Artisi Posted June 30, 2005 Share Posted June 30, 2005 "Top Ausie Bitter" -- and that's only the low alcohol version. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jai Dee Posted June 30, 2005 Share Posted June 30, 2005 The Reserve Bank of Australia in conjunction with the Australian Mint today unveiled a new banknote honouring David Boon's legendary 52 beer plane flight to England in 1989. Director of the Reserve Bank Sir Bernard Beccle said "We are pleased to pay tribute to the greatest drinking feat in the history of the nation. The fact that it was a member of our national cricket team makes it all the more grouse". Boonie was quoted as saying that he was "fcuken stoked" at the release of the note. The only opposition to the note was from the Airline Industry Workers Union, which stated that the Reserve Bank was encouraging binge drinking and misbehaviour on aircraft. The Reserve Bank responded, accusing the AIWU of being "a bunch of poofs". Asked what he planned to do with his commemorative $52 note, Boonie replied simply - "26 schooners, mate". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dr_Pat_Pong Posted June 30, 2005 Share Posted June 30, 2005 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jai Dee Posted June 30, 2005 Share Posted June 30, 2005 Now this next one is a joke that may offend... just remember... it is a joke , so don't anyone get your t1ts in a twist OK? A Kiwi walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm his wife is lying in bed reading. The Kiwi says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache." His wife replies, "I think you'll find, that is a sheep." The Kiwi replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gburns57au Posted June 30, 2005 Share Posted June 30, 2005 Now this next one is a joke that may offend... just remember... it is a joke , so don't anyone get your t1ts in a twist OK? A Kiwi walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm his wife is lying in bed reading. The Kiwi says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache." His wife replies, "I think you'll find, that is a sheep." The Kiwi replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep". No offence taken at all........the blokes from those islands east of Oz may not feel the same... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CHOPTHAI Posted June 30, 2005 Share Posted June 30, 2005 A Kiwi bloke's wife went missing while holidaying on the Australian coast.He spent a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there was a knock at the door and he was confronted by a couple of pretty miserable policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge said: "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news and maybe some really good news." "Well," says the bloke, "You'd better let me have it both barrels, what's the bad news?" The Sarge said, "I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead." The bloke was naturally pretty distressed to hear this and had a bit of a turn. After a few minutes he pulled himself together and asked what the good news was. The sarge said, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of edible crabs in and around her swimsuit, so we've brought you your share." And he handed the bloke a bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it. "Gee thanks," said the man. "They're bloody beaut... I guess it's an ill wind and all that. Now, what's the really good news?" "Well", the Sarge said, "Me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!... You fancy comin' along? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dr_Pat_Pong Posted June 30, 2005 Share Posted June 30, 2005 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jai Dee Posted July 4, 2005 Share Posted July 4, 2005 HOW TO SPIK NEW ZEALANDER (or Kiwese) FOR BIST EFFICT .......? RID THESE OUT LOUD! Milburn - Capital of Victoria Pissed aside - Chemical to kill insects Pug - What bacon comes from Miss Kara - Eye make up Mere - Mayor Lift - Departed Ken's - Carins Jumbo - Pet name for Jim Inner me - Enemy Fush - Marine creature from the ocean Ever Cardeau - Avacado Ear - Mix of Nitrogen and oxygen Amejen - Visualise Day old chuck - Very young poultry Bun Button - Been bitten by insect Chully bin - An esky Ear Noo Zulland - An extinct airline Veerjun - Mythical New Zealand virgin Brudge - Structure spanning a river Tin - One more than nine Earplane - A large flying machine Sivven Sucks Sivven - A Boeing Aircraft Pits - Domestic animals Munce - Usually served on toast Peck - To put clothes in a suitcase Pigs - For hanging out the washing Nin tin dough - A computer game Min - Male of the species McKennonk - Person who repairs cars Leather - Foam produced from soap Kiri Pecker - Well known businessman Kittle Crusps - Potato chips. Jungle Bills - A Christmas carol Guess - A vapour Fitter Cheney - Type of pasta Fear Hear - Blonde Duffy Cult - Not easy Ear Roebucks - Exercise at the gym Bug Hut - Very popular recording Beard - A thing you sleep in Sucks Peck - Half a dozen beers Beers - A large animal in US forests One doze - Common computed programme Sex - One less than seven Leggs Ecktly - Precisely Cuds - Children Sivven For Sevven - Larger Boeing Cuttin - Small cat Beggage Chucken - A place to leave your luggage at the airport. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Totster Posted July 4, 2005 Share Posted July 4, 2005 HOW TO SPIK NEW ZEALANDER (or Kiwese)FOR BIST EFFICT .......? RID THESE OUT LOUD! Milburn - Capital of Victoria Pissed aside - Chemical to kill insects Pug - What bacon comes from Miss Kara - Eye make up Mere - Mayor Lift - Departed Ken's - Carins Jumbo - Pet name for Jim Inner me - Enemy Fush - Marine creature from the ocean Ever Cardeau - Avacado Ear - Mix of Nitrogen and oxygen Amejen - Visualise Day old chuck - Very young poultry Bun Button - Been bitten by insect Chully bin - An esky Ear Noo Zulland - An extinct airline Veerjun - Mythical New Zealand virgin Brudge - Structure spanning a river Tin - One more than nine Earplane - A large flying machine Sivven Sucks Sivven - A Boeing Aircraft Pits - Domestic animals Munce - Usually served on toast Peck - To put clothes in a suitcase Pigs - For hanging out the washing Nin tin dough - A computer game Min - Male of the species McKennonk - Person who repairs cars Leather - Foam produced from soap Kiri Pecker - Well known businessman Kittle Crusps - Potato chips. Jungle Bills - A Christmas carol Guess - A vapour Fitter Cheney - Type of pasta Fear Hear - Blonde Duffy Cult - Not easy Ear Roebucks - Exercise at the gym Bug Hut - Very popular recording Beard - A thing you sleep in Sucks Peck - Half a dozen beers Beers - A large animal in US forests One doze - Common computed programme Sex - One less than seven Leggs Ecktly - Precisely Cuds - Children Sivven For Sevven - Larger Boeing Cuttin - Small cat Beggage Chucken - A place to leave your luggage at the airport. <{POST_SNAPBACK}> I sounded Sowt Afriken when I said them out loud... totster Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dr_Pat_Pong Posted July 4, 2005 Share Posted July 4, 2005 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deepdiver Posted July 4, 2005 Share Posted July 4, 2005 nice !!! there are some funny ones i see now !!