anon21 Posted July 27, 2012 Share Posted July 27, 2012 Did you hear about the flasher who thought about retiring? In the end, he decided to stick it out for one more year. Greetings from over the Silver Sea Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bobl Posted July 27, 2012 Share Posted July 27, 2012 A priest was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?" "Oh, I don't know," said the priest. "How about God, or religion, or life after death?" as he smiled smugly. "OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?" The priest, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the little girl replies, "So do you really feel qualified to discuss God, religion, or life after death, when you don't know shit?" And then she went back to reading her book. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anon21 Posted July 27, 2012 Share Posted July 27, 2012 Let's groan again, dear friends: Q: What sort of lights did Noah install in the Ark? A: Floodlights Greetings from over the Silver Sea Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron19 Posted July 28, 2012 Share Posted July 28, 2012 Lost Fingers A man working at a lumberyard is pushing a tree through a saw when he accidentally shears off all then of his fingers. He rushes to the emergency romm of a nearby hospital where the awaiting doctor takes a look and says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do." "I haven't got the fingers." The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? This is the age of medical advances. We've got microsurgery and all sorts of incredible techniques! Why didn't you bring me the fingers?" "Well, heck, doctor. I tried, but I couldn't pick 'em up!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maidu Posted July 28, 2012 Share Posted July 28, 2012 Q. What's purple and sits at the bottom of the sea? Give up? A. Moby Grape Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LennyW Posted July 28, 2012 Share Posted July 28, 2012 Q. What's black and white and red and can't turn around in an elevator? A. A nun with a spear through her head! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maidu Posted July 28, 2012 Share Posted July 28, 2012 Two groups of girls are sharing a bus ride for the first time, from two different schools. One group Boston, the other from Muscle Shoals, Alabama. For awhile, none talked. Then a Alabama girl, wanting to break the ice, went to a Boston girl and asked with a smile, "So, where you'all from?" Boston girl: "Where we're from, we know better than to end a sentence with a preposition." The southern girl thought for a moment, then said, "So, where you'all from, BITCH?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bobl Posted July 28, 2012 Share Posted July 28, 2012 At a U2 concert in Glasgow, Bono steps up to the mic and gestures the audience to silence. After a dramatic pause he begins slowly clicking his fingers. He steps forward to the mic and says "Every time I click my fingers, a child in Africa dies". He stops for another dramatic pause during which, a voice from the front row shouts out "Well f*****g stop doing it then, ya evil b'stard" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maidu Posted July 28, 2012 Share Posted July 28, 2012 It's been hard getting over my Hokey Cokey addiction but I've turned myself around and that's what its all about Either you meant to write 'Hokey Pokey,' or you don't know what it's all about. And don't try the keyboard malfunction excuse, the letter C if far from the letter P. If this were the forum for Hokey Pokeyan religious imperatives, we would declare a fatwa on your sorry butt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thaddeus Posted July 28, 2012 Share Posted July 28, 2012 It's been hard getting over my Hokey Cokey addiction but I've turned myself around and that's what its all about Either you meant to write 'Hokey Pokey,' or you don't know what it's all about. And don't try the keyboard malfunction excuse, the letter C if far from the letter P. If this were the forum for Hokey Pokeyan religious imperatives, we would declare a fatwa on your sorry butt. It may be pokey in 'merican, in English it's Cokey. In German it's Das Hokey Kokey. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tD5P7RsC9TI Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron19 Posted July 28, 2012 Share Posted July 28, 2012 Only three doors An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron19 Posted July 28, 2012 Share Posted July 28, 2012 Impossible to Please A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anon21 Posted July 28, 2012 Share Posted July 28, 2012 Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground? A: To get to the other slide Greetings from over the Silver Sea Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron19 Posted July 28, 2012 Share Posted July 28, 2012 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nurofiend Posted July 28, 2012 Share Posted July 28, 2012 It's been hard getting over my Hokey Cokey addiction but I've turned myself around and that's what its all about Either you meant to write 'Hokey Pokey,' or you don't know what it's all about. And don't try the keyboard malfunction excuse, the letter C if far from the letter P. If this were the forum for Hokey Pokeyan religious imperatives, we would declare a fatwa on your sorry butt. Either you meant to write 'Hokey Cokey,' or you don't know what it's all about. And don't try the I am only aware of things that exist in their American form excuse.. actually i'll let you off with that excuse, you can't be blamed for that, it comes natural to ye guys. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anon21 Posted July 28, 2012 Share Posted July 28, 2012 Very funny Ron Q: What do you call an Irish marksman? A: Rick O'Shay Q: ..... and an Irish marksman's daughter? A: Miss :roll: Greetings from over the Silver Sea Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bino Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 A man walks into a bar, sits on a stool, and orders six shots of Tequila. The bartender looks at the man, raises an eyebrow, and asks "Six? all at once?" The man replies "Yes, and be quick about it please." The bartender asks " What's the story? Are you celebrating something? Or did something bad happen?" The customer replies "It's really none of your business- I just want six shots of Tequila as soon as possible." The bartender says "Hey - just trying to be friendly or helpful. Most people tell their problems to the bartender." The customer says that he doesn't want to chat, he just wants his Tequila. The bartender starts pouring, but after two he stops and says: "You know, this is a lot of booze. I'm a little worried about giving you som much all at once." The customer says "Well, if you must know, I had my first blowjob today." The bartender breaks out in a smile, resumes pouring the six shots, and says "That's great news! If you make it through these six, I'll buy you another one!" The customer says" Never mind that. If six won't get this taste out of my mouth, nothing will! " Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
