Probably only for the Aussies here

A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy.
All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Australian visitor.
The barman says, 'You ain't from around here, are ya?'
The guy says, 'No, I'm from Canada.'
The bartender says, 'What do you do in Canada?'
The guy says, 'I'm a taxidermist.'
The bartender says, 'A tixidermist?
What the hick is a tixidermist?
Do you drive a tixi?'
'No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi.
I mount animals.'
The bartender grins and yells, ' He's okay boys. He's one of us'

555^^^.

Fits a particular brand of British too. You know the place where they took all the vowels out of the Scrabble bag and then pulled the remaining letters out at random, boyo

A woman is doing an interview on an indian reserve. She notices a man with one feather on his hat and the woman asks " why does he have one feather on his hat" which the indian replies. He big indian chief, him screw one woman. As they are walking along a path she notices a man with 2 feathers on his hat so she asks "why does he jave 2 feathers on his hat" and the man replies, he big indian chief, him screw 2 women. As they continue along the woman notices an indian with many feathers in his hat so she asks " why does he have so many feathers in his hat". The indian replies: He big chief, him screw many women.

The woman replies: Oh dear!

The indian says, no deer, run too fast, ass hole too high

Edited July 2, 201511 yr by ldiablo

Filter this!

The Past, Future & Present walked into a bar. Things got a little Tense

Julius Caesar walks into a bar & orders a Martinus... Bar tender says "Don't you mean a Martini", Julius replies "If I wanted a double I would have ordered one"

Descartes walks into a bar & the bartender asks "Weren't you in here last night, wearing a pink tutu & high heels".

Descartes looks down his nose in disgust & says "I think not" & whoosh... Disappears...

Q: What came first, the chicken or the egg?

A: The rooster

Descartes walks into a bar & the bartender asks "Weren't you in here last night, wearing a pink tutu & high heels".

Descartes looks down his nose in disgust & says "I think not" & whoosh... Disappears...

I drink, Therefore I am.

Understood !

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that, despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night.
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla says, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun."
So they went back to her place and got comfortable.
After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand."
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay."
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.
Then Sean says, 'Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet.

You'll have to......."
"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun."
Cilla complies with the routine.
The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.
Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks. "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"
Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the feking bitch stole ma wallet."

I went in the hair salon sat on the chair and the stylist said,
"Your hair needs cutting badly."
I said "I don't want it cut badly.", so I walked out.

My mates been told by the Doctor he's got viagraphobia.he's scared stiff

Have you tidied up?" I asked my wife earlier.
"Of course I'VE feking tidied up," she snapped. "Who else does? Certainly not you, eh?

No, definitely not you because YOU do fek all around here.

You don't do any of the cleaning, don't go near the cooker or look after the kids at all -

Jesus, I can't even get you to walk the feking dog - so yes, yes I've feking tidied up."
"Well, in that case, have you seen a sheet of paper I'd left out?" I asked. "It's got some plans on it that I'd drawn up."
"Oh, riiiiight," she said, sarcastically. "Mr D I feking Y and his clever-arse ideas.

No I haven't seen your stupid feking plans."
"Bloody hell," I groaned. "I was going to lay a patio in the garden."
"A feking patio?" she laughed. "Over my dead body."
"Oh, so you HAVE seen my plans!!.

If you think your girlfriend has a good sense of humour,

try leaving a trail of rose petals leading up to a sink full of dirty dishes.

My ex was so needy they made a film based on her... Cling film

I saw a bloke from my office on top of a multi-storey car park, threatening to jump off, so I asked a police officer if I could go up and talk to him.
"We've got specially trained officers talking to him right now, it's best if you wait down here," he said.
"Dave," I shouted up. "It's me, Pete from work. Will you move over just a little bit? You're directly above my car."

A man took his wife to the doctor.

After a short examination the doctor said "Your wife's mind has completely gone!" T

o which the man replied "I'm not surprised.

She's been giving a piece of it to me every day for the past 25 fekin years!"

I bet the guy at the urinal next to me is now regretting his decision to wear flip flops today.

Imagine being 85.

A comfortable seat in very pleasant surroundings where you can sit surrounded by people your own age mumbling nonsense all day.

Imagine being attended by nice smiling people and genuinly thinking you are still important, whilst living very nicely at the expense of the taxpayer.

Well, that's not for everyone of course.

Some of us aren't fortunate enough to get a seat in the House of Lords.

The Police knocked on my door and asked me to take down my Islamic State flag.
Turned out I had black tablecloth hung out on the line and a bird had crapped on it.

Apparently 1 Nurofen can get rid of your headache.
What a load of <deleted>, I've given my wife 8 tonight and she's still alive!

Anyone who says their Wedding Day was the best day of their Life clearly has never had 2 Chocolate Bars fall down at once from a Vending Machine