The Thing About Thai Men

[girlx]

it is a well-known phenomenon that certain types of psychologically damaged people do *indeed* have a 'radar' which draws them to the same types of negative relationships over and over again- usually some aspects of these relationships are repetitions of dysfunctional or abusive relationships with parenting figures from childhood (whether actual parents or not). This is why, in the most extreme cases, abused women keep going back to their abusive partners, or choosing/finding other abusive partners- and need counselling to change their approach. Choosing different negative partners and repeating negative relationship patterns is a milder version of that. Recovery starts by recognition that the common element in a number of repeating relationships is: you. The people you chose can't have conspired together.

Unfortunately, some people choose to believe that an entire CULTURE of people are simply 'the wrong way' in some sense to avoid this realisation. I would make the prediction that it will probably only be when/if you have repeated this pattern in yet another country (or two, or three...) that you will recognise this internal source and be able to take responsibility.

i think you are making some serious assumptions about me, whom you have never met. and are missing my point which was that the guys i have dated in thailand are not "bad" people, and with one exception did not have any more messed up lives or personalities than the average guy in the west- they certainly were not abusive. i don't think their culture is "wrong" either. i simply do not accept thailand's fundamental values for myself, long term, as they clash with my own. what is so hard to understand about that?

i also think that theory shrinks have that abused children grow up to perpetuate the cycle of abuse is crap. i know very many people in healthy relationships who were seriously abused as kids. they would sooner die than abuse someone themselves or hook up with an abuser. if there is any "radar", it would be that these abused people have a certain recognition of and understanding of certain abusive traits in another, and that empathy might attract the abuser to them. but that is not the case across the board and a strong person is able to recognize and avoid that.

Edited February 21, 2009 by girlx

[Ijustwannateach]

Just offering you some alternative perspectives. Since you don't 'buy into' psychology, I guess you're just going to have to keep doing things the way you already do, which has apparently kept you pretty much completely satisfied.

[popshirt]

i think you are making some serious assumptions about me, whom you have never met. and are missing my point which was that the guys i have dated in thailand are not "bad" people, and with one exception did not have any more messed up lives or personalities than the average guy in the west- they certainly were not abusive. i don't think their culture is "wrong" either. i simply do not accept thailand's fundamental values for myself, long term, as they clash with my own. what is so hard to understand about that? <snip?

it's not hard to understand at all, i really don't know what all the fuss is about here, there seems to be much unnecessary justification put forward that doesn't address your posts......lots of good points made but not relevant to the original post

i really admire your self-knowledge and also your strength, you GO girlx !!!!!

[Boo]

maybe it is cause we have had to read the exact same thing from girlx for the past few years about thai men & yet she was still having relationships with them. Therefore a a tad tedious to read. But we all do get it, thai men don't suit her. Thankfully she has finally realised that too & decided that it is western men from now on.

But (and I'll say it again for the obviously selective readers out there) if you are going to put out an opinion such as her post below, then expect to be challenged by posters who don't have the same, low opinion of thai people & their principles. Also don't presume to think that you are the only one staying true to peronal principles when interacting/relating with thai (people). Is THAT so hard to comprehend?

they simply do not have the same values i do for the most part- honesty, loyalty, empathy, a curiosity about the world outside thailand, etc. and i very rarely meet one whom i can talk to on any sort of intellectual level. i have to say i agree, in general, thai guys (and that goes for the shallow luk kreungs i have met as well) got nothing on western guys for anything other than a fling.

This is a discussion forum after all & if someone puts out such a strong opinion, expect it to be questioned or disputed.

But if you'll excuse me I have to go change my "shallow" luk kruengs nappy & then eat the breakfast that my valueless thai husband has just cooked

[girlx]

maybe it is cause we have had to read the exact same thing from girlx for the past few years about thai men & yet she was still having relationships with them.

yeah you have read my analyses of thai men many times. i have had all types of relationships with them over the years, and found that in general they were not for me long term. hence my bringing it up when people were discussing western vs. eastern guys... i have found i prefer western. i like to be with people whom i can relate to easily and vice versa. obviously i am interested in thais in other ways, and other cultures as well. if not i would have stayed home.

but boo your defensiveness is making you stubbornly blind to all the subsequent posts i made which explained the clip you just posted in more detail- get over it. i am not insulting thai men, nor have i ever. i don't want to date one long term is all. you are misinterpreting my posts (as you have before), and obviously there are other people who get them, so no point going over and over it again with you.

Just offering you some alternative perspectives. Since you don't 'buy into' psychology, I guess you're just going to have to keep doing things the way you already do, which has apparently kept you pretty much completely satisfied.

i was a psychology major, thanks, and i eat up psychology books like candy. doesn't mean I buy into all their theories.

and i don't think a person needs to be in a relationship to have a satisfactory life. i am usually happier by myself! it is only until i find someone who is compatible with me and vice versa that that will change!