telldem Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 What's the difference between a snowman and a snow-woman? Snow Balls Sent from my iPhone 4S using Thaivisa Connect App Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thaddeus Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 What's the difference between a snowman and a snow-woman? Snow Balls Sent from my iPhone 4S using Thaivisa Connect App And one more carrot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anon21 Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 Did you know that Viagra is now available in powder form to put in your tea? Sadly, it does nothing for your 'magic wand', but it does stop your biscuits going soft! ..... between you and me, I tried it this afternoon with my tea and biscuits, but all I got was a stiff neck. Greetings from over the Silver Sea Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron19 Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Clinton appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him. A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Hillary Clinton appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass too," the man. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. "dam_n it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Clinton country!" "Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron19 Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God... "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!" Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?" God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you." Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!" "Fine," said God and off they went. Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God. "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going, Bill?" God asked. Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?" God says, "That was the screen saver". -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron19 Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair. There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person. Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that." Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10." So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money. Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane." Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down. The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation... The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you. I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free. But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each." Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride. The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff." Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron19 Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 This man, his wife and their Border Collie, Maisy were out for a drive in the country one afternoon in their new convertible, with the top down. The husband and wife were enjoying the scenery as they drove along. While unbeknownst to them, Maisy gave birth to seven puppies while laying on the back seat of the automobile. The couple continued to drive along, unaware of the new arrivals. Soon the road began to deteriorate and was beginning to become quite rough. Suddenly, the car ran over a deep pothole in the road, and one of Maisy's puppies bounced up and out of the car, landing on the roadway just in front of a police car that had been following the man and his wife. The police officer switched on his lights and siren, and soon had the couple pulled over to the side of the road. What are you pulling me over for? Queried the startled driver. The officer responded, "I pulled you over for creating a "Road Hazard, for other drivers!" What hazard? Asked the man. "A puppy bounced out of your car and put myself, and several other drivers at risk, trying to avoid hitting it." Now your Drivers License and Proof of Insurance please. Thank you Sir... And the 'Bitches' name, Sir. Hey! How dare you call my wife a bitch! Sir, I was referring to the dog! Oh... Her name is Maisy. What do you want her name for, officer? Well Sir, after I write your ticket for "Endangering Vehicular Traffic", I am going to cite your dog, Maisy, for Littering! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron19 Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Radar501 Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 A guy visiting the zoo throws a chimp a peanut. The chimp looks at the peanut, sticks it up his ar*se, and then eats it. The guy says to the zookeeper, "That's a really stupid monkey". The zookeeper replies, "Actually, he's very smart. Last week someone gave him a plum, and he had trouble passing the stone. Now he measures everything before he eats it." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anon21 Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 Q: Which Christmas carol would you sing outside a German mental hospital? A: God Rest Ye Jerry Mental Men Greetings from over the Silver Sea Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nurofiend Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 What do you call a guy with a shovel on his head? Doug. What do you call a guy without a shovel on his head? Douglas. What do you call a woman with one leg? Eileen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bino Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 What is gray and comes by the quart? An elephant. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron19 Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you ? Pull the pin out and throw it back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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