Are Aussies Really So Bad?

[Jai Dee]

[chuchok]

Update on Australia moving north...

Latest News

New Zealand becomes the major power in the South Pacific with Samoa

New Zealand awoke this morning to find itself as the lone superpower in the South Pacific, after Australia moved north during the night.

"About Bloody time too" stated the Prime Minister Helen Clarke. "we have had just about enough of the whiners and were considering allowing Ngai Tahu to invade them and claim Queensland.

Look out Northern Hemisphere, you don't know what you are in for. They steal your entertainers, claim anyone who even visit them as their own, and inflict their sports teams on them. We will be better off working with Samoa"

Popular opinion is that New Zealand moves to occupy Australia's place as the weather is better. The move will be powered by Australians currently living in NZ.They will be asked to take stategic positions along the west coast and asked to speak out their arse."We have to be carefull" said one official,"if they talk too much we will over shoot and end up close to Mauritius"

No report has come from Tasmania. It is believed that Australia left quietly so Tasmanians wouldn't notice and want to follow,however enough of them fled to the mainland to ensure that their genes will be passed on. New Zealand has offered to adopt Tasmania as West New Zealand, but talks fell apart eary on. "It was just too hard negotiating with a person that has three eyes on their forehead and 15 fingers on each hand." said Ms Clarke

tasmania will now be cordoned off from the rest of the world.It is hoped that in 20 years time a film crew will be allowed in to see the effects of devolution.

[Jai Dee]

Why can't Kiwi blokes take their girlfriends to the Rugby?

They eat all the grass.

[Jai Dee]

So the Commonwealth Animal Welfare Committee decides to investigate the whole issue of farmers having 'relations' with thier sheep. This in-depth analysis will cover various areas including such questions as 'why'? and 'how'?

One Commonwealth representative's job is to analyse the 'How' question. So he sets off to interview various farmers.

Starting in Wales, he asks a farmer about the method he uses with his sheep, and the farmer explains.

"Well, I make sure that I have by nice big boots on, and I takes the sheep, and places her hind legs into the front of me boots, and her front legs over a low wall, and that seems to do it for me"

The next few farmers surveyed explain similar methods, hind legs in boots, and front legs over a wall, or similar convenient resting place.

Finaly he gets to New Zealand, and talks to his first Kiwi farmer, who explains...

KIWI FARMER: "Well we take the hind legs see, and place them in our boots"

KIWI FARMER: "Then we take the front legs and put them over our shoulders"

SURVEYER: "But everyone else in the world seem to put the front legs over something like a wall not their shoulders?"

KIWI FARMER: "What! And miss out on all the kissing?"

[chuchok]

KIWI FARMER: "What! And miss out on all the kissing?"

A passenger plane traveling to California is suddenly hit with a severe engine problem and plummets into the Pacific Ocean.

The impact is such that the plane is ripped apart leaving only one Australians man alive. After hours of swimming he spies an island and drags himself up onto the sandy shores.

Though he is half drowned and aware that he is thousands of miles from home, he cannot but admire the beauty of the island he has found himself on. Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying on the beach, another survivor from the crash. He runs over and sees that she is not breathing, so quickly he gives her the kiss of life. After several attempts she coughs into life. As she wipes the hair from her face he now can see who it is...its Kylie Minogue!

Forever grateful to him for saving her life, they strike up an immediate bond, and over the following weeks, while stranded on the island, they fall madly in love. One day Kylie is walking down the beach and notices her new found love sitting on the rocks by the beach, staring out to sea, with a look of sorrow on his face. She wanders over to him, and asks what is wrong. "Kylie," he says, "The last few weeks have been the greatest of my life. We've found this island paradise. We have all the food and water we could require, and I have you, but still I can't help feeling there's something missing."

Kylie replies: "What my darling? What is it that you need? I'll do anything".

"Well there is one thing. Would you mind putting on my shirt?"

"OK"

"And my trousers?"

"OK"

At this point he gets up and grabs some charcoal from the ground, and draws a neat moustache on her lips. "OK... Can you start to walk around the island, and I'll set off the other way and meet you half way."

"OK dear, whatever will make you happy?"

So off they set. After an hour walking he eventually sees her heading towards him along the beach, at which point he breaks into a sprint, runs up to her, grabs her by the shoulders and shouts:

"Hey mate, you won't believe who I'm shagging'!!

[Jai Dee]

There's a Kiwi rugby fan, an Australian rugby fan and a beautiful woman sitting next to each other on a train.

