Need Some Advice About A Girl

[samuibeachcomber]

Why the hel_l are any ladies worried about his concerns? He has a decent girlfriend out there who has no idea that he's lusting after another woman!

Let's worry about her - not him!

The poster is looking for an excuse for his guilt.

So the guy is a bit bored with his current relationship,and is thinking he's getting the attentions of a young thai co worker,and he does n't know where to take it.If he does go down this path he's gonna be in deap shit,firstly office liaisons usually end in disaster,double that cos she is thai,and after having begun another relationship and then wants to pull out after having some fun he will feel the full force of thai vengence,maybe these words will save him the cost of a few bears and keep his pecker attached.

[Ave]

If your love for your girlfriend is strong enough you should feel confident that nobody can get in the way and ruin your relationship. Otherwise..

[Boo]

I personally don't see any issue with him having a schoolboy crush or finding another women attractive, what is disturbing is the lengths he has gone to to find out where this women is on her days off & to put himself in her sights & is potentially making himself look very stupid in his work place. That says to me infatuation & with a LTG in the background, he has to decide whether this other women is worth throwing an 8 year relationship down the drain for.

[sbk]

and possibly his job as well.

Like I said, time to start thinking with the big head, it is there for a reason, use it.

[0Mix1up]

classic 7 year itch stuff

you've been with 1 girl in a period when most have a few or many shorter relationships

not been single nor been hurt or the hurtie in that time of youjr life which

when faced tends to give you a better understanding of yourself.

which is why your here asking i figure.

[ozzieovaseas]

I would treat this as a bit of a distraction if i was you.From the way you have written it seems you already know what the best option is ,but you are teetering on the edge of something that could be new and exciting against something that is safe and familiar,but non-the-less a great future prospect.

My advice would be this:

You have obviously thought of the rammifications of going the other way, BUT spend a night in quite contemplation and put your thoughts and feelings into the worst case scenario of going either way...try to visualize how you would feel when having to explain to your fiance and also think of how the threat to your work scene would pan out if things go downhill...and then you can compare that to the benefits of something that might develop with the work mate.You really have to try to feel the emotions as if you were experiencing each scenario for real.

If you go through the visualization process thinking its all to much , then your questions will be answered one way or another.

Sounds like if you keep this other person as a great friend (even if a secret fantasy) then you can have your cake and eat it and everyone will be none the wiser...just my opinion.

[loong]

Sorry to intrude ladies.

OP you are a normal man having normal urges.

Your LTG is away and you're being distracted by a pretty face.

There's a good chance that when your gf returns, you will find it easier to control these urges. You've managed so far, so you can control yourself until she's back.

If you're in a steady long term relationship, it sometimes can seem to be humdrum and a lot of the excitement disappears. I can tell you that humdrum is good, there's nothing wrong with it. Look for ways to make your existing relationship more exciting, not throw everything away on a gamble.

If you started a relationship with this other girl, she will never trust you. After all, you will have dumped your gf for her, so she will think for sure you will do it again.

After a while every exciting new relationship settles into humdrum same old same old if you let it.

Don't beat yourself up about this. You have the urge, but you can choose not to act on it.

[trogers]

There is a saying - Don't shit in your own backyard!.

I am happy to say I have followed this principle since school days and am leading a happy life in my 50s.

There were 3 classes of girls I have avoided in a relationship: classmates, relatives and office collegues.

I have known my first and only wife (a Thai) for almost 20 years and we have been married for almost 15 years. She is my life partner though thick and thin and we are growing old together. We still hold hands when we walk together.

Edited March 6, 2009 by trogers

[Tokay]

Without sounding too crude... DON'T SHIT WHERE YOU EAT.

[torrenova]

I personally don't see any issue with him having a schoolboy crush or finding another women attractive, what is disturbing is the lengths he has gone to to find out where this women is on her days off & to put himself in her sights & is potentially making himself look very stupid in his work place. That says to me infatuation & with a LTG in the background, he has to decide whether this other women is worth throwing an 8 year relationship down the drain for.

Very good points Boo. But is his infatuation only because his GF has done a runner for 6 months ?

The OP states that finances are not a worry but there is no talk of him visiting his GF in those 6 months nor her visiting him. That would ring alarm bells for me. No matter how far away, I think both parties could make at least one trip to see the other. Then you have the telephone, video calls, free on Skype et al.

