Worst Joke Ever

[Ron19]

The young novice nun soon realised that the absence of sex in the convent was a problem. She confessed to Mother Superior that it was unhealthy and she was restless.

"Comfort yourself with a candle," she was advised.

"I've tried that," she said, "but you get tired of the same thing wick in and wick out."

[Ron19]

Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse.

"I know that smart-alec Tex," said the first. "He's going to start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back."

"Not Tex," said the second. "He'll always be just a good ol' boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say is hello."

"I know Tex better than any of you," said the third. "He's so smart, he'll figure out a way to do both. Here he comes now!"

Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted, "Audi, partners!"

[Ron19]

Did you hear the one about the man who opened a dry-cleaning business next door to the convent?

He knocked on the door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty habits

[warfie]

The young novice nun soon realised that the absence of sex in the convent was a problem. She confessed to Mother Superior that it was unhealthy and she was restless.

"Comfort yourself with a candle," she was advised.

"I've tried that," she said, "but you get tired of the same thing wick in and wick out."

GROAN!!!

[Ron19]

A friend of mine, not being able to decide between reed and stringed instruments, recently purchased an alto saxophone and a couple of fiddles. He lives in a small apartment and doesn't really have a good place to keep them so he built a rack that fits over the television set. His wife, however, won't let him keep them there.

She says that there's already too much sax and violins on TV.....

[Ron19]

What did one ovary say to the other one?

"Did you order any furniture?"

"No. Why?" asked the other.

"Cause there's two nuts out there trying to deliver an organ."

[kevjohn]

One night a policewoman pulls over a drunk driver.

She politely asks him to step out of his car. He willingly does so.

She says, "Anything you, say, can and will be Held against you."

He replies "BREASTS."

Edited September 5, 2012 by kevjohn

[kevjohn]

The fight we had last night was my fault.

My wife asked me what was on the TV and I said "dust".

[bino]

A woman and her young daughter are riding in a taxi through Manhattan late one winter evening. The little girl is looking out the window, and sees some working girls on the street outside of a hotel.

She asks: "Mommy, why are those ladies wearing such skimpy clothes in this cold weather?"

Mommy, taken aback, stammers for a minute while her mind races for an answer, and replies: "They are just out of the hotel for a breath of freash air, dear."

The cab driver pipes up and says - "Face it lady, Tell her the truth. She is going to know sooner or later that those are prostitutes."

Mommy gets mad and scowls a little bit, and things go quiet.

A minute later, the little girl asks: "Mommy, do prostitutes have babies?"

Mommy replies: "Of course dear. Where do you think taxi drivers come from?"

[warfie]

[Litlos]

Hmm quality of the jokes is on the rise, time to cure that.

She was only the woodcutters daughter, but you could hear her ringbark for miles.

She was only the postmasters daughter, but she did it, did it, did it

Cheers

[canman]

As I awoke with a terrible hangover I could hear my wife fussing in the kitchen. I pulled on my shorts and wobbled out for a nice greasy breakfast. I stuck my head in the kitchen to see what the strange smell was and could not believe my eyes, my wife has one of my socks in the frying pan!

What are you doing seez I.

She replied, "last night you very mau; you say cook my sock"

Edited September 6, 2012 by canman

[kevjohn]

An old blind man was describing his favourite sport - parachuting.

When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him:

"I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go."

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.

"Well, I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground", he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.

He quickly answered, "Oh that? The dog's leash goes slack!"

Edited September 8, 2012 by kevjohn

[sunshine51]

One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight. No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun." The woman doctor agrees to it.

So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so.

Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" The man says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started." "Oh, that makes sense", says the woman. " You're an anesthesiologist aren't you?" "Yeah", says the man , a bit surprised. "How did you know?" The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing."

[sunshine51]

Thai male: "Me not come work, me sick."

Boss: "When I'm sick I have sex with my wife, try it."

Later the Thai male called back: "It worked. Me better. You got nice house!"

[sunshine51]

Pete and Mary were walking home from the pub when Mary says: "I need a piss"

and goes behind a bush and drops her knickers.

Feeling horny, Pete puts his hand through the bush and feels something dangling

between Mary's legs. He says " My God Mary have you changed sex?"

Mary says "No, I have changed my mind, I am having a shit!"

[sunshine51]

A man went to the doctor.

The doctor examined him and said: "I'm sorry to have to tell you this

but you only have three minutes left to live."

The man said: "Oh my god! Are you sure there is nothing you can do

for me?"

The doctor thought for a moment then replied: "I could boil you an egg!"

[sunshine51]

A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid

down some rules.

"I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted.

"And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to

be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting,

fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want.

Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?"

His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that

there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night ... whether you're here

or not."

[sunshine51]

Blonde: Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?

Doctor: Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.

[sunshine51]

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming

from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed,

sweating and panting.

"What's up?" she asks.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband.

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialling,

her four-year -old son comes up and says, "Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley

is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom,

right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is

her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor. "You rotten Bitch",

she screams. "My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around

naked scaring the kids!"

[sunshine51]

There once was a man who could not keep it going with his wife. He went to

the doctor who gave him some sex pills. There was a label on the bottle that

said ... **Take one pill for a great night** The man thought that he wanted a

stupendous night; so he downed the whole bottle.

In the morning the neighbors came over to find the man's son sitting on the

porch crying. "What's wrong?" they said.

"Mom's dead, Sister's pregnant, My backside hurts, and Dad's in the basement

yelling: Here Kitty Kitty ..."

[sunshine51]

A very shy guy goes into a nightclub and sees a beautiful woman

sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he

finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind

if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't

sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy

is completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.

She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you.

You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying

how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "Five-hundred

dollars? What do you mean $500?!

Edited September 8, 2012 by sunshine51

[sunshine51]

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem.

I can't get it up for my wife anymore.

"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me

see what I can do."

The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife.

"Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now

turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see.

Okay, you may put your clothes back on."

The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health,"

he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

[sunshine51]

Q: What did the typhoon say to the coconut tree?

A: Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!

Edited September 8, 2012 by sunshine51

[sunshine51]

Q: How do you know if you have a high sperm count ?

A: She has to chew before she can swallow.

[sunshine51]

Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?

A: To find a tight seal.

[sunshine51]

Q: Why did god give woman 2 sets of lips?

A: So they can piss & moan at ths same time!

[sunshine51]

And finally...the last one....

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

A: He wiped his ass.

[sunshine51]

A man and his son were talking about sex.

The son asked his father, "dad, what does a

pussy look like?"

The dad asked him, "before or after sex?"

"Ummmm, before sex", the kid replied.

The dad said, "have you ever seen a

beautiful red rose with soft red petals?"

"Yeah...Then what about after sex"...said

the son.

His dad replied, "have you ever seen a

bulldog eating mayonnaise" ?

Just couldn't let that one pass us up.....bye.

[kevjohn]

A senior citizen walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut,

but he tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he’s finished, the old fella tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’s had in years.

But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied: “Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does...”