The train enters a tunnel and everything gets dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The woman and the Kiwi are sitting there looking perplexed. The Kiwi is bent over holding his face which is red from an apparent slap.

The Kiwi is thinking, "That Australian must have tried to kiss this lady, she thought it was me and slapped me."

The lady was thinking, "That Kiwi must have moved to kiss me and kissed the Australian instead and got slapped."

The Australian was thinking to himself.... "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap that <deleted> Kiwi in the head again."

[Jai Dee]

Did you hear about the Kiwi that walked into the pub with a pig under his arm?

The barman said " Bugger me mate, where'd you get that?

The pig replied " Down at Centrelink mate, there's thousands of the bastards "

[Jai Dee]

Tasmania will now be cordoned off from the rest of the world. It is hoped that in 20 years time a film crew will be allowed in to see the effects of devolution.

Q. What are Tasmanians?

A. Proof that Kiwi's can swim.

[Jai Dee]

Q. What do you call a Kiwi sheep dog?

A: A pimp.

Q. Why do Kiwis end up marrying women?

A: Sheep can't cook.

Bruce and Cobber are driving into town from the ranch and it's Bruce's first time driving on a bitumen road.

A bit nervous at how Bruce will handle the narrower roads Cobber says, "Bruce, have you ever made a u-turn?"

Bruce replies: "No, but I once made a ram's eyes water."

[chuchok]

Q. What do you call a Kiwi sheep dog?

A: A pimp.

Q. Why do Kiwis end up marrying women?

A: Sheep can't cook.

Bruce and Cobber are driving into town from the ranch and it's Bruce's first time driving on a bitumen road.

A bit nervous at how Bruce will handle the narrower roads Cobber says, "Bruce, have you ever made a u-turn?"

Bruce replies: "No, but I once made a ram's eyes water."

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

This was an Aussie joke....

driving instructor:can u make a U turn

Cobber: No, but I can make her eyes pop.

Late 80's....Rodney Rude

[Jai Dee]

[chuchok]

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

The caption should read "Where's you dad ,son"

[Jai Dee]

This was an Aussie joke....

driving instructor:can u make a U turn

Cobber: No, but I can make her eyes pop.

Late 80's....Rodney Rude

Got me there!!!

[Jai Dee]

A lion in the zoo sitting there licking it's @rsehole.

A visitor says, "He doesn't look very vicious to me."

"Well he is." Says the zoo keeper, "he just grabbed a Kiwi, pulled him through the fence and ate him all up."

"Is that right?" says the visitor, "he seems pretty casual, why is he licking his @rse?"

The zoo keeper replies, "He's trying to get the horrible taste out of his mouth."

[gburns57au]

you can joke about the Kiwis and Aussies all you like.....but to be truthful I would rather have a New Zealander in the trenches beside me then anyone else.

They are great fighters, they understand the Aussie psyche better than anyone else, have the same work ethic etc......all the things that come from being good neighbours......

and we need someone to throw over the top when the shooting starts.....

[chuchok]

you can joke about the Kiwis and Aussies all you like.....but to be truthful I would rather have a New Zealander in the trenches beside me then anyone else.

They are great fighters, they understand the Aussie psyche better than anyone else, have the same work ethic etc......all the things that come from being good neighbours......

and we need someone to throw over the top when the shooting starts.....  

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

[ozzydom]

Tasmania will now be cordoned off from the rest of the world. It is hoped that in 20 years time a film crew will be allowed in to see the effects of devolution.

Q. What are Tasmanians?

A. Proof that Kiwi's can swim.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Ah well ! we did give the world "CASCADE"

[chuchok]

True story about our Tasmanian friends and happened about 15 years ago.

When Tasmanians used to cross the ditch to visit NZ, they had to fill in the normall immigration card.On the nationality part, instead of filling in "Australian" about 20% would put "Tasmanian".When questioned by our ever so friendly Customs officers, it would almost get into a heated argument of what "country" they came from.

I don't know what it's like today, but it used to happen on a regular basis.

[dr_Pat_Pong]

True story about our Tasmanian friends and happened about 15 years ago.

When Tasmanians used to cross the ditch to visit NZ, they had to fill in the normall immigration card.On the nationality part, instead of filling in "Australian" about 20% would put "Tasmanian".When questioned by our ever so friendly Customs officers, it would almost get into a heated argument of what "country" they came from.

