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[thaifrelst]

Hi everybody.

I am norwegian and will do my best to write in english. A year ago I met a woman in Thailand. We have been together since. She was working at a hotel when I met her. 3 months ago her mother became sick and she had to go and help the family at the farm. In fact I told her to stay with her family a litle longer when her mother became a litle better.

I have been visiting her and the family several times lately, and I have paid all expencis when I have been there.

When I left for going home to my country for work I gave her money so she could take care of herself and the daugther.

The question is since I will not go so often to Thailand as I have done lately:

What would be the reasonable amount of money to send each month? We are talking about a rural district in south part of Issan. I dont have the nerv to ask her, and she is to shy to mention it.

[GuestHouse]

I'm trying to imagine this happening after a holiday in France or Spain - Guy meets girl on holiday in a foreign country and suddenly feels the need to provide her and her family with a steady income stream.

[GungaDin]

thaifrelst what was her monthly take home pay at the hotel?

[a2396]

They will ask for all they can get. I hear about Farangs paying 20-50,000 bht per month for their "ladies". But, that's for a full-time GF. I think these are outrageous amounts, unless you are wealthy & have the money to throw away. If I were you, I would try to determine if your relationship is based on more than money. Does she love you or would she be with you, if you did not give her money? Unfortunately, in my experience here, the answer is usually no.

[GungaDin]

If I could afford it, I would never send more than 5-6000bt a month.

Thais live ok on less than this amount, if she asks for more, bail out.

[Tod]

Let's see: -Mom's medicines: 10'000

-Mom's motorbike accident with chickens from the neighbour: 10'000

-Dad's Honda wave reparation: 10'000

-Daughter's school fee + furnitures: 5'000

-Buffalo's special hemorrhoid cream: 20'000

-reasonable amount of papaya salad + other unexpected expenses: 25'000

Sub total: 80'000baht/month

I think you could start with at least 80'000 per month, but let's say 100'000 just to be sure.

[pongosnodgrass]

To put it into perspective, the average hard-working/ working-class Thai would send 1000 baht, probably no more than 1500 baht home to their parents or spouse and child because he cannot afford to. The rest of his Bangkok salary goes on Bangkok living expenses.

To use your girlfriend's hotel salary as a benchmark would not be helpful because she no longer has Bangkok living expenses. Upcountry, 2,000 baht is more than enough for comfort (there's very little to spend your money on - the doctor's visit is only 100-200 baht) but if you really wanted to, GungaDin's estimate of 5-6,000 baht is more than 'decent' but please, only do this for a few months, at most.

How well do you really know this girl? Be careful you don't get taken advantage of. Most Thais have a huge extended network of relatives, especially upcountry, who can take care of ailing parents. Most Thais in her situation would come back to Bangkok to earn a living to send money back home - for example, the maid at our office came back 3 months after giving birth to her child. You should try to persuade her to do the same. Living on handouts doesn't help her out in the long term - you know the old saying about teaching a man to fish and all that. Perhaps a compromise would be to do it for 2-3 months only but she has to agree to return to work.

btw I'm Thai and I'm a woman.

[Soutpeel]

Living on handouts doesn't help her out in the long term

Good advice for the banks as well...

[Tod Daniels]

I concur with "pongosnodgrass"; most working class thais I know who work/live in Bangkok don't send any more than 1500 baht up country to their family, and that is IF they send any at all. Don't forget, your g/f is living in Nakhon Nowhere Issan and it is dirt CHEAP to live up-country.

If you start handing out money for nothing; you would be amazed at the sheer number of relatives and extended family which can come out of the woodwork once a viable source of "work-free" revenue starts to come into their lives. It is truly pathetic and best avoided at all costs. One poster mentioned 5000 baht, but to me that is just plain over the top for someone who lives in the middle of nowhere up-country. I doubt her salary was more than 5000-7500 baht a month at the hotel for 11 hour work days.

While you don't mention if she stopped working at the hotel after you were 'together', and what if any financial remuneration you provided, that would of course come into play in any extended "sponsorship". Sad her mother was sick, but I think you'd be best served by telling her to get back to Bangkok and go back to work. Save the financial contributions for when you return to visit.

The old adage about the fish and the pole is slightly different here;

"Give a thai a fish, he'll eat for a day, give him a fishing pole, chances are he'll sell it for whiskey and want you to give him a fish for free like you did yesterday."

Good Luck. . ..

[Mattchu9999]

What is reasonable?

Trying to place a numerical value on what is reasonable when charity is involved is an exercise in futility.

When you are performing an act of kindness any amount is reasonable.