I've spent 3 months apart but on the telephone and webcam nearly everyday and before they were invented, telephone most days.

I guess the OP has spent all his formative adult years with this one girl and now he sees what he could have had if he had been single. If his GF relationship is still going strong, with communication, then he needs to consider whether he really wants to be tied to one woman and his GF at that.

Finally, he states that he would delete her number. Just why does he have, presumably, her mobile number ?

[shontrashi]

i have read and evaluated all the posts. It was fun to read so many good advices. Good to see most of you didn't support me at all.

Okie now, here are the updates:

-- My gf is back in the kingdom. I didn't tell her details about the Thai girl but at times talked about her. She asked me to stay away from her.

-- I can't stay away from her fully coz she works with me. We have to travel inside Bangkok at times to meet our customer in my car.

-- During our day trip with my co worker, we usually have lunch and coffee, then i drop her at our office.

-- After that i would sms her thanking for the day, she would reply back with similar tone. Then i will sms again with another thanks. She never text me 2nd time.

-- If we don't have any appointment or we don't see each other at office for days, she would send me an email asking how i'm and we end up exchanging few emails for the day.

-- She would praise my everything starting from my body, dressing , way of talking almost everything.

-- She has a boy friend of 6 years relationship, and at times she would talk about him while in the car with me.

-- i have shared about my Gf and she wants to know many things about my relationship. But when i ask about her bf, she would remain silent.

-- I have noticed she would like to go back home after the office hour, never joins for dinner or any activity.

-- She denied to add me on facebook or won't provide me with her personal email address. She uses our office email.

-- She won't get any benefit from me jobwise as she has no promotion in her position.

-- She is gorgeous, well-dressed, smart, chula educated not the bar girl type.

Now i know, this will never bring any good for my life. I have a really nice gf who takes care of me on every expect. I can't leave my job, neither i can kick her out. What i can do is not to take her with my appointment and i can do that but i've noticed, i purposely taking her with me. Well on the other hand, my male customers are also getting attracted to her and we are getting good business.

i know this is severe crush from my side, but i'm not sure about her motive. how do i check or know she is interested in me?

the most important thing, i want to get rid of her. And come back to my normal life. but i just don't know how. My unconscious mind leading me towards a very unhappy ending.

need advice.

thanks

Shon

[dille]

Hi SBK,

i browsed through all the threads and thought this could be the most suitable. otherwise you are free to move the thread to appropriate one. A woman could understand a woman mind so thought somebody can advice whether it is just too friendly attitude or ....

i'm desperately looking for some solution here.

submaniac, thanks for your post. just that i'm in love with two woman at the same time. i have no problem with my existing relation and quite happy.

i asked some of my friends and they said it's just an infatuation. they said time will kill it but as far as i know myself, i'm moving forward and stepping my foot on a hot pan!! before that i want close this chapter. i really cannot afford to lose my reputation like you said. But my MIND! how to control it?

My advice..think what can you get and what can you loose.How to get someone out of your mind? I usually try to find any imperfection, may be teeth, may be ugly toes or bad breathe:) And quickly compare with your perfect, beautiful girlfriend, your soulmate, your past and future.It's works.

[dille]

Hi SBK,

i browsed through all the threads and thought this could be the most suitable. otherwise you are free to move the thread to appropriate one. A woman could understand a woman mind so thought somebody can advice whether it is just too friendly attitude or ....

i'm desperately looking for some solution here.

submaniac, thanks for your post. just that i'm in love with two woman at the same time. i have no problem with my existing relation and quite happy.

i asked some of my friends and they said it's just an infatuation. they said time will kill it but as far as i know myself, i'm moving forward and stepping my foot on a hot pan!! before that i want close this chapter. i really cannot afford to lose my reputation like you said. But my MIND! how to control it?

My advice..think what can you get and what can you loose.How to get someone out of your mind? I usually try to find any imperfection, may be teeth, may be ugly toes or bad breathe:) And quickly compare with your perfect, beautiful girlfriend, your soulmate, your past and future.It's works.

And more about woman nature. I was and still am nice and attractive lady.I know a pleasure to allure men.Just for fun.Even we are in good, strong relationships we, women, need this feeling of power over the men.All I say you think too much, I'm sure she is not in love with you, just revel about your weakness.

