I'm looking to start up my own business, recycling discarded chewing gum.

Just need help getting it off the ground.

You'd think that with as much time as women spend looking at their arse in the mirror they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.

One good thing about getting older is that the multi-tasking becomes much easier.

You can now sneeze, pee and shit yourself all at the same time.

I speak to the wife a lot more these days since she's got a new job.

She's a barmaid.

I live my life like a medieval knight.
Every night I sleep with a battleaxe by my side.

Just bought Cluedo: Swingers Edition,

Turns out they all did it........in every room!

Dear Microsoft:
If you had called your search engine Bang instead of Bing, you'd have destroyed Google.
What would you rather say? "I just Googled Rihanna"or "I just Banged Rihanna."

I've just received a letter saying that my grandad has left me a very expensive antique watch in his will.
I hope it's not a wind up.

My wife goes out 3 evenings a week with her driving instructor.

I wouldn't mind but she passed her driving test in 1993.

To everyone that received a book from me for Christmas,

they're due back at the library next Monday.

Sir Cumference - was he a Knight of the Round Table?

Well, this time tomorrow I'll be on the plane...I'm taking 2 inches off the bottom of the door.

No just a cut above the rest

Well, this time tomorrow I'll be on the plane...I'm taking 2 inches off the bottom of the door.

Don't!!! Had new wood flooring & carpets put down in my UK house before the new tenants moved in [emoji106]

Next thing I get a bill for £100 (plus VAT) for a couple of doors to be taken off, planed & put back [emoji17]

But... Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before

Buttock Tattoo Terror Lands Rotherham Pair In Hospital

A furious row has broken out between a tattoo artist and his client after what started out as a routine inking session, left both of them requiring emergency hospital treatment.

Furious film fan and part time plus size model Tracey Munter (23), had visited the "Ink It Good Tattoo Emporium" on Wellgate last week to have the finishing touches applied to a double buttock representation of the chariot race scene from the iconic 1959 film, Ben Hur.

Tattooist Jason Burns takes up the story.

“It was a big job in more ways than one.” he told us “I’d just lit a roll up and was finishing off a centurions helmet.

It’s delicate, close up work. Next thing is, I sense a slight ripple in the buttock cleavage area just around Charlton Heston’s whip,

and a hissing sound – more of a whoosh than a rasp – and before I know what’s happening, there’s a flame shooting from her arse to my fag and my beards gone up like an Aussie bush fire.”

Jason says he rushed to the studio sink to quell the flames, only to turn round and see Tracey frantically fanning her buttock area with a damp towel.

The flames had travelled down the gas cloud and set fire to her thong which was smoking like a cheap firework.

“To be honest”, said Jason, “I didn’t even realise she was wearing one. You’d need a sodding mining licence and a torch to find out for sure. S

he could have had a complete wardrobe in there and I’d have been none the wiser.”

Jason and Tracey were taken to Rotherham District Hospital accident and emergency department where they were treated for minor burns and shock.

Both are adamant that the other is to blame.

“I’m furious” said Jason, “I’ve got a face like a mange-ridden dog and my left eyebrows not there any more.

I don’t know about Ben Hur – Gone With The Wind’s more like it. You don’t just let rip in someone’s face like that. It’s dangerous.”

But Tracey remains both angry and unrepentant;

“I’m still in agony,” she said, “and Charlton Heston looks more like Sidney bloody Poitier now.

Jason shouldn’t have had a fag on the go and there’s no way I’d guff on purpose.

He’d had me on all fours for nearly an hour. I can only put up with that for so long before nature takes its course.

My Kev knows that. I give him my five second warning and I’d have done the same for Jason, but I didn’t get chance – it just crept out.”

Ted Walters from the South Yorkshire Fire and Rescue service wasn’t surprised when we told him what had happened

“People just don’t appreciate the dangers. “ he told us,

“We get called out to more flatulence ignition incidents than kitchen fires these days, now people have moved over to oven chips.

We have a slogan ‘Flame ‘n fart – keep ’em apart’.

Anyone engaging in an arse inking scenario would do well to bear that in mind in future.

 

So there we have it folks, as we all know.

There's No Smoke without Fire!

At Soi Cowboy, 3 drunk guys entered a taxi.

The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started engine and turned it off a few moments later.

He said, we have reached your destination.

The 1st guy gave him money.

The 2nd said thank you.

The 3rd guy slapped him.

The driver was shocked thinking that the 3rd drunk knew what he did.

Then he asked what was that for .

The 3rd guy replied "control your speed next time you nearly killed us "

I remember once when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead i bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car.

When i got home,i explained to my dad what i did and he beat the crap out of me.

But the next day,when my dad woke up and opened the door,outside my house was a brand new car.

We all cried especially me,because the car was from the electricity company,they were there to cut off the electricity,

my dad beat the crap out of me again

OMG, I have finally discovered what's wrong with my brain.

On the left side, there's nothing right, and on the right side, there's nothing left.

Don’t start an argument with your wife or girlfriend, they all have at least 1,048,576 TB of RAM and will bring up something you did at 14:27PM on 23/04/2008.