Met A Lovely Man...

[nephron]

I was in Thailand for my dad's wedding (to a much younger Thai woman, oh the cliche), and while I was there I met an absolutely lovely man. Unfortunately, there's quite a language barrier but I am quite quickly learning Thai.

I wouldn't be quite so enthusiastic about leaping into this if he weren't a friend of my new family. Even my father's new wife (who claims not to like Thai men because they are all "butterflies") thinks he's a lovely although rather quiet and shy man.

I left Bangkok a week ago and I've promised to keep in touch... but communicating on the phone is difficult 'cause you can't rely on body language as much...

What sort of things should I be aware of when entering into this sort of relationship? I am fairly certain that he'd not try to hurt me (or anyone, really) but I don't want cultural misunderstandings to cause huge hurts.

Any help is appreciated,

Quail.

[donna]

I think you should just exercise the same caution you would with any guy at home.

The language barrier CAN cause problems, as I found out from experience. I speak reasonable Thai, but learning to express all of your emotions is really difficult. Also, if you want to have any deep and meaningful conversations, it makes it a bit hard at times. But, if you really like this guy and think that it is worth it, then GO FOR IT! Learn the language and practice it at every opportunity you have.

Not all Thai men are butterflies. I was involved with one guy who was a real prick. He cheated on me and was really horrible. But then I met a lovely man. Treated me like a princess and would do anything for me.

I ended up breaking off with the second one for a few reasons. One of them was that he expected me to make all the decisions in the relationship. I think that a relationship is a partnership and decisions should be made together. He wanted everything I wanted, which to some may seem like a dream, but he didn't oppose anything at all, which made me think that he couldn't think for himself. He didn't have much ambition so if we were together and I became pregnant and had to stop work, we would struggle. There were many other reasons such as our views on raising children and such, but ultimately he is a gem of a man and would make some lucky girl very happy. I speak to him often and we are good friends but that's about as much as it will be now.

I'm not telling you this to offload my story and have you feel that this is the way it will be for you, but just sharing with you the things that can come up.

Get to know him as best you can and remember that any relationship is a two way street. He should be accepting some responsibility too and it should not always be you doing the calling. Let him call you sometimes too. Is he learning to speak English? Time will tell you whether he is a good man or not.

You only live once. I think that too many of us 'think too much' (to quote 60 million Thais) and don't live for the moment. If you feel good about it today, then why think about problems that MIGHT occur tomorrow?

Good luck and let us know how it is going.

[SK1972]

Any Asian man, may it be Thai or other Asian ethnic groups.....are similar to any other man in the world.

There are some who are very narrow minded, male chauvanistic and think that they are superior over women (duh!!)

There are some lovely sensitive ones...

There are also others who are real cheaters!

Some Thai men are known to be "brothel frequenters" and have "mia nois" (little wives)..and some are not. This is part of their "culture". There was an incident in the parliament where one minister wanted to abolish this "culture" and he was bombarded with angry statements e.g. "this is our right!".

Maybe thats why some Thai women prefer farang men

BEFORE i GET SLATED FOR THIS, I am not saying all Thai men are bad....but as per every relationship, everyone is "nice" in the beginning/initial stage.

I think you should just exercise the same caution you would with any guy at home.

I think Donna is right...more so when you are having a long distance relationship and you have only met him ONCE (during your visit here). Doesnt really tell you a lot about him.

Good luck!

Edited December 21, 2004 by SK1972

[Jai Noi]

Even my father's new wife (who claims not to like Thai men because they are all "butterflies")

Quail.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Being butterfly is fun sometime.

[The Gentleman Scamp]

I wish you both happiness and sucess in the new year.

Enjoy your adventures, climb the language barrier and have a kiss when you get to the top.

[donna]

Ahhh, Scampy. So sweet!

[wichap]

Well, how i can say?

First of all, working on Thai language is only way for long term relationship. And absolutely, he won't make fun of you about your Thai speaking. Second, try to find some Thai friends in your country and then practice your Thai with them .Moreover, you might ask them about what Thai guys think.