[lioness]

the rule? Look but don't touch.

You know your girlfriend will be hurt, you know it would end your relationship, it may well affect your employment, get a grip on your thoughts, it doesn't matter what anyone says here, you will have to be the one to take control. You want to take it further but you are scared of loosing your security, you can't have it both ways.

[shontrashi]

Hi SBK,

i browsed through all the threads and thought this could be the most suitable. otherwise you are free to move the thread to appropriate one. A woman could understand a woman mind so thought somebody can advice whether it is just too friendly attitude or ....

i'm desperately looking for some solution here.

submaniac, thanks for your post. just that i'm in love with two woman at the same time. i have no problem with my existing relation and quite happy.

i asked some of my friends and they said it's just an infatuation. they said time will kill it but as far as i know myself, i'm moving forward and stepping my foot on a hot pan!! before that i want close this chapter. i really cannot afford to lose my reputation like you said. But my MIND! how to control it?

My advice..think what can you get and what can you loose.How to get someone out of your mind? I usually try to find any imperfection, may be teeth, may be ugly toes or bad breathe:) And quickly compare with your perfect, beautiful girlfriend, your soulmate, your past and future.It's works.

And more about woman nature. I was and still am nice and attractive lady.I know a pleasure to allure men.Just for fun.Even we are in good, strong relationships we, women, need this feeling of power over the men.All I say you think too much, I'm sure she is not in love with you, just revel about your weakness.

Dille, thanks so much. i don't know why but i feel you are so right about "woman nature" although i don't like to think that way. And about her weakness, she is too white (chinese) and wants to be more white hence makes are teeth looks little yellow. : )

[dille]

Hi SBK,

i browsed through all the threads and thought this could be the most suitable. otherwise you are free to move the thread to appropriate one. A woman could understand a woman mind so thought somebody can advice whether it is just too friendly attitude or ....

i'm desperately looking for some solution here.

submaniac, thanks for your post. just that i'm in love with two woman at the same time. i have no problem with my existing relation and quite happy.

i asked some of my friends and they said it's just an infatuation. they said time will kill it but as far as i know myself, i'm moving forward and stepping my foot on a hot pan!! before that i want close this chapter. i really cannot afford to lose my reputation like you said. But my MIND! how to control it?

My advice..think what can you get and what can you loose.How to get someone out of your mind? I usually try to find any imperfection, may be teeth, may be ugly toes or bad breathe:) And quickly compare with your perfect, beautiful girlfriend, your soulmate, your past and future.It's works.

And more about woman nature. I was and still am nice and attractive lady.I know a pleasure to allure men.Just for fun.Even we are in good, strong relationships we, women, need this feeling of power over the men.All I say you think too much, I'm sure she is not in love with you, just revel about your weakness.

Dille, thanks so much. i don't know why but i feel you are so right about "woman nature" although i don't like to think that way. And about her weakness, she is too white (chinese) and wants to be more white hence makes are teeth looks little yellow. : )

Congratulations! You are on the right path!

[eek]

Good advice dille. But, imperfection can be about personality too, not just the physical. Shontrashi, you are only seeing her on her best behaviour. Your girlfriend you know good and bad, the whole picture. This girl may appear to be wonderful, but also a lot of it may just be for show.

And more about woman nature. I was and still am nice and attractive lady.I know a pleasure to allure men.Just for fun.Even we are in good, strong relationships we, women, need this feeling of power over the men.All I say you think too much, I'm sure she is not in love with you, just revel about your weakness.

I agree in part about some women needing this feeling of having a man want them, even if they have no real interest in them. Just seeing if they can make him uncomfortable, even testing to see if he may actually suggest getting together or leaving his partner. But, just for the game of it. Shontrashi, you are maybe just taking the bate. Often its to do with a womans insecurity in herself. She needs the ego boost.

I do not agree, however, that all women need this or do this. Personally I find it pathetic. Of course i have insecurities like many women, but i dont need the ego boost of manipulating a man. I know i can. But, i know i wont. I also think its disrespectful to my partner.

Banter and flirting are fun, in my opinion thats different. Its lighthearted and healthy. But there is definitely a line between harmless flirting and something much much more.

Shontrashi, why do you even want to know if she is genuinely interested in you? If you knew she was, what difference would it make?

