Tips For Driving In Thailand

[warfie]

Tips for Driving in Thailand

This began as serious advice for a visiting friend, somehow it became satire.

1. EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED!!!
   a) That motorcycle on the left IS going to turn right... the rider will not indicate and will only look AFTER starting the turn...
   Around the next blind bend / over the next crest IS a truck overtaking on your side of the road...
   c) Or maybe that driver is cutting the corner because that's just how it's done here...
   
2. To confuse Thai drivers, try using your indicators.
   

Indicators are to be viewed with scepticism, the driver / rider may be indicating which way s/he is going to turn, which side you should overtake on, which direction s/he came from or maybe they're on by accident and s/he just doesn't know how to cancel them.

1. A Thai driver's licence requires a medical certificate; one of the tests is for basic colour blindness, presumably so you'll know what to do at traffic lights. E.g.
   a) Green = go
   Yellow = go
   c) Red = tailgate the car in front and... go
   

An alternative interpretation of signal colours from a Thai friend.

a) Green = fast

Yellow = faster

c) Red = fastest

1. To annoy Thai drivers, stop at red lights and stop signs.
   
2. Thais drive on the left of the road... Mostly...
   
3. "Lane" is water falling from the sky. The lines on the road are purely for decoration and can be ignored...
   

1. There exists a mysterious area to the left of the main flow of traffic where road rules, common sense and the laws of space-time appear to be absent. In this area you may travel as fast or as slow as you wish, in whatever direction you wish, or just stop and talk on your mobile phone.
   
2. Speeding is an offence in Thailand, but just what speed should you be doing? There are few (if any) signs, so pick a random number and double it... or quarter it... it depends how you feel at the time...
   
3. Driving Under the Influence (Drink Driving) is also an offence, but the Thais have a unique way of circumventing detection... everyone drives as if they are drunk, weaving, swerving, stopping for no apparent reason etc... so that the police don't notice who is really drunk...
   
4. The only requirement for riding a motorcycle seems to be a literacy test, if you can write a suicide note, you're allowed to ride.
   
5. Popular motorcycles in Thailand are electric start 110cc four-stroke automatics, they need to be automatic or at least have an automatic clutch so the drunken 14 year old can talk or her mobile phone while weaving through traffic with her two friends (sitting side-saddle) and a scared little dog on the back.
   
6. When riding a motorcycle in the rain (or hot sunshine) many riders employ an umbrella for protection... if your mobile phone rings at the same time, have your passenger hold the umbrella for you.
   
7. Motorcycles are used for everything. Often fitted with an outrigger (An entire fast food store can be attached to the side of a motorcycle) and/or a trailer (a 2 wheeled cart drawn via the rider or passenger sitting on the handle). These machines have a carrying capacity limited only by the imagination. Also you may see a family of four aboard a single motorcycle, and it's likely piloted by the 9year-old sitting on her mother's lap.
   APPROACH MOTORCYCLES WITH CAUTION... (see points 1- 3, 5, 7, 8, 10, 11, Etc...)
   
8. When approaching an intersection it's important to be sure of who has right-of-way, there seem to be differing schools of thought, but generally it's the largest vehicle, although the most expensive vehicle is often given preference, however, the most widely accepted rule is that the driver with the largest "balls" takes right-of-way...
   

1. Avoiding accidents, when a situation presents itself;
   a) Sound your horn and/or flash your lights
   Sound your horn and/or flash your lights
   c) Swerve
   d) Accelerate
   e) Pray
   f) Sound your horn and/or flash your lights
   g) Trust that luck (or Buddha) will resolve the situation before it affects you
   h) As a last resort, if all of the above fail and you have absolutely no other choice you might try that 'other' pedal on the floor... the one to the left of the accelerator.
   
2. Road signs in Thailand follow international convention, being in both Thai and English... mostly... also recognised in Thailand is the universal international single digit salute...
   
3. Please use courtesy when parking... leave your car in neutral with the handbrake off so that the driver of the car you double parked over can push your car away to get out...
   
4. The Glacier Technique:
   Situation: you're in a side street trying to turn into a major road and the flow of traffic is endless... you can't get a break...
   Solution: edge forward an inch at a time, eventually the cars will have to curve a little get around you, keep edging forward, eventually a car will stop, because the driver has no choice.... After that, you may go... this also works for changing lanes and merging. (Btw; nobody will blast their horn or even give you a dirty look as you do this as it is considered normal... but you WILL get blasted from behind if you don't do it).
   
5. Taxis are cheap and plentiful; the driver may even speak English.
   Important! While riding in a taxi be sure to look at your hands, your feet, the floor... or anything except the road ahead... it's just better if you don't know (see point 14, 15, ...).
   
6. Safety belts are required for the driver and front seat passenger, but not for the rear seat passengers, probably because the rear seat passengers bodies are likely to still be there after an accident, whereas the bodies of the occupants of the front seats are likely to be much harder to find... safety belts save the ambulance bearers time...
   