Edited February 21, 2009 by girlx

[Boo]

I've no need to be defensive, your opinion has no effect on my life. But I did want to give a different perspective on what you had written. If you are were unable to accept that people will disagree then you probably shouldn't have posted it.

[girlx]

you don't even understand what you are disagreeing with.

[Boo]

hmmm, so I'm stupid now am I. my lord.

[huggybear]

hmmm, so I'm stupid now am I. my lord.

I know I'm really not suppose to be here because, well, I'm male. But overall this has been a very good, interesting, pretty informative thread.

Except for the sniping amongst some...........really detracts.........

Possible for us to all just say, "we are not all going to see things the same way"?

Here in Thailand it is clear, as foreigners there are going to be subtleties in Thai culture that we may NEVER get. You compound that with the different countries we all come from, on top of our different experiences and WOW, that's a brew for some differences.

Thanks for the cool thread ladies, hopefully you all can just say "lets all agree we disagree".

[Ijustwannateach]

Just offering you some alternative perspectives. Since you don't 'buy into' psychology, I guess you're just going to have to keep doing things the way you already do, which has apparently kept you pretty much completely satisfied.

i was a psychology major, thanks, and i eat up psychology books like candy. doesn't mean I buy into all their theories.

Welllll, the idea of people using impossibly high standards/expectations as a way to avoid relationships, and the idea of people choosing types like their parents for good or bad, is pretty standard across most psychological work that I have ever encountered. So whether or not you actually know the material, you don't seem to 'buy into' psychology- but as you say, that's perfectly all right for you. You're completely happy. No need to change or consider any other ideas. Sorted!

and i don't think a person needs to be in a relationship to have a satisfactory life. i am usually happier by myself! it is only until i find someone who is compatible with me and vice versa that that will change!

So you're waiting for someone who will fit you perfectly as you are and as they are at the time you both meet? Good luck with that. Relationships are about tensions, differences, and compromises as much as they are about similarities and common ground.

Again, I'm not a professional, but I think it may be beneficial to you to consider the idea that you are afraid of intimacy and that you may have a pattern of choosing the wrong people, and you have displaced blame for the consequences of this onto 'Thai culture.' However, considering how resistant you are to the ideas and observations of other people on this forum highly experienced with Thai people who do not see them the same way, I doubt your ability to consider these ideas until you have gone through another 'culture shock'- only, most likely, to wind up in the same fix. If this is so, then you need to make the change as soon as possible, because the delusion and denial will not allow you to move on while you are still here, and life is short.

[girlx]

well thanks for the advice... as i remember you are a psychology professional... but i think you are just as stubbornly misinterpreting my posts as boo is and i am tired of going over it. your analysis of me and my relationships is not accurate or really on topic.

Edited February 22, 2009 by girlx

[meltnp]

hey girls!

i've only been here in bangkok for over a month now, working for a law firm. i could say i really am lovin' BKK! since i am single, i am also looking forward to meet thai boys-- i find them really cute and interesting

actually, i already met one who strikes my fancy, but i don't really know how thais approach dating. how do i get to have him respond to me without being too forward? i am actually starting the friendship routine, but am so curious to find out how they do the dating scene here...

is the language barrier going to pose a problem?

all opinions i would appreciate!

well please dont listen to all the negative comments from certain regulars of this site, they are all bitter and twisted and been left out on the curb. therefore have nothing nice to say about anyone. not all thai men are the same, and maybe what they did to one girl they wouldnt do to the next one...maybe the woman scorned deserved it or at least she just was not the 'right one' in the first place, remember western men can be complete #@!$#@!$ too! so girls, get those chips off you shoulders, and if you done like thai men just dont date them, and to newbie, if you want to date a this guy do it. i have been with mine over a year, he has never hit me, does not gamble, and hardly drinks a drop. always comes home at night, cooks and cleans for me, gets up and takes me to work and picks me up, and most of the time take very good care of me. of course we row sometimes but if we didnt it would be very very weird, and in fact the animosity never lasts more than an hour or so. if you want to babe, go for it, find one you fancy and ask him out! if he treats you bad, dump him straight away, if he treats you good, then there you go, not all thai men are a holes!!

[girlx]

i don't think anyone said that all thai men are a-holes.

by the way if you are who i think you are you a- don't know me at all and b- don't know your boyfriend as well as you think you do.

Edited February 24, 2009 by girlx

[patklang]

girlx has never said she doesnt like thai men,she only says that her choice for a LONG term relationship at the moment would not be a thai guy.Whats wrong with that,just accept it and be lucky some of you have got good relationships,and thats special with anybody.