[shontrashi]

Good advice dille. But, imperfection can be about personality too, not just the physical. Shontrashi, you are only seeing her on her best behaviour. Your girlfriend you know good and bad, the whole picture. This girl may appear to be wonderful, but also a lot of it may just be for show.

And more about woman nature. I was and still am nice and attractive lady.I know a pleasure to allure men.Just for fun.Even we are in good, strong relationships we, women, need this feeling of power over the men.All I say you think too much, I'm sure she is not in love with you, just revel about your weakness.

I agree in part about some women needing this feeling of having a man want them, even if they have no real interest in them. Just seeing if they can make him uncomfortable, even testing to see if he may actually suggest getting together or leaving his partner. But, just for the game of it. Shontrashi, you are maybe just taking the bate. Often its to do with a womans insecurity in herself. She needs the ego boost.

I do not agree, however, that all women need this or do this. Personally I find it pathetic. Of course i have insecurities like many women, but i dont need the ego boost of manipulating a man. I know i can. But, i know i wont. I also think its disrespectful to my partner.

Banter and flirting are fun, in my opinion thats different. Its lighthearted and healthy. But there is definitely a line between harmless flirting and something much much more.

Shontrashi, why do you even want to know if she is genuinely interested in you? If you knew she was, what difference would it make?

i liked your post. Actually if i know she is interested in me, i may feel some satisfaction about myself. I will never leave my current gf for this girl who i barely know.

This thai girl flirts with me a lot. making me crazy. I have noticed she doesn't do this with other male colleagues of mine. I asked my thai male colleagues about her, they think she is pretty and smart but little aged , hence they are not attracted to her much. I don't know how 30 years old girl can be "old" for 32 years old guys. The girl that i think is pretty, is not at all pretty to thai guys.

Let me explain how she plays with me. At one time, she would send me sweat mails, will wait for me at coffee room and make fun. But next week, she will completely hide herself.

however, i know she is playing with me. I didn't know her motive until dille has given me an explanation. But i don't know how to counter play really. She is playing with my emotion and at the moment i really need to control that. I noticed , i kinda feel bad if i don't see her around. I know i'm acting like a kid.

This whole thing is in my head and just want to take it out. Even when i go home, i keep thinking about her and try to gather all the short incidents and come up with self made satisfectory stories. i think i'm sick. : (

[eek]

You really do have a serious infatuation there.

You need to work out what it is thats causing that. I dont really think its all about the girl. Sounds like you may have some self-esteem issues and really need the feeling of being loved and wanted. If im right about that, then you need to try gain that feeling from within. Not looking for an external source.

My suggestion of counter-playing what she is doing, would have been to do NOTHING. Well, not exactly nothing, but just keeping it simple. When she sent you something like an sms before, you should have just politely replied in a simple way. If she sent another, let it go, unless its a question. If she were to send another, say sorry that you are busy or taking your gf out or whatever. You should have made it clear that she cannot play games with you. So anyway, now I suggest to slowly back off. When she emails you, reply politely but keep it simple. Start to make the emails/sms/talk a bit less intimate. If she asks about what you are doing talk about what you are doing with your gf. Start to praise your gf in front of her. Tell her things like you want to do something nice for your gf. This may make her up her game play. But dont be so gullible and dont be so eager to talk to her. She knows she has you hook line and sinker. You can only let her lead you around on a leash if you allow her too.

If she is genuinely interested in you, then you are also playing her along too, by the way you respond to her. Which, if you are truly not interested, is quite cruel of you. In that case she may be testing if you are serious about her, waiting to see if you actually come out with it and tell her.

All in all, what it comes down to is if you are satisfied in yourself and with what you have. Only you can make this decision. If you want this other girl, think carefully about it, make a decision, then take on whatever consequences that may bring. If you dont want her, then stop playing schoolkid games.

Temptation is everywhere, if you allow it. Be adult!

Other than that, all i can suggest is that you seek some outside help in the form of a councilor. It may help to talk to someone about it. If this is a normal pattern of behaviour, then have a read up about "coda", might be that you see something of yourself there. If you do, then there are free help groups around Internationally. (please dont take offense. Im not suggesting there is anything wrong with you. Just giving you options to consider)

[mssabai]

If you ask me, you are spending far too much time thinking about this girl's feelings and no where near enough thinking about your 'soul mate's'. You are persuing this girl and she is playing with you cos it amuses her. Does she want anything out of it? Who knows, but she is successfully humiliating you. You text her more times, you try to add her on facebook, you ask for her email, she won't give it. Your being played.