Part II: Tips for Driving in Bangkok

1. DON'T!
   

<-- I don't know why the numbering keeps restarting, it didn't in the preview... sorry -->

Edited January 5, 2009 by warfie

[sbk]

Personally, I think this should be taken out of the Jokes section and pinned in the motoring section as essential tips for drivers in Thailand

[warfie]

Personally, I think this should be taken out of the Jokes section and pinned in the motoring section as essential tips for drivers in Thailand

I was in a quandary about where to post it...

[mr_hippo]

Personally, I think this should be taken out of the Jokes section and pinned in the motoring section as essential tips for drivers in Thailand

I was in a quandary about where to post it...

If you want to know where to post it, I can help - three letter word beginning with 'b', ending in 'n' and the second letter is 'i'.

[warfie]

Personally, I think this should be taken out of the Jokes section and pinned in the motoring section as essential tips for drivers in Thailand

I was in a quandary about where to post it...

If you want to know where to post it, I can help - three letter word beginning with 'b', ending in 'n' and the second letter is 'i'.

What an odd response... if you don't like it I'll happily refund double what you paid if you don't like it Mr. Hippo, don't read it... move on... read the next one... (duh)

Abraham Lincoln once said that "You can please some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can't please all of the people all of the time"

By the way, was your reply, your attempt at being witty?

[Tinkelbell]

I find 'Warfie' - the opening post is very funny and so true. This is exactly most Thai drivers have been doing for ages.

The very first time when I saw my Thai lady friend ( she is a TU professor, mind you) got off from her car, went straight to push another front car to make more room so our car could park behind it. That happened many many years ago, I still find it amusing. Now I found myself joining her pushing the front car too often. TIT ?

Agree with 'sbk', it should also be posted on 'Motor Forum" for all of us here in TV who're doing a lot of driving in LOS. You would learn a great deal from this post.

[Boater]

very good and very true

[barky]

Great post warfie. On the one hand I found it funny. On the other, however, it highlighted the reality.

Personally, I don't really care how many Thais kill themselves on the roads each year do to their stupidity, selfishness, irressponsibility, and arrognace as drivers. As long as I, or my loved ones or friends are not victims of the " system" .

[goonfan]

A few months ago I decided to treat my Thai girlfriend to two weeks of driving lessons. She can drive a bike (who can't over here) but had never driven a car. Mid way through her second week she paid 4,000 baht and got a full licence rather than take a test. She then finished her driving course. And some people wonder why there are so many bad drivers!! Needless to say she is still "learning"

[Boater]

when i took my test, 75 % of the drivers could not even pass the first test of Braking !!!!!! ..... was a joke....

[peter991]

So true. It's scary enough being a PASSENGER in a vehicle (pick-up, taxi or motor-cycle) in Thailand. I have only ridden a push-bike to the carner shop in Issan and nearly collided with the cows coming home at 5.30pm.

Peter

[AsiaCheese]

Is there a section called "Absolute Essentials"? That's where this should be posted. Brilliant!!

[khaowong1]

Perfectly brillant

[warfie]

I think the funniest part is that it honestly just began as a list of things I thought I should tell my friend...

[rijb]

Like all good humor, there is much truth in your post. I enjoyed it.

[BigSnake]

Drive a big truck(ten wheeler if possible) LOUD Horn and be prepared to FLEE the SCENE if some UNlucky sole cannot get out of your way and you crash.

[neverdie]

WARFIE,

I've told you before.....you are a good writer, very funny post , thanks for the entertainment!

[Tinkelbell]

An American comedian ( Phillis Diller ?) once said..." Comedy is Tragedy".

I agree.

Considering the ways Thais drive in this country. Most outsiders ( like us- expats) looking in, would find it's quite amazing and sometimes even funny. But the result always end in serious injuries or fatality - that's tragedy.

I used to drive in BKK ( born and raised here on Soi Prasarnmit= Suk. 23) for many many years before moving to overseas, and I'm still an active driver , but wouldn't' dare to do that in LOs, it's alredy too scarry just being a passenger.

[deanoEFC]

Tips for Driving in Thailand

This began as serious advice for a visiting friend, somehow it became satire.

1. EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED!!!
   a) That motorcycle on the left IS going to turn right... the rider will not indicate and will only look AFTER starting the turn...
   Around the next blind bend / over the next crest IS a truck overtaking on your side of the road...
   c) Or maybe that driver is cutting the corner because that's just how it's done here...
   
2. To confuse Thai drivers, try using your indicators.
   

Indicators are to be viewed with scepticism, the driver / rider may be indicating which way s/he is going to turn, which side you should overtake on, which direction s/he came from or maybe they're on by accident and s/he just doesn't know how to cancel them.