Trying to ascertain an amount you should give to allow them to achieve a particular level of comfort is only going to cause you conflict.

I say give what you want, when you want or what you can when you can and don't be concerned with constraining yourself to a numerical value as economic outpatient care can turn into permanent involuntary servitude if the family allows themselves to become dependent on your charity... And then you have found your charity has turned into an obligation that to cease it would lead you right back to where you are now.

I would scrutinize the situation and try and find that fine line between helping them with a problem and heping them into more problems.

[Maizefarmer]

Hi everybody.

I am norwegian and will do my best to write in english. A year ago I met a woman in Thailand. We have been together since. She was working at a hotel when I met her. 3 months ago her mother became sick and she had to go and help the family at the farm. In fact I told her to stay with her family a litle longer when her mother became a litle better.

I have been visiting her and the family several times lately, and I have paid all expencis when I have been there.

When I left for going home to my country for work I gave her money so she could take care of herself and the daugther.

The question is since I will not go so often to Thailand as I have done lately:

What would be the reasonable amount of money to send each month? We are talking about a rural district in south part of Issan. I dont have the nerv to ask her, and she is to shy to mention it.

Why are you sending any money to start with?? Why do you feel you have an obligation to do so - your'e not married or engaged are you? Don;t you find it odd that having lived here (Thailand) all their lives they have no recourse to alternative help in an emergancy?

Yes - I am sceptical, but putting that all aside, a lot of political work over the last 10years has gone into ensuring that the Thai State health system never turns away a citizen on the basis of financial ability. Sure, folk do still fall through the net, but by and large its a good system.

Thats not to knock your generosity or goodwill - by all means help if that is what you wish to do, Thai wages across the board have always been hopelessly low, just that I don't think it would make much difference to the health care she gets.

[jcon]

I'm trying to imagine this happening after a holiday in France or Spain - Guy meets girl on holiday in a foreign country and suddenly feels the need to provide her and her family with a steady income stream.

buffalos are healthier in France and Spain. duh Guesthouse

[GuestHouse]

Trying to ascertain an amount you should give to allow them to achieve a particular level of comfort is only going to cause you conflict.

I really really do not understand where this idea of doling out cash to near strangers comes from.

And as has been noted above, encouraging people to live on handouts is not doing them a favour, it simply creates a dependancy.

Please will someone tell me how this works - they meet a woman on holiday and then all of a sudden they find themselves overcome with the urge to save her and her family from a life that as a foreigner they almost certainly do not understand.

As a good friend of mine pointed out - He married a farmer's daughter, a hardworking family with a well kept farm and a steady, if not large income - sufficient to get their kids through school and university but not sufficient for the luxuaries of life.

Five years of his dishing out money to the family and the farm went to weeds, the fields un tilled, the dikes and drains clogged up, the family sitting infront of their huge new TV with the new HiFi simultaneously blasting out noise and the yard scattered with empty booze bottles.

The road to hel_l is paved with good intentions.

[lifeisrandom]

They will ask for all they can get. I hear about Farangs paying 20-50,000 bht per month for their "ladies". But, that's for a full-time GF. I think these are outrageous amounts, unless you are wealthy & have the money to throw away. If I were you, I would try to determine if your relationship is based on more than money. Does she love you or would she be with you, if you did not give her money? Unfortunately, in my experience here, the answer is usually no.

Are you serious?

[lifeisrandom]

I'm trying to imagine this happening after a holiday in France or Spain - Guy meets girl on holiday in a foreign country and suddenly feels the need to provide her and her family with a steady income stream.

i am guessing most middle aged men don't meet too many girls half their age on holiday in France and Spain

[rick75]

They will ask for all they can get. I hear about Farangs paying 20-50,000 bht per month for their "ladies". But, that's for a full-time GF. I think these are outrageous amounts, unless you are wealthy & have the money to throw away. If I were you, I would try to determine if your relationship is based on more than money. Does she love you or would she be with you, if you did not give her money? Unfortunately, in my experience here, the answer is usually no.

Are you serious?

Yeh He is serious a friend of a friend met a bar girl, he goes back home and she promises to stay out of the bars he sends her $200au a week, after a short period of time She ramps up Her demands to $500au a week he happily pays, he marries the Lady and spends maybe $15000au on dowry and wedding and at no time do alarm bells ring in his mind.

As it has been put before it is the Knight in shining armour complex, the poor girl needs saving, so in steps the Farang.

I can understand helping out in small ways, but giving over hundreds of thousands of thai Baht, wake up.