Your girlfriend (AKA soul mate / life partner etc) has asked you to stay away from her so she is aware of your feelings (probably more than you think). You say that you would never leave your girlfriend so it only begs the question what are you doing? I can understand more than most about infatuation and falling in love with the wrong people and the hearts that get broken in the process. But what you are doing is even more heartless than this...you are wanting affirmation of your own attractiveness as a man at the expense of your gf's feelings. There is not even any feelings involved - this girl gives you nothing about her life. You really don't know her.

Do you have any idea how your gf would feel if she read what you had written, or found out how much you persue this girl? She will feel (and probably already does if she has spoken to you) humiliated and hurt. Is your confidence that low that you are willing to do cause that much pain to the woman you profess to love and who obviously loves you? If you are not able to see this then I seriously doubt you are as in love with your gf as you say and I think you should do the fairest thing to both of you and break up so she can find someone who spends his energies persuing her rather than some figment of his imagination. If you truly love her you will stop making trips with this girl, stop texting her to say thank you (for what? Doing her job?) and will actually put some effort into your REAL relationship.

[shontrashi]

@ Eek: Yes you are right. I'm kind of a guy who likes to be center of attention. I talk a lot with ppl and try to be friendly. So usually they like my company. I do have high self esteem value and i like to keep it that way. I have thought about your advice and i'll try to follow. I know it would be difficult and i may forget all my vows once i see her or get her email/sms. Avoiding and showing not too much interest the only way out of this mess.

God!! i just realized i didn't do any work at office today!!

@ mssabai : You have pointed out some untold truth and actually, i felt really bad. i needed to hear these. thank you for taking the time and explaining so vividly .

[Abrak]

First of all apologizes about 1) I have not read the whole thread so I might simply be repeating advice and that, as a man, by definition I should not be commenting a ladies section (I dont know the rules).

Still...

(1) Let me assure that I hardly believe there is a single farang who has not been 'beguiled' by a Thai woman, whatever their commitments to anyone. It is within a farang man's genes and to a certain extent an attraction to farang men is embedded in their genes. However, the fact remains that this 'beguilement' very rarely ends up in a stable long term relationship. On this basis, if you see it as a 'one-off' you are better off trusting your judgement in the commitment you have made to another, has been well tested over time and for which you seem to have no genuine reasons to doubt. If you simply think this is only the first of a large many of occasions you simply want to shag Thai girls then clearly you should end your relationship with your current GF.

(2) You have stated that she already has a BF and presumably you have mentioned your relationship. Especially given your carreer you should respect that. The statement clearly implies a commitment that if you were not to recognize could well be taken as a serious insult by her. Now if she is bullshitting and is happy to cheat on her BF, you might get lucky and not embarrass yourself - still you are left having a relationship with a girl who is perfectly prepared to cheat on it when the next man comes around that she is attracted to. Neither of those options look great to me.

(3) I believe you stated earlier in this thread that you were not 'sexually attracted' to her. In all honesty I believe this is both a bullshit statement and one, which if you believe is true, makes it simply a foolish one. Every other statement that I have read implies the heart of the problem is quite the opposite - if you werent sexually attracted to her you wouldnt have much of a problem anyways. Now if you are willing to accept you are fooling yourself into things that are blatantly untrue, you should realize the chances of you doing something incredibly foolish are massively increased.

In my mind, if you read back through the comments you have made about your GF and then consider the chances of saying the same thing about any other girl after 8 years of relationship you would be foolish to risk your career, reputation, relationship over some 'crush' that even if it was fully reciprocal (which you have little confidence in) is almost certainly going to lead to nowhere.

[enerzne]

Okie i'll be very honest here. Please don't judge me wrong based on this story.

i have a long term gf who is not Thai but living and having business in Thailand . We have been going out for last 8 years and things are looking really good. We have planned to get married in two years. I'm 30 years old and she is 28. We both are financially independent.