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jai Dee Posted July 6, 2005 Share Posted July 6, 2005 Associated press 2nd July 2005: Earthquake Rocks Balga. A major earthquake measuring 7.8 on the Richter Scale, has hit Australia in the early hours of this morning, with the epicentre believed to be the Perth suburb of Balga. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering, "Farkin ell" and "whadda carnt". The earthquake has completely decimated the area, leaving a damage bill expected to exceed more than $300. Several priceless collections, including mementos from the Torana Appreciation Society and the Welshpool Progress Hall, were destroyed in the quake. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals woken well before their welfare cheques arrived. Perth radio reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in the area. One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15 year old mother of 6 said, "it was such a shock, my little Chardonnay Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Jerry Springer in the morning. The people of Balga are a resilient community and evidence of a full recovery can already be seen, with looting, muggings and car crime carrying on as normal. The aid response from local charities has been swift. The Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Vegemite to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, which include Centrelink booklets, AC/DC T Shirts, Priceline Jewellery and fine bone china from Copperart. The Red Cross seeks to raise money for food and clothing, to be air dropped as parcels for those unfortunate to be caught up in this disaster. Donations of clothing are in demand. Items most needed include baseball caps, Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers), flannelette shirts (female), white sport socks, sturdy boots, and any other items usually sold in Crazy Clarks. Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include, Hot Dogs, Yiros, McDonalds, KFC, Ice Cream and cans of Woodstock Burbon and Coke and Emu Bitter. Charities are also accepting cash donations through any Liquorland outlet. $0.25 buys a ball point pen for filling in compensation forms, $5.00 buys chips, sausages, Farmers Union Iced Coffee and Coca Cola for a family of nine, $10.00 will buy a packet of Winfield Blues 25s and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected Aid Agencies have requested that no tents be sent into the affected suburb, as the sight of posh housing is unfair on the population of the neighbouring areas. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gburns57au Posted July 6, 2005 Share Posted July 6, 2005 What are Yiros and what is the Farmers Union... Obviously written by a resident from NSW who hasnt been able to receive a dole cheque yet due to only having arrived from NZ 12 months ago. Obviously the PO box he set up in Balga 6 months ago on a Centrelink bludged trip (told them he had a job prospect, but they found out that that dealing drugs wasnt a real job and sent him back) wasnt destroyed by the earthquake and cash donations can be sent there. The best news is that all the residents of the now destroyed Balga community have been offered free passage back to NZ.....unfortunately only two have taken up the offer....and they fast tracked here through NZ from the UK. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jai Dee Posted July 7, 2005 Share Posted July 7, 2005 The best news is that all the residents of the now destroyed Balga community have been offered free passage back to NZ.....unfortunately only two have taken up the offer....and they fast tracked here through NZ from the UK. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
COBBER Posted July 7, 2005 Share Posted July 7, 2005 What are Yiros and what is the Farmers Union... <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Burnsie, Yiros, Gyros,or sometimes spelt Giros is what they cut the meat from to make a souvlaki. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jai Dee Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 Prime Minister Howard was visiting a primary school & he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words & their meanings. The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stood up & offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a "tragedy." No," said Howard "that would be an accident." A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explained the Prime Minister "that's what we would call great loss." The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Howard searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand... In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying you & Mrs. Howard was struck by a "friendly fire" missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic!" exclaimed Howard. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?" "Well," says the boy "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss & it probably wouldn't be a <deleted> accident either!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gburns57au Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 Prime Minister Howard was visiting a primary school & he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words & their meanings.The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stood up & offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a "tragedy." No," said Howard "that would be an accident." A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explained the Prime Minister "that's what we would call great loss." The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Howard searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand... In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying you & Mrs. Howard was struck by a "friendly fire" missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic!" exclaimed Howard. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?" "Well," says the boy "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss & it probably wouldn't be a <deleted> accident either!" the kids got a future Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dr_Pat_Pong Posted July 9, 2005 Share Posted July 9, 2005 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alvino Posted July 11, 2005 Share Posted July 11, 2005 The Rambo Granny of Melbourne, Australia Gun-toting granny Ava Estelle, 81, was so ticked-off when two thugs raped her 18-year-old granddaughter that she tracked the unsuspecting ex-cons down - - and shot off their testicles. The old lady spent a week hunting those men down -- and when she found them, she took revenge on them in her own special way, said Melbourne police investigator Evan Delp. Then she took a taxi to the nearest police station, laid the gun on the sergeant's desk and told him as calm as could be: 'Those bastards will never rape anybody again, by God.' Cops say convicted rapist and robber Davis Furth, 33, lost both his penis and his testicles when outraged Ava opened fire with a 9-mm pistol in the hotel room where he and former prison cellmate Stanley Thomas, 29, were holed up. The wrinkled avenger also blew Thomas' testicles to kingdom come, but doctors managed to save his mangled penis, police said. The one guy, Thomas, didn't lose his manhood, but the doctor I talked to said he won't be using it the way he used to, Detective Delp told reporters. Both men are still in pretty bad shape, but I think they're just happy to be alive after what they've been through. The Rambo Granny swung into action August 21 after her granddaughter Debbie was carjacked and raped in broad daylight by two knife-wielding creeps in a section of town bordering on skid row. "When I saw the look on my Debbie's face that night in the hospital, I decided I was going to go out and get those bastards myself 'cause I figured the Law would go easy on them," recalled the retired library worker. "And I wasn't scared of them, either-- because I've got me a gun and I've been shootin' all my life. And I wasn't dumb enough to turn it in when the law changed about owning one." So, using a police artist's sketch of the suspects and Debbie's description of the sickos', tough-as-nails Ava spent seven days prowling the wino-infested neighborhood where the crime took place till she spotted the ill fated rapists entering their flophouse hotel. I knew it was them the minute I saw 'em, but I shot a picture of 'em anyway and took it back to Debbie and she said sure as ######, it was them, the oldster recalled. So I went back to that hotel and found their room and knocked on the door and the minute the big one, Furth, opened the door, I shot 'em right square between the legs, right where it would really hurt 'em most, you know Then I went in and shot the other one as he backed up pleading to me to spare him. Then I went down to the police station and turned myself in. Now, baffled lawmen are trying to figure out exactly how to deal with the vigilante granny. What she did was wrong, and she broke the law, but it is difficult to throw an 81-year-old woman in prison, Det. Delp said, especially when 3 million people in the city want to nominate her for sainthood and a medal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Artisi Posted July 12, 2005 Share Posted July 12, 2005 Luckily for the 2 guys she was only ticked-off, imagine if she was really p*ssed-off about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BambinA Posted July 12, 2005 Share Posted July 12, 2005 no noooo he11 no , aussies re not bad they re nice ,,,although its hard for me to understand their language.. anyway roo people re lovely...hiiii mitttte .. how are u to dieeeee...lol BB Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dr_Pat_Pong Posted July 12, 2005 Share Posted July 12, 2005 No wuckin' furries Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
udon Posted July 13, 2005 Share Posted July 13, 2005 no noooo he11 no , aussies re not badthey re nice ,,,although its hard for me to understand their language.. BB <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Google 'strine' All will be revealed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Totster Posted July 13, 2005 Share Posted July 13, 2005 no noooo he11 no , aussies re not badthey re nice ,,,although its hard for me to understand their language.. BB <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Google 'strine' All will be revealed <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Grouse link Udon.. right I'm gonna nick off before I start to sound like a nong.. totster Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
udon Posted July 13, 2005 Share Posted July 13, 2005 (edited) or a Drongo!.......... and beware of religious ratbags on your way home tonight. (edited for pathetic spelling) Edited July 13, 2005 by udon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Totster Posted July 13, 2005 Share Posted July 13, 2005 or a Drongo.......... beware of religiuos ratbags on your way home tonight. <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Well if any of them rock up, I'll tell em to rack off... totster Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jai Dee Posted July 13, 2005 Share Posted July 13, 2005 or a Drongo.......... beware of religiuos ratbags on your way home tonight. Well if any of them rock up, I'll tell em to rack off... totster Keep this up totster and we might have to award you an honourable Aussi citizenship... you are starting to sound just like the real thing... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dr_Pat_Pong Posted July 13, 2005 Share Posted July 13, 2005 Bewdy. Rock over and we'll nick down to the rubbidy for a few jars of pigs ear Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jai Dee Posted July 21, 2005 Share Posted July 21, 2005 Possibly one of the best ads ever to come out of Oz... Click Here Needs sound. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
udon Posted July 21, 2005 Share Posted July 21, 2005 A great ad, never seen it b4. A cast of 1000's Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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