[Soutpeel]

They will ask for all they can get. I hear about Farangs paying 20-50,000 bht per month for their "ladies". But, that's for a full-time GF. I think these are outrageous amounts, unless you are wealthy & have the money to throw away. If I were you, I would try to determine if your relationship is based on more than money. Does she love you or would she be with you, if you did not give her money? Unfortunately, in my experience here, the answer is usually no.

And this is because ???......the big head stops working as the little head has taken over...

[Tod]

They will ask for all they can get. I hear about Farangs paying 20-50,000 bht per month for their "ladies". But, that's for a full-time GF. I think these are outrageous amounts, unless you are wealthy & have the money to throw away. If I were you, I would try to determine if your relationship is based on more than money. Does she love you or would she be with you, if you did not give her money? Unfortunately, in my experience here, the answer is usually no.

Are you serious?

Yeh He is serious a friend of a friend met a bar girl, he goes back home and she promises to stay out of the bars he sends her $200au a week, after a short period of time She ramps up Her demands to $500au a week he happily pays, he marries the Lady and spends maybe $15000au on dowry and wedding and at no time do alarm bells ring in his mind.

WOW that's crazy...Never heard a story like that in Thailand, not the style of bargirls to do such things.

Maybe your friend should write a book about his exceptionnal misadventure

[rick75]

I was not implying it is a unique situation, just adding "another example"

[GungaDin]

Yeh He is serious a friend of a friend met a bar girl, he goes back home and she promises to stay out of the bars he sends her $200au a week, after a short period of time She ramps up Her demands to $500au a week he happily pays, he marries the Lady and spends maybe $15000au on dowry and wedding and at no time do alarm bells ring in his mind.

How old was your friend and what is his situation now?

or can I guess!

[rick75]

He is in his late forties she is maybe 10 years younger and it is still a car crash in motion.

[Shotime]

I was not implying it is a unique situation, just adding "another example"

I think that, maybe, the OP is a Thai female that is trying to implant the idea that sending money to a relative stranger is a cultural thing, in our heads. The big one, I mean.

I especially liked the shy part. It's so typical Thai female talk. That's what gave it away to me.

Edited October 26, 2008 by Shotime

[a2396]

They will ask for all they can get. I hear about Farangs paying 20-50,000 bht per month for their "ladies". But, that's for a full-time GF. I think these are outrageous amounts, unless you are wealthy & have the money to throw away. If I were you, I would try to determine if your relationship is based on more than money. Does she love you or would she be with you, if you did not give her money? Unfortunately, in my experience here, the answer is usually no.

And this is because ???......the big head stops working as the little head has taken over...

This is partly true, however there are apparently a goodly number of "generous gents" around who are throwing to much money at these women. The women have come to expect this, especially out of a Farang. My current GF has a lady friend, who she says is getting 50,000 bht per mo from a rich Thai. I have a personal friend, who is married to a Thai women & he gives her 20,000 + numerous other incidentals. My GF claims she turned down 20,000 per mo (from a Thai), because she did not like the guy. I suppose this was for some sort of mia-noi arrangement, which is what her freind does for 50K. These are not Bangkok top shelf models, although they are young & pretty. I have yet to see one woman, who I have been serious enough with to consider a relationship, who did not ask for or expect money. ...and, for the age police out there, I have seen attractive thirty something Farang guys hit up for cash in the same manner, with the same frequency.

[pongosnodgrass]

I think that, maybe, the OP is a Thai female that is trying to implant the idea that sending money to a relative stranger is a cultural thing, in our heads. The big one, I mean.

I especially liked the shy part. It's so typical Thai female talk. That's what gave it away to me.

I have yet to see one woman, who I have been serious enough with to consider a relationship, who did not ask for or expect money.

What a misogynistic, sweeping generalization of Thai women!

I know plenty of beautiful, intelligent Thai career women who earn salaries of over 200,000 baht and well into the 400,000's who don't need your money. They're prepared to work at a living. Funnier still, I know plenty who earn far less than that who also wouldn't. Just like back home, you have to look at the company you keep.

[GayGordon]

Excuse my ignorance but is this like some sort of rental agreement, whereby if you default the deal is off ..dosent sound very fair or loving to me, regards, Gordon,.

[GayGordon]

Trying to ascertain an amount you should give to allow them to achieve a particular level of comfort is only going to cause you conflict.

I really really do not understand where this idea of doling out cash to near strangers comes from.

And as has been noted above, encouraging people to live on handouts is not doing them a favour, it simply creates a dependancy.

Please will someone tell me how this works - they meet a woman on holiday and then all of a sudden they find themselves overcome with the urge to save her and her family from a life that as a foreigner they almost certainly do not understand.

