The Battle Of Trafalgar

[A. BOOZER]

The Battle Of Trafalgar blow by blow if it were fought today! (or aka

"How Things Have Changed!)

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer.

What's

the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his duty,

regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or

disability. What gobbledygook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities

employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the

censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free

working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main

brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the

Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full

speed ahead then."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this

stretch of water."

Nelson: "###### it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in

history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest

please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "Whaaaaaaaaat?"

Hardy: "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness.

And

they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let

anyone

up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle

Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free

environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse

even

to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by

playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in

the

areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let

the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone

breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the

men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny."

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being

charged

with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of

legal-aid

lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the French and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we don't"

Nelson: "We don't?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners

now.

According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this

stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying

that sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your

King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural

age.

Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum,

sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on

corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case .... kiss me, Hardy"

[Gohonzon]

[CHOPTHAI]

Wow, it is a very down-right hilarious piece of "modern constraints" casted upon an historic epic. We are so used to modern day 'horrors' [constraints levied by legislations and regulations] that many a times, we are unabel to feel that such horrors exist until we bring them to the past!

Good efffort in letting us reflect on such horrors! and having to laugh them off!!

You made my day, Sir!

[A. BOOZER]

Wow, it is a very down-right hilarious piece of "modern constraints" casted upon an historic epic. We are so used to modern day 'horrors' [constraints levied by legislations and regulations] that many a times, we are unabel to feel that such horrors exist until we bring them to the past!

Good efffort in letting us reflect on such horrors! and having to laugh them off!!

You made my day, Sir!

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

:ph34r:Thank you for your response and civility, but please don't call me 'Sir', I started in the 'ranks' and will be there until my dying day!

[Jockstar]

. Health and safety gone mad.

[a man with a plan]

that could actually be made into a really funny sketch... if only the ol monty python crew were still in action...