^{When your salad tells you a joke.}

What's orange & sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

What did the Pirate say when he turned 80?

"Eye matey"

Close but no cigar.

The miracle of birth.

a frogs is sitting outside a library. someon walks out with a pile of books, stumbles and drops all the books on the floor. the frog says " reddit, reddit, reddit"

What do you call a nun on a skateboard?

Virgin on the ridiculous.

Meanwhile, in India.....

Guy wrote this on his rooftop near Milwaukee Airport.

A driver is stuck in traffic nothing is moving!

Suddenly a man knocks on his window, so he rolls down the window and asks him what is going on.

"Terrorists have taken Obama and Cameron, and they are demanding 10million or they are going to set them on fire! So we're going car to car"

"How much is everyone giving, on average?"

"Oh, 'bout 2 liters"

Oz

Stephen Hawkins rolls into a bar and orders a pint.

Ok says the Barman. But don't get any big ideas.

I found a hole in my trainer that's big enough to put my finger through.

One formal complaint from her, and I'm now banned from the gym.

Bartender: Why the ships wheel in your pants?

Pirate: aargh it drives me nuts!

There was once an Irish actor who did Shakespearean plays, but he had aged and could no longer remember his lines! After many years, he finds himself in the GlobeTheatre in London , where they were prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says "This is a most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."
The Irish actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he was practicing his line over and over again. Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just one finger, as directed, he delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."
The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming! "You bloody fool!" he cried "You have ruined me!"
The Irish actor was bewildered "What happened, did I forget my line?"
"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the bloody rose!"


I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite. I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth. I tried this a few more times with no success.
All the while, my wife Anne is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yelled to me, "You need a piece of tail".
I turned with a confused look on my face and said, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite. "


A week after John bought a bull, he complained to his friend, “All that bull does is eat grass. Won’t even look at a cow.”
“Take him to the vet,” his friend suggested.
The next week, John is much happier. “The vet gave him some pills, and the bull serviced all of my cows!” he told his pal. “Then he broke through the fence and bred with all my neighbour’s cows! He’s like a machine!”
“What kind of pills were they?” asked the friend.
“I don’t know, but they’ve got a peppermint taste