I don't know what it's like today, but it used to happen on a regular basis.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

The definition of a Tasmanian virgin is still a girl that can run faster than her dad and her brothers

[Jai Dee]

True story about our Tasmanian friends and happened about 15 years ago.

When Tasmanians used to cross the ditch to visit NZ, they had to fill in the normall immigration card.On the nationality part, instead of filling in "Australian" about 20% would put "Tasmanian".When questioned by our ever so friendly Customs officers, it would almost get into a heated argument of what "country" they came from.

I don't know what it's like today, but it used to happen on a regular basis.

The definition of a Tasmanian virgin is still a girl that can run faster than her dad and her brothers

If the truth were known, I think Aussies in general like to give more stick to the Taswegians than the Kiwis!

All in good fun hey?

It's a pity Chuckok doesn't have more support out there... aren't there any more Kiwis here on TV?

[dr_Pat_Pong]

True story about our Tasmanian friends and happened about 15 years ago.

When Tasmanians used to cross the ditch to visit NZ, they had to fill in the normall immigration card.On the nationality part, instead of filling in "Australian" about 20% would put "Tasmanian".When questioned by our ever so friendly Customs officers, it would almost get into a heated argument of what "country" they came from.

I don't know what it's like today, but it used to happen on a regular basis.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

The definition of a Tasmanian virgin is still a girl that can run faster than her dad and her brothers

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

If the truth were known, I think Aussies in general like to give more stick to the Taswegians than the Kiwis!

All in good fun hey?

It's a pity Chuckok doesn't have more support out there... aren't there any more Kiwis here on TV?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

We shot 'em

[chuchok]

How do you get an Australian off your front lawn?

Fire a warning shot through his head.

[tuky]

True story about our Tasmanian friends and happened about 15 years ago.

When Tasmanians used to cross the ditch to visit NZ, they had to fill in the normall immigration card.On the nationality part, instead of filling in "Australian" about 20% would put "Tasmanian".When questioned by our ever so friendly Customs officers, it would almost get into a heated argument of what "country" they came from.

I don't know what it's like today, but it used to happen on a regular basis.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

The definition of a Tasmanian virgin is still a girl that can run faster than her dad and her brothers

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

If the truth were known, I think Aussies in general like to give more stick to the Taswegians than the Kiwis!

All in good fun hey?

It's a pity Chuckok doesn't have more support out there... aren't there any more Kiwis here on TV?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

We shot 'em

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

they are still waiting for their computer grant from Centrelink and the pub stole all their dole so that rules out internet cafes

[chuchok]

True story about our Tasmanian friends and happened about 15 years ago.

When Tasmanians used to cross the ditch to visit NZ, they had to fill in the normall immigration card.On the nationality part, instead of filling in "Australian" about 20% would put "Tasmanian".When questioned by our ever so friendly Customs officers, it would almost get into a heated argument of what "country" they came from.

I don't know what it's like today, but it used to happen on a regular basis.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

The definition of a Tasmanian virgin is still a girl that can run faster than her dad and her brothers

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

If the truth were known, I think Aussies in general like to give more stick to the Taswegians than the Kiwis!

All in good fun hey?

It's a pity Chuckok doesn't have more support out there... aren't there any more Kiwis here on TV?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

We shot 'em

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

they are still waiting for their computer grant from Centrelink and the pub stole all their dole so that rules out internet cafes

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Where do I sign up?

[gburns57au]

How do you get an Australian off your front lawn?

Fire a warning shot through his head.

They have lawns in Kiwiland ????

[gburns57au]

Tasmania will now be cordoned off from the rest of the world. It is hoped that in 20 years time a film crew will be allowed in to see the effects of devolution.

Q. What are Tasmanians?

A. Proof that Kiwi's can swim.

Ah well ! we did give the world "CASCADE"

Now we are waiting for a decent beer......

we are going to send all the poms to Tassie.....after all they are used to living on small islands close to pack ice

[Tornado]

Great thread

How do you know when a kiwi has been in your freezer?

There is love bites on your leg of lamb

[Jai Dee]

love bites on your leg of lamb

:cheesy:

ROTFLMFAO

[chuchok]

love bites on your leg of lamb

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

:cheesy:

ROTFLMFAO

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

ha bloody ha...I thought that was REAL funny too. :D

Edited April 28, 2005 by chuchok

[dr_Pat_Pong]

How do you get an Australian off your front lawn?

Fire a warning shot through his head.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

They have lawns in Kiwiland ????

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Only so the sheep can graze