Worst Joke Ever

[laislica]

I went to the library and asked if they had the book about tiny penises...

The librarian said, "I don't think it's in yet."

I said, "Yes, that's the one."

[wpcoe]

Guy asks the librarian if she has a book on Pavlov and Schrödinger.

 

The librarian replies:  "That rings a bell, but I'm not sure if we have it or not."

[tubby johnson]

[Wilsonandson]

[laislica]

            Don't you just hate cyclist road hogs?

It took me over 30 minutes to get past this lot today!

 

[laislica]

Oops, prompted by another thread....

 

I heard about a woman complaining about a member of the aircrew insulting her baby.

Another crew member asked the woman to calm down and she would get her a glass of water and a banana for her monkey.....

 

[riceyummm]

Radical Islam.

 

 

[riceyummm]

[Shot]

Salesman walks up to a house and rings the doorbell. A boy about 11 years old answers the door. He’s wearing women’s panties a bra and he’s smoking a cigar. The salesman asks “are your mom or dad here?” and the boy replies “what the <deleted> do you think?”

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

 

My posting this says nothing about my politics, I just found it funny.

 

 

[JB300]

 

My posting this says nothing about my politics, I just found it funny.

 

 

Guess it says a lot about your sense of humour [emoji848]



(joke!!! that's my British (obviously, note the "U" in humour) sense of humour coming out [emoji4]

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[White Christmas13]

A good chess player

 

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."

 

"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."

[White Christmas13]

 

 

 

 

An engineer and a programmer
A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York.

 

The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.

 

The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

 

The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."

 

Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.

 

The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $100!"

 

This catches the engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.

 

The programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the programmer.

 

Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"

 

The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers--all to no avail.

 

After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $100. The engineer politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?" Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

[White Christmas13]

What was the problem before?
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.

 

After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

 

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

 

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

[riceyummm]

[White Christmas13]

There's a parrot on the plane
On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

 

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

 

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".

 

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"

[laislica]

 One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when

your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

[laislica]

Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits

55378008 into a calculator

(Then turned it upside down).

[laislica]

 Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through

and then raced against the flush.

[laislica]

 McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....

It's has to be a 'Mcchicken Burger', just a 'Chicken Burger' gets a blank look...........

Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you Mcf*ckin McTos*er!

[laislica]

Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

[laislica]

[laislica]

RECENT LETTER FOUND IN A PERSONAL PROBLEMS ADVICE COLUMN

 

From Gavin of Wellington, New Zealand.

 

I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy. 

My parents live in the suburb of Seatoun and one of my sisters, who lives in Palmerston North, is married to a Welshman. 

My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes in Auckland.

 

I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Mt. Eden Prison, Auckland, for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in the Wellington remand centre on charges of incest with his three children.

 

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Christchurch and indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with a STD.

 

We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancée utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as the manager. 

I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team.

Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves at least it would get them off the streets and, hopefully, the heroin.

 

My problem is this:

I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her.

 

Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being Welsh?

[riceyummm]

 

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

 

This is funny but in retrospect I actually was a moron.