Shon

the sentence ' we have planned to get married in two years'. thats where probably your problem could be.

it was mine about 30 years ago. befor planning - i never had problem to be faithful. from the moment we did. i was looking around not even knowing i did. then there was this coworker. she was nice and and so on. i got crazy. started to be bad at work and tried to be close to her, thinking i am in love. after a while a friend at work sensed something and pointed it to me. the question: 'are you afraid about your decision for the marriage?' did the job. i started thinking. - it was it. this decision made me worrying if it is the rigth thing. so final. for so a long time to come.

i avoided contact with the other woman as far as possible and focused on my real love. real over a long time then already. i got on as planned and never regreted it. 3 children

maybe its the same for you.

[LazyCat]

I haven't read all yet.. but I can say I am in the same situation as OP and the difference is only that she is a woman and me too!!!! this is clearly infatuation but it's difficult for me not to want to be with her..

as for me it is more difficult I have found that keeping myself in hands makes it LOOK better but inside I feel all turned upside down.. I am not a lesbian... just like OP I feel all that , and I want to find more about her, and she talks to me and all that's said here... I think she is just being NICE, and POLITE in a Thai way, and we take it for something else...

For me it is very difficult to hold myself down but it's best....

don't try to avoid her, just be less talkative than usually, in your letters don't include all unnessesary stuff, maybe to make it a smooth transition itno normal working order start of cutting down the giggle and jokes and ending your office letter with a nice way of saying thank you for whatever you are asking her.

when talking to her don't talk to long find yourself some work to be busy with, nice little chat and that's enough.... cut times you spend with her without actual reason, it's going to be tough if you are as deep into it as me, but it will work for her to stop spending times with you too much talking about nothing and giving you all the joy you get from talking to her... you will get less complements from her because you wil talk less, then whateve you will get you will take as her just being nice polite and attentitive, and you will get by....

Edited May 18, 2009 by LazyCat

[Shotime]

It sounds like you're making this nightmare up as you go along, and it keeps getting more neurotic as you proceed. If it's true, I would advise backing off any commitments for the immediate future, and, instead, have yourself committed. You make yourself sound like a man drowning on dry land.

You're also probably watching too many soap operas which only deepen your fantasies, so stop watching them. Even though you seem to like drama.

[thithi]

it is not good to ask either your gf...or us the ladies

i do not like this cheating kinda story myself.

[Texpat]

Strike while the iron is hot.

You've got a defined window while the fiancee is out of country.

Perhaps you can avoid the ThaiVisa post dated May, 2032:

I love my wife, we've been married 20 years.

But I can't shake the the missed opportunity I fumbled 20 years ago with the most gorgeous creature ever to grace the face of the planet ...

Edited May 19, 2009 by Texpat

[BigSnake]

Take some cold showers dude, think with your big head and stay true to your first love, we all like to walk on the wild side one in awhile, in the long run it is not worth it, you would be putting yourself and your first love at risk to STDs.

[BWFC]

She's got a BF you've got a GF!!!!!!!!!! No strings attached just **** and get it over with, you never know it might be crap in which case you wont do it again and if it's good just arrange more meetings to which she attends and ****

[maydagirl]

you've been with your current girl for 8 years or so and you mentioned that she'd go back every 3/4 years to her parents. Obviously, she's gone back to her parents while in a relationship with you previously. So here are the questions...

was there any attraction to other women the last time she was away?

if yes, you'd better leave your gf now. because you are just her bf(not engaged yet, correct?) and you can't even be faithful to her.

if no, like not at all. NEVER. then read on...

This time, this girl comes in and sweep you off your feet but you have got to know one thing about asians. kinda like asians from developing and underdeveloping countries(Thailand, Myanmar, Laos so on). If a girl is well educated, it is likely that she comes from a decent family with social understandings, then they DO NOT engage in a relationship with foreigners because conservative parents see it as a scandal, disgrace, not living up to expectations. The parents enrolled their child in expensive prestigious schools have a HUGE picture painted for them to marry someone from a decent family with same backgrounds(Thai 2 Thai in example)

Of course, those children(polite, smart, decent, sweet) tend to do whatever they can to please their parents. So you are not at all included in her or their future.

Since you answered NO (if you did), just stick with your current girl friend. If you are seeking for asian fantasy go to pattaya. you'll find yourself with a handful who will be with you. of courseee.. are they from a decent family background? ....

so just stick with what you've got. dont be greedy! ok?

hope this is useful.