For the quick solution, you can chat with him via internet with Web came so your body language.

Just make sure that you know what Thai guys are; basiclly, we are a little bit shy for foreigner girls. Sometimes, we don't actually prefer girls to think or do something too aggressively, just culture.

Have fun and welcome to Thailand.

Thai student in US.

[nephron]

I think you should just exercise the same caution you would with any guy at home. 

The language barrier CAN cause problems, as I found out from experience.  I speak reasonable Thai, but learning to express all of your emotions is really difficult.  Also, if you want to have any deep and meaningful conversations, it makes it a bit hard at times.  But, if you really like this guy and think that it is worth it, then GO FOR IT!  Learn the language and practice it at every opportunity you have. 

Not all Thai men are butterflies.  I was involved with one guy who was a real prick.  He cheated on me and was really horrible.  But then I met a lovely man.  Treated me like a princess and would do anything for me. 

I ended up breaking off with the second one for a few reasons.  One of them was that he expected me to make all the decisions in the relationship.  I think that a relationship is a partnership and decisions should be made together.  He wanted everything I wanted, which to some may seem like a dream, but he didn't oppose anything at all, which made me think that he couldn't think for himself.  He didn't have much ambition so if we were together and I became pregnant and had to stop work, we would struggle.  There were many other reasons such as our views on raising children and such, but ultimately he is a gem of a man and would make some lucky girl very happy.  I speak to him often and we are good friends but that's about as much as it will be now. 

I'm not telling you this to offload my story and have you feel that this is the way it will be for you, but just sharing with you the things that can come up. 

Get to know him as best you can and remember that any relationship is a two way street.  He should be accepting some responsibility too and it should not always be you doing the calling.  Let him call you sometimes too.  Is he learning to speak English?  Time will tell you whether he is a good man or not. 

You only live once.  I think that too many of us 'think too much' (to quote 60 million Thais) and don't live for the moment.  If you feel good about it today, then why think about problems that MIGHT occur tomorrow? 

Good luck and let us know how it is going.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I don't so much want to dwell on possible problems but identify them and prevent them becoming serious. Never something that I've been good at

[nephron]

I think it'll be OK. I know not all Thai men are butterflies but what I was trying to say (I think) was that even my dad's wife who believes that doesn't believe it of this man.

She was trying to push for the relationship, actually Definitely I don't feel that he would be mocking of my lack of Thai, although when we try to talk it requires much dictionary use and often using the wrong words until we figure out what we mean.

Maybe I'm just being clucky but I think one of the things I really did like about him was how he interacted with his nephew. I think that told me more about him than any of the talking *we* did.

[donna]

Go for it then. You are going into this eyes wide open, and your fathers wife should be a good judge of character. She chose your dad, after all!

I hope it all goes well for you.

[nephron]

Go for it then.  You are going into this eyes wide open, and your fathers wife should be a good judge of character.  She chose your dad, after all! 

I hope it all goes well for you.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Oh, I dunno. I think I prefer her to my dad. Bizarre but true...

[bakswanna]

There will always be things that we do not understand and find very difficult or impossible to accept about Thai men--such as mia-nois, the fact that many Thai men could be considered alcoholics, that they are wonderful liars, that they will often choose to be with their friends more than their girlfriends/wives, that they don't show physical affection often and when you request, you are often met with funny looks or even worse, a turn of the cheek.

But we all know this before a relationship, don't we? We know that Thai men have awful reputations about the way they treat women in relationships. But we also know that Then men have really good things about them as well--a sense of responsibility to his partner, that they can be funny and playful and sincere and loving, even if it isn't always in the same way we expect. Might I add, good looking??! If Thai men were really as bad as we complain that they are (and I admit, I am a huge complainer about them at times), then we, farang women, wouldn't even consider a relationship with them.