I have the most amazing gf of my life,and its not even important to tell you if she is thai,english or bleeding russian,just that for me she is perfect.

Thats not to say i wouldnt have a quick fling with girlx though heheheheh

only joking girlx

[teacup]

Well well well......all these times I just found this topic.....lol

I don't go for thai men, main reason?.......they are TOO mama clingy!!!.....period!!!

So for now I'm sticking with my american beefcake

[donna]

i am probably waaaay off topic here (pretty much as has everyone else after page 1) but i think that we attract what is forefront in our minds. i bought the DVD 'the secret' and whilst some may disagree and say its a load of crap,i actually believe it to be true in many cases.

instead of concentrating on what we DON'T want, we should concentrate on what we DO want.

for example, don't go walking around saying 'i don't want a man who is a womanizer'. the term 'man who is a womanizer' is the thing at the forefront, and usually this is what will materialize.

if we say 'i want a good man who is monogamous', then that is what will materialize.

ever noticed how, when you are in love, you get offers from other men? this is because you glow and look gorgeous and in love. if you wake up every day and say to yourself 'im in love' and really believe it, then it begins to show, and you attract love.

miserable people attract other miserable people.

happy people attract other happy people.

successful people attract other successful people.

i feel a bit like Oprah here, but i truly believe this to be what happens.

[Ave]

i am probably waaaay off topic here (pretty much as has everyone else after page 1) but i think that we attract what is forefront in our minds. i bought the DVD 'the secret' and whilst some may disagree and say its a load of crap,i actually believe it to be true in many cases.

instead of concentrating on what we DON'T want, we should concentrate on what we DO want.

for example, don't go walking around saying 'i don't want a man who is a womanizer'. the term 'man who is a womanizer' is the thing at the forefront, and usually this is what will materialize.

if we say 'i want a good man who is monogamous', then that is what will materialize.

ever noticed how, when you are in love, you get offers from other men? this is because you glow and look gorgeous and in love. if you wake up every day and say to yourself 'im in love' and really believe it, then it begins to show, and you attract love.

miserable people attract other miserable people.

happy people attract other happy people.

successful people attract other successful people.

i feel a bit like Oprah here, but i truly believe this to be what happens.

Finally!!!!! Thank you Donna. It was a risk worth taking. Spot on!

[girlx]

maybe, i bought into 'the secret' too when it first came out, but it has a lot of flaws too. i just know too many good people who have had bad things happen to them and i don't believe that they "attracted" these things or people- i think life always throws both good and bad your way and it is all about rolling with the punches.

[donna]

of course thats true, girlx. it isnt something that you can believe 100%, but it IS a nice way to live your life, hey?

i will give you an example. my gorgeous niece had a baby. he was born at just 28 weeks gestation and weighed 940g at birth. he spent the first 10 months of his life in hospital and finally came home. during that time, my niece stayed positive, and was in that hospital, 25km away, every single day, as was her partner.

to cut a long story short, Kody passed away last year on October 29 at just 14 mths old.

now, my niece is still in mourning, of course, but she remains positive and has managed to move on with her life. Kody will be with her forever, and will always be her first born child, but she has to look towards the future and see the glass as half full rather than half empty. as someone said to me once 'your niece had Kody for a short time, but he had her for his whole life'. i will never forget that.

when i think of all the crap thats happened to me in my life, i look at my niece and see how she is dealing with the worst thing that can ever happen to a mother, and i just know that i have it easy compared to her. she gives me strength every day.

of course my niece didnt deserve that to happen to her, and she certainly didn't bring it on with her attitude, but with her strength and positive attitude, she will make it, and live a happy life knowing that Kody is looking over her every day.

[patklang]

Nice post Donna.got a few tears now.

We should all look at the positives in life and never forget loved ones who are no longer with us and have compassion for others.

[F1fanatic]

i am probably waaaay off topic here (pretty much as has everyone else after page 1) but i think that we attract what is forefront in our minds. i bought the DVD 'the secret' and whilst some may disagree and say its a load of crap,i actually believe it to be true in many cases.

instead of concentrating on what we DON'T want, we should concentrate on what we DO want.

for example, don't go walking around saying 'i don't want a man who is a womanizer'. the term 'man who is a womanizer' is the thing at the forefront, and usually this is what will materialize.

if we say 'i want a good man who is monogamous', then that is what will materialize.

ever noticed how, when you are in love, you get offers from other men? this is because you glow and look gorgeous and in love. if you wake up every day and say to yourself 'im in love' and really believe it, then it begins to show, and you attract love.

miserable people attract other miserable people.

happy people attract other happy people.

successful people attract other successful people.

i feel a bit like Oprah here, but i truly believe this to be what happens.

