From the Late Great Tommy Cooper:

Two blondes walk into a building --- you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.


2. Phone answering machine message: 'If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key.'


3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'


4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day --- but I couldn't find any.


5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli --- a strong currant pulled him in.


6. A man recovered in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know, I've cut off your hands'.


7. I went to a Seafood Disco last week, and pulled a muscle.


8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly so they lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.


9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.


10 Man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on that.'


11. 'Doc, I can't stop singing: 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
Doc says, 'That sounds like the Tom Jones Syndrome. '
'Is it common, doc?'
'Well, it's not unusual.'


12. A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him.' and he picks up the dog and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What? --- because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really, really, heavy'


13. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'
'How's that?'
'Oh, now, don't you start.'



14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? --- a fsh.


15. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'



16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world is Chinese. There are 5 people in my family so one of them must be Chinese. It's either my mum or my Dad --- or my older brother Colin --- or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu --- but I think it's Colin.


17. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The second one replies, 'So are you, you fat bastard!'


18. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.


19. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

20 . A man walked into the doctor's, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there any more'

21. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

My wife was sitting on the sofa last night reading a book called, "100 ways to please your man."
I said, "Don't bother reading any of that nonsense, you only need to do two things for me and I'll be the happiest bloke ever.
She smiled and said, "Aww, what's that then?"
I said, "Pack your bags and fek off."

I was watching The Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra last night.
Half way through the concert the man playing the triangle disappeared.

You know you're getting old when:
I was watching Babe Station.

There was this gorgeous girl in a skimpy little French maid's outfit, pushing a vac around, bending over provocatively.

And as her little skirt rode up, exposing her lovely little bottom with the little strip of black material covering her crack, all I could think was:
"We used to have a Hoover like that one."

Bored? Broke?
Do you find yourself with over 35 spare hours to fill every week?
Would you like to earn hundreds of pounds every month?
Then get a feking job like the rest of us, you lazy bastard

If your girlfriend has a friend that annoys you, don’t tell her to stop being friends with her.

Just casually mention how pretty she is!!.

My bank lets me send a text message and it will text back with my balance. It's a cool feature

but I didn't think the LOL was necessary.

In town today I saw a toddler running into the road. I acted quickly and ran after him and just managed to stop him before a car hit him.

His mum, who was quite fit, came running out of the shop and said, "Thank-you, you are a hero, how can I ever repay you?"
Apparently, after I uttered the words 'blow job' I was no longer considered a hero.

Sorry is the hardest word to say....
Unless you're Chinese, then it's squirrel.

A woman sets her fanny on fire by accident,

her husband tells her to stand on the balcony for the wind to blow it out,

but she slipped & fell. Paddy & Murphy were stood below.

Paddy says to Murphy, is that a comet? Murphy says, don't be stupid, its a twatalite!!

"What do you love most about me?" asked my wife.
"Your personality," I told her.
"Aww, that's sweet," she replied, "well, what do you hate most about me?"
"Your other ten feking personalities."

A lady who picked up several items at a discount store. ...
When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag.
Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE."
That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "TAMPAX" for "THUMBTACKS."
In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the
intercom.
"DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

I was in my taxi last night when I dropped a chubby girl off at her destination...
"Oh god!" she said. "I haven't got any cash on me."
"Well," I replied, "there are other ways you can pay..."
"I was hoping you were going to say that," she said with a wink.
"Great!" I said, "I'll just get the credit card machine from the boot....."

My new girlfriend said she thought I was sweet.
Hopefully later tonight she is going to find out I am actually pretty salty

What's the best way to pick up American girls?
Use a crane.

When I was a kid we were so poor,
we would go to KFC and lick other peoples fingers

Sports bras are meant to stop women's tits from jiggling up and down when they're jogging.
They ought to re-name them 'Spoil Sport Bras.'

I can't believe my other half..... just called me a pervert.

I was so annoyed I left her tied to the bed with the celery still stuck up her arse!!.

As I staggered into the living room and sat down on the sofa, my wife looked at me and said,

"Can't you just go out and have a couple of drinks?"
"Of course I can," I replied, standing back up. "Just let me get my coat!!.

Andy asked his father: “who did I get my intelligence from”?
His father replies; “it must be from your mother 'cause I still have mine”

Racism alert!!

Q. What do you call 144 Irishmen? (substitute suitable nationality)

A. Gross stupidity.

"How hot was It?"
"It was so hot I let Bill Cosby buy me drinks."

Many old music hall fans were present at the funeral today of Fred “Chuckles” Jenkins, Britain’s oldest and unfunniest comedian. In tribute, the vicar read out one of Fred’s jokes, and the congregation had two minutes silence.

.....ooooooohhhhhhhh......

This joke is too cold. lol

I love this kind of joke.

My turn:

Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize.

Edited August 4, 201510 yr by phebeM

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

wht turns from green to red at a flick of a switch?

a frog in a liquidiser!!

A recent worldwide survey showed that out of 2,146,703,436 people, 94% were too lazy to actually read that number.

Boy and a girl kissing. the girl says " I think Ive got your chewing gum."

The boy repies, "No love, Ive got bronchial asthma."

A recent survey showed 9 out of 10 people enjoyed gang rape.

Ok Im going now!!