1. A Thai driver's licence requires a medical certificate; one of the tests is for basic colour blindness, presumably so you'll know what to do at traffic lights. E.g.
   a) Green = go
   Yellow = go
   c) Red = tailgate the car in front and... go
   

An alternative interpretation of signal colours from a Thai friend.

a) Green = fast

Yellow = faster

c) Red = fastest

1. To annoy Thai drivers, stop at red lights and stop signs.
   
2. Thais drive on the left of the road... Mostly...
   
3. "Lane" is water falling from the sky. The lines on the road are purely for decoration and can be ignored...
   

1. There exists a mysterious area to the left of the main flow of traffic where road rules, common sense and the laws of space-time appear to be absent. In this area you may travel as fast or as slow as you wish, in whatever direction you wish, or just stop and talk on your mobile phone.
   
2. Speeding is an offence in Thailand, but just what speed should you be doing? There are few (if any) signs, so pick a random number and double it... or quarter it... it depends how you feel at the time...
   
3. Driving Under the Influence (Drink Driving) is also an offence, but the Thais have a unique way of circumventing detection... everyone drives as if they are drunk, weaving, swerving, stopping for no apparent reason etc... so that the police don't notice who is really drunk...
   
4. The only requirement for riding a motorcycle seems to be a literacy test, if you can write a suicide note, you're allowed to ride.
   
5. Popular motorcycles in Thailand are electric start 110cc four-stroke automatics, they need to be automatic or at least have an automatic clutch so the drunken 14 year old can talk or her mobile phone while weaving through traffic with her two friends (sitting side-saddle) and a scared little dog on the back.
   
6. When riding a motorcycle in the rain (or hot sunshine) many riders employ an umbrella for protection... if your mobile phone rings at the same time, have your passenger hold the umbrella for you.
   
7. Motorcycles are used for everything. Often fitted with an outrigger (An entire fast food store can be attached to the side of a motorcycle) and/or a trailer (a 2 wheeled cart drawn via the rider or passenger sitting on the handle). These machines have a carrying capacity limited only by the imagination. Also you may see a family of four aboard a single motorcycle, and it's likely piloted by the 9year-old sitting on her mother's lap.
   APPROACH MOTORCYCLES WITH CAUTION... (see points 1- 3, 5, 7, 8, 10, 11, Etc...)
   
8. When approaching an intersection it's important to be sure of who has right-of-way, there seem to be differing schools of thought, but generally it's the largest vehicle, although the most expensive vehicle is often given preference, however, the most widely accepted rule is that the driver with the largest "balls" takes right-of-way...
   

1. Avoiding accidents, when a situation presents itself;
   a) Sound your horn and/or flash your lights
   Sound your horn and/or flash your lights
   c) Swerve
   d) Accelerate
   e) Pray
   f) Sound your horn and/or flash your lights
   g) Trust that luck (or Buddha) will resolve the situation before it affects you
   h) As a last resort, if all of the above fail and you have absolutely no other choice you might try that 'other' pedal on the floor... the one to the left of the accelerator.
   
2. Road signs in Thailand follow international convention, being in both Thai and English... mostly... also recognised in Thailand is the universal international single digit salute...
   
3. Please use courtesy when parking... leave your car in neutral with the handbrake off so that the driver of the car you double parked over can push your car away to get out...
   
4. The Glacier Technique:
   Situation: you're in a side street trying to turn into a major road and the flow of traffic is endless... you can't get a break...
   Solution: edge forward an inch at a time, eventually the cars will have to curve a little get around you, keep edging forward, eventually a car will stop, because the driver has no choice.... After that, you may go... this also works for changing lanes and merging. (Btw; nobody will blast their horn or even give you a dirty look as you do this as it is considered normal... but you WILL get blasted from behind if you don't do it).
   
5. Taxis are cheap and plentiful; the driver may even speak English.
   Important! While riding in a taxi be sure to look at your hands, your feet, the floor... or anything except the road ahead... it's just better if you don't know (see point 14, 15, ...).
   
6. Safety belts are required for the driver and front seat passenger, but not for the rear seat passengers, probably because the rear seat passengers bodies are likely to still be there after an accident, whereas the bodies of the occupants of the front seats are likely to be much harder to find... safety belts save the ambulance bearers time...
   

Part II: Tips for Driving in Bangkok

1. DON'T!
   

<-- I don't know why the numbering keeps restarting, it didn't in the preview... sorry -->

spot on mate an very funny keep it up!!

[designersing]

the only way to confuse some thai drivers, is to drive properly, they dont have any proper training whatsover. Laugh at my posting, and enjoy the pleasures of seeing the white sheets over the bodies, it wont take you long believe me (check at intersections/junctions) It is not nice, hearing motorcycle fairing against human flesh and bone isnt appealing, especially in bangkok, you will see it countless times if you stay long enough. The bang gives you nightmares, and the idiots still keep on riding..........btw it isnt funny when you see someone dead, check it out, you will do if you stay here long enough.

Edited January 13, 2009 by designersing