To a certain extent this is true. There can be little doubt that confident people attract others. HOWEVER, it's not gospel! Living in this country how can anyone think that the maxim "successful people attract other successful people" is anything close to reality??

'Attraction' depends one hel_l of a lot ones emotional state and circumstances.

It's taken me a long time to realise that whilst men are great as friends or sexual partners (sorry to be so coarse), I'm far better off not actually sharing a house with them! It's one of the benefits of getting older (and more experienced), that you finally learn what works for you.

Forget the books and programmes, they will only ever be entirely right for a proportion of people - and you are probably not one of them! Having said that, they often contain a grain of truth.

[BigSnake]

Be warn they are a LAZY LOT!!

[LadyHeather]

There's a sad stereotype about Thai men if I've ever heard one. The Thai men I see on construction sites certainly don't seem to be lazy. In fact, I see many hard working Thai men around Bangkok and in other places I have been in Thailand. If we were going to go that route and base our assumptions on people based on what we choose to observe then I could state that western men tend to be a drunken, lecherous lot.

Edited February 24, 2009 by LadyHeather

[Goinghomesoon]

There's a sad stereotype about Thai men if I've ever heard one. The Thai men I see on construction sites certainly don't seem to be lazy. In fact, I see many hard working Thai men around Bangkok and in other places I have been in Thailand. If we were going to go that route and base our assumptions on people based on what we choose to observe then I could state that western men tend to be a drunken, lecherous lot.

I agree. In hubby's Isaan village there are very few men, they are all away working, many of them as overseas labourers. Last year in rice-planting season, hubby and his parents did it all themselves because there were no labourers available in the village. A favourite with men in this particular place (east of Nong Khai) seems to be jobs on oil tankers out of Singapore or Malaysia. Hubby's best friend just spent 2 years away on a contract in Singapore, came home for 10 days then shipped out for another 2 year stint. FIL spent many years in Malaysia working and sending home money to pay off the purchase of the family farm. The flip side is that there are a bunch of women in the village who don't need to work. They sit around gambling, drinking and frittering away the money their husbands send home. I'm sure this is not the case just in our village...

[Razzler1973]

A lot of people getting very defensive in here, girlx also getting it in the neck about being some kind of 'loser magnet' and how every single guy she's met is 'the wrong guy'.

I can see what she's saying and don't think she is throwing around the accusations that everyone else is accusing her of, everyone clambering over themselves to defend their position and not really listening (reading) what others are saying, even though they think they are.

Was an interesting read anyway

[mssabai]

A lot of people getting very defensive in here, girlx also getting it in the neck about being some kind of 'loser magnet' and how every single guy she's met is 'the wrong guy'.

I can see what she's saying and don't think she is throwing around the accusations that everyone else is accusing her of, everyone clambering over themselves to defend their position and not really listening (reading) what others are saying, even though they think they are.

Was an interesting read anyway

Hear hear Razzler. Well said. I know girlx and she is not a loser magnet....hottie magnet maybe.....

[wanderer9020]

dang,after reading those 8 gruelling pages, it became a mere thread of trivializing Thai men which can be true or untrue and really unfair generalizing an entire Thai men with infact the OP just asked for advice on mingling with Thai men. Back to original question, I second the motion with what John said, that,the best way is to have Thai female friends, then start from there...No need to fight here......stop the trivia contest ....

[dille]

well i went through a phase where i was attracted to some thai guys, but after many years here the cultural differences turn me off more than anything. they simply do not have the same values i do for the most part- honesty, loyalty, empathy, a curiosity about the world outside thailand, etc. and i very rarely meet one whom i can talk to on any sort of intellectual level. i have to say i agree, in general, thai guys (and that goes for the shallow luk kreungs i have met as well) got nothing on western guys for anything other than a fling.

but of course that is just my opinion.

I agree 100%.I'v been here more than 5 years and didn't met any really smart and interesting Thai guy. I don't like feeling like I know before what he will say next.They are soo predictable! As womanI don't want to be smarter, faster-minded, more logical like a man. Yes, to spend some funy time, talk bull.., laugh about nonsenss I can.But nothing serious with a Thai.I hope somaday I will change my mind:)

[timinchina]

I find there are alot of Thai boys around that will start talking to me, but many of them are the ones that hunt for white girls (rasta bar boys, trekking guides with good english). I think it is like the single white guys here that get followed by Thai girls seeking money who don't know how to find a nice girl. I don't want to be notch on a belt. I like excitement, but I think I will take my time finding the nice ones. After a couple mo.'s here I am finally meeting nice, intelligent people.

Mojitos?