This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws. The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day." 

So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself. So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords. 

The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer," the man says to himself. 

The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine." 

Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, "What's that noise? 
 

I went to the Doctors today complaining of strange voices coming from my Boxers Shorts.

The Doctor said, " Ignore them, they're Talking <deleted>".

Standing in the park, I was wondering why a Frisbee gets larger the closer it gets.

Then it hit me.

I’ve decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.

I think this is pretty funny. Makes Jesus toast for your daily bread. They also sell a Jesus grilled cheese sandwich maker.

 

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."

 

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."

 

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."

 

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!" 

 

The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

 

To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch." 

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." 

She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." 

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied, "That's not good," and promised he wouldn't say it again. 

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady." 

She paused and said, "Yes?"

The bird said, "You know." 
 

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?"

The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?"
 

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" 

"Why?" 

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere." 
 

Funny memes

Viz magazine

The very best way to learn anything is through being taught, one on one, by a young and pretty girl.

The second best way is to search on YouTube for the many videos which show exactly the right way, for each of the many ways to do things ?

Adult memes.

Girl in HOMEPRO, walking round with the mirror she is about to buy...
HOMEPRO guy says: "Do you want a screw for that?..."
Girl says: "No, but I'd give a blow job for a lawnmower.

Women are not safe for work.

I thought it looked familiar.....

 

"Doctor, I've just broken my leg in 3 places"
Doctor: "Well, don't go there again"


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