I just married my Thai boyfriend about two weeks ago, and throughout our relationship, there have been a million problems and a million and a half things that we both have had to change for eachother--even though it always seems that someone changes themselves to adapt a little more. But the point is, if a person is serious about you, he will change for you, just as you must do for him, no matter what nationality he is, or the amount of cultural differences that you come across. Men are men, and relationships are relationships, no matter who is involved.

So, if you are serious about this guy, if you are willing to put yourself and/or your heart on the line, then go for it. If nothing else, atleast you can consider it a new experience and a new story to tell.

Good luck

[elfe]

great post bakswanna

welcome to the forum!

[thailotus]

I have been reading so many posts about Thai men and some of them seem downright scary. Does that mean all Thai men are drinkers, womanisers etc? It seems like such a gross generalisation. And does this apply to Thais of Chinese descent?

[lukamar]

Does that mean all Thai men are drinkers, womanisers etc? 

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

All Thai women in our family can drink the men under the table, except my wife and I because we do not drink. I think that it is safe to say Thai people drink quite a lot and quite heavily. I have not spent a lot of extended time in LOS but what i have seen in the north this is the situation. As for womanizers i can't comment but every little town has a brothel so you can draw your own conclusions about monogomy. Often I'm the only Farang in town so they didn't build it for the tourist trade.

[donna]

Not all Thai men are drinkers an womanisers. I have some fantastic Thai male friends, and they are certainly NOT like that.

It's the same with any nationality. You get your good ones, and you get your bad ones. You just have to be picky. Same in your own country. You wouldn't put up with it from a bloke from your own country, so why put up with it from someone just because he is Thai?

Nah. They're not all like that.

[thailotus]

Thank you Donna. That makes me feel much better.

I am Asian but this is my first foray into Thai culture and I have no idea so I am just picking up things from this forum and I just sensed that a lot of it is quite negative but I just couldn't imagine every man acting irresponsibly.

Thanks again!

[sbk]

Donna's absolutely right. There are plenty of bad ones, but then there are plenty of good ones too. Just as in my country and every other country for that matter.

My husband is a lovely man (and I still say this after 15 years of marriage) who doesn't drink, doesn't gamble and doesn't cheat. Many of his cousins are the same.

Thai, Thai Chinese, Thai Muslim, depends on the family and their values.

[thailotus]

Donna's absolutely right. There are plenty of bad ones, but then there are plenty of good ones too. Just as in my country and every other country for that matter.

My husband is a lovely man (and I still say this after 15 years of marriage) who doesn't drink, doesn't gamble and doesn't cheat. Many of his cousins are the same.

Thai, Thai Chinese, Thai Muslim, depends on the family and their values.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Thank you SBK. I've been reading quite a few of your posts (which have made a lot of sense).

I've fallen in love with a Thai man but as I stated before, I am not familiar with the culture. All I know is that they (the Thai people I have had to the fortune to meet) seem so sweet and gentle and very caring. Of course, this extends to my beloved!

I am reading as much as I can (books, documentaries and the net). The only depressing thing that keeps popping up is the seedy side of Thai life which appears to permeate throughout everything I find. However, that has and will not deter me from being with my special one as like your husband, he's different and is very sensible, well educated and responsible.

Thank you again!

[bakswanna]

And does this apply to Thais of Chinese descent?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I was with in one other serious relationship before my husband, and that was with a Chinese Thai. He was the worst womanizer I have ever met in my life, but, intrestingly enough, he had spent over 7 years in England. Hmmm.......

[seville]

Hey SBK, any of your husbands cousins single? Hee hee

I just had to jump in to say how sad it is that a lot on Thai Culture, written by westerners, do bring up a lot of negativity. I think you have to look at things as being what is accepted and not take it as good or bad.

The idea of a mia noi has been in the culture for a very long time, but it is my understanding that only a very wealthy man would take on a second wife, because it was only accepted if he could afford to take care of both his wives.

I personally would never tolerate my husband, if I had one, having a girlfriend, but many women in many cultures just don't care.

