wasnt as if I had money I didn' then.

Most of the talking was just village talk...and all in good humor. If everything else is ok don't worry too much. If you need privacy get your own space but if you move your wife away from the family trouble may develop soon.

[mizzi39]

it could be interpreted that you are uncomfortable with the living arrangement that includes the partners family. is there any particular reason you must live with them?

i would suggest otherwise you and spouse live separate from them.

or if thats not an option, enroll in thai language classes. the basics are not that difficult to learn, and see how you get on.

he must live with them coz it all about the baht.

i may be imagining things but this sounds like the classic situation where he married girls family also.

it sounds like he may have to pay for two houses if he want to get rid of wifes family.

so many downsidesto marry upland girls, is it worth it guys?

Oh cynthialee (stephaniee) you big big troll, just go away. You have been banned once already.

Sorry to be off topic, but someone needs to be on troll patrol!

Edited September 15, 2008 by mizzi39

[khunandy]

I wouldn't worry too much about it, it is an easy thing to get paranoid about.

From my experiences Thais will turn a 2 minute conversation into a 20 minute talk-a-thon to fill up a period of time, they love a good yarn and spicing a story up for entertainment value.

Slanderous conversations are kept in low conspiratorial tones with much "lip pointing" and "eye brow raising". It isn't hard to pick up that vibe when it is there. Most of the time when I ask my wife for translation of the local dialect the topic has hardly been riveting.

Look for the body language.

[AmeriThai]

One remedy for the westerners that want some privacy, and want to avoid family meddling is to keep a geographical distance. Live with your wife, say, 8 hours away.

Living at least 8 hours away might work -- 8 hours of flight time.

[khunandy]

Just a few lines about cohabiting with the Thai in-laws.

Before our house was built my wife and I used to stay at her grandmothers place on my visits, this wasn't a hassle and privacy was respected but I found it too close for me. Always been hassled to come a meet and greet etc. I loved the mealtimes when everyone would relax and swap a few stories (wife translating).

When the house was finished I claimed upstairs as a no go area for in-laws, all the socialising is downstairs...this works fine and I can opt in or out of whatever is going on. The constant visits from in-laws started to wane after a few months and now we have a good balance of family, social and private times.

My wife also enjoys "time out'

Edited September 15, 2008 by khunandy

[Maigo6]

Many Farangs are paranoid in Thailand and assume that when Thai people talk in a language they don't understand, then the Thai's must be talking about them.

It must be frustrating for the Thai's also that you can't understand Thai and they can't speak English.

I do know what you mean and understand your predicament, it's difficult at times up country.

The only alternatives are to really try to study the language ( easier said than done! ), or move to an area like Pattaya where many Thai people speak English.

But try not to get too paranoid or you'll find yourself very unhappy and suspicious.

Make a joke out of not understand or speaking Thai, ask your wife to ask Mama if she knows any young women that will work as your personal, full time interpreter.

Good luck.

[bendix]

The OP hasnt returned to this post.

Interesting.

Perhaps his wife has decided he can't use the internet anymore.

[Soutpeel]

But try not to get too paranoid or you'll find yourself very unhappy and suspicious.

A liberal dose of Valium or Prozac may help.....