As a good friend of mine pointed out - He married a farmer's daughter, a hardworking family with a well kept farm and a steady, if not large income - sufficient to get their kids through school and university but not sufficient for the luxuaries of life.

Five years of his dishing out money to the family and the farm went to weeds, the fields un tilled, the dikes and drains clogged up, the family sitting infront of their huge new TV with the new HiFi simultaneously blasting out noise and the yard scattered with empty booze bottles.

The road to hel_l is paved with good intentions.

I agree Mr Guest House,i think showering these poor families with money is doing them a grave injustice and ruining there culture,Kind to be cruel im afraid,, regards, Gordon,.

[a2396]

I think that, maybe, the OP is a Thai female that is trying to implant the idea that sending money to a relative stranger is a cultural thing, in our heads. The big one, I mean.

I especially liked the shy part. It's so typical Thai female talk. That's what gave it away to me.

I have yet to see one woman, who I have been serious enough with to consider a relationship, who did not ask for or expect money.

What a misogynistic, sweeping generalization of Thai women!

I know plenty of beautiful, intelligent Thai career women who earn salaries of over 200,000 baht and well into the 400,000's who don't need your money. They're prepared to work at a living. Funnier still, I know plenty who earn far less than that who also wouldn't. Just like back home, you have to look at the company you keep.

It's not a generalization. I have just stated truthfully about the women I have met here and I do NOT do my chosing from the bars & parlors. The big earner high-so women you talk you talk about have little or no interest in getting involved with a foreign man. They don't need them & if they are earning 400,000, they are likely older & already married to a Thai. I have NEVER met such a catagory of eligible women where I live.

[Shotime]

You're right. I should have been more specific in my misogynistic, sweeping generalization of Thai women, and said commercial sex worker.

Edited October 26, 2008 by Shotime

[benjamat]

Trying to ascertain an amount you should give to allow them to achieve a particular level of comfort is only going to cause you conflict.

I really really do not understand where this idea of doling out cash to near strangers comes from.

And as has been noted above, encouraging people to live on handouts is not doing them a favour, it simply creates a dependancy.

Please will someone tell me how this works - they meet a woman on holiday and then all of a sudden they find themselves overcome with the urge to save her and her family from a life that as a foreigner they almost certainly do not understand.

As a good friend of mine pointed out - He married a farmer's daughter, a hardworking family with a well kept farm and a steady, if not large income - sufficient to get their kids through school and university but not sufficient for the luxuaries of life.

Five years of his dishing out money to the family and the farm went to weeds, the fields un tilled, the dikes and drains clogged up, the family sitting infront of their huge new TV with the new HiFi simultaneously blasting out noise and the yard scattered with empty booze bottles.

The road to hel_l is paved with good intentions.

Very much agree with above.

Did she ask for money? If she did not ask then why are you giving it to her, "you want to buy her?"

To some extent it is an insult to use your financial status to present yourself as more able or capable.

I know that many times farangs throw money around on girls in the beginning when they meet, lets tell this as it is, it is a straightforward attempt to coerce by using money. After when the girls start to use some coercion themselves you find this forum full of desparaging remarks.

A little less self deception would be a good thing. The vast majority of farangs who come to thailand want younger and more attractive women and in spite of all the twaddle about white skin and the like, money is what achieves this end.

[G54]

I think that, maybe, the OP is a Thai female that is trying to implant the idea that sending money to a relative stranger is a cultural thing, in our heads. The big one, I mean.

I especially liked the shy part. It's so typical Thai female talk. That's what gave it away to me.

I have yet to see one woman, who I have been serious enough with to consider a relationship, who did not ask for or expect money.

What a misogynistic, sweeping generalization of Thai women!

I know plenty of beautiful, intelligent Thai career women who earn salaries of over 200,000 baht and well into the 400,000's who don't need your money. They're prepared to work at a living. Funnier still, I know plenty who earn far less than that who also wouldn't. Just like back home, you have to look at the company you keep.

Are not both of you correct?

There are many men In Pattaya, and other places too, I suspect, that are paying 20,000 + a month to keep their pretty little things and if they do not pay, they lose them.

On the other hand my g/f works in a cousins shop. She earns 5K a month and despises other ladies who do not work for a living and more so, despises those who live on hand-outs. When I try to give her more than 100 baht a time, she hands the rest back and asks why would she want it?

Two sides of the coin. Yet, I feel it is those who dole out 1,000's to keep their ladies that are making the mistake, especially when there are many beautiful ladies out there who are happy for a small helping hand, financially speaking.