I have a young Thai friend, who has many girlfriends and he's married to a Thai girl. He provides for his family and is just a happy go lucky guy. His wife knows he's a butterfly and she is fine with it, from what I understand. He tends to get involved with Farang girls on holiday, always uses protection and has told all the girls I've known him to be with that he is married.

I also have Thai friends that would have ###### to pay if they ever cheated on their wives.

I think the long distance thing is easier if you just take it slow and establish that you just want your partner to be honest with you. I've had a few long distance realationships and just tried to explain to them that if they see other women to please tell me about them and that if I was seeing other men, that I would do the same.

Holiday romance is sweet and you can make it into anything you want. It's the day in, day out stuff that is what makes or break relationships.

Good luck to you Thailotus

[donna]

Ditto, seville.

SBK. Any of the cousins single?

I reckon you could make yourself some SERIOUS money here! And being from the south (I think you are, right?) they may be tall too. Woohoo.

Merry Christmas ladies. I've had chicken and Bollinger Champagne this morning. Fantastic, and a lovely treat from Duty Free. Mmmmm.....

[sbk]

Sorry girls, unfortunately Thai girls are quite smart this way and snap up the good ones early on. The only way I managed to snag my husband was because he was quite young! (I was 23 , he was 21)

Anyway, I think your step-mom's recommendation should count for quite a bit. If he were awful it would surely create problems in her life as well as yours. Take it slow, as you would as if you were at home but if the attraction is there why not give it a shot? You never know until you try. If I had turned away from the attraction my husband and I felt for each other where would I be now? Certainly not here!!

[nephron]

He drinks a bit but it doesn't really bother me, I drink a bit too so it's not one-sided or anything. All his family are very kind and loving and giving people, but also likely to suddenly decide to drag the whole tribe off to party. Or to go up to Kampang Phet (spelling?) to help one of the sisters with her tiling. Or something.

I think I can handle this, I didn't grow up in a particularly ordered family or anything so I don't think that any more chaos is going to be a problem. Even if he had other girlfriends... as long as he came *back* I wouldn't be particularly concerned. But I don't think he's that type.

He's just turned 20, so he's pretty young. I'm about to turn 21, so I am too. I don't know if any of these things are likely to be more of a problem later on, but right now...*shrug*

He's certainly no worse a drinker partier and womaniser than the guys here

[kreon]

I think it'll be OK.  I know not all Thai men are butterflies but what I was trying to say (I think) was that even my dad's wife who believes that doesn't believe it of this man.

She was trying to push for the relationship, actually   Definitely I don't feel that he would be mocking of my lack of Thai, although when we try to talk it requires much dictionary use and often using the wrong words until we figure out what we mean.

Maybe I'm just being clucky but I think one of the things I really did like about him was how he interacted with his nephew.  I think that told me more about him than any of the talking *we* did.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

no worries love, you get through with it

we, man have the same problem with the gals...however it does sometimes work out in the most mysterious oriental ways

[naomisri]

I think it's quite easy to generalise, but really time is the only thing that will tell you what you will be like together - how you will fit together and how you will deal with problems or hurdles that you have to get over. Everyone reacts in different ways to things and whether you are a good judge of character or not I think it is foolish to say going into a relationship with anyone that you know how they will act. All you can do is see how it goes! Hate to say it, but it's true. Trust is earnt in my opinion not so much automatically given 100%.

When I first met my Thai husband I must admit I had doubts, much less about him as a person, but due to what I had heard generally - don't take this too much to heart. He treats me like an angel and knows what I will and won't accept and vice-versa. I couldn't imagine being without him now! Just know what you're prepared to accept (be fair!) and make it clear, then you watch and see how he reacts!

Good luck, I hope you have much sanuk (fun) together - that's what really keeps you going!!

[nephron]

Eeek, I'm 21!

Learning Thai (slowly) and we'll see how things go

[janeny]

Eeek, I'm 21!

Learning Thai (slowly) and we'll see how things go

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Happy Birthday and Belated Sawadee P'mai