I don't owe anything for this drink

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"

The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."

　

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.

When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.

The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.

The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"

In Heaven:

The cooks are French,

The policemen are English,

The mechanics are German,

The lovers are Italian,

The bankers are Swiss.

In Hell:

The cooks are English,

The policemen are German,

The mechanics are French,

The lovers are Swiss,

The bankers are Italian

Keep that a secret

After many years of hard work, Joe rewarded himself with a long, luxurious stay at an exclusive Carribean resort. While relaxing on the beach, he was surprised to see a former high school classmate who he hadn't seen since they graduated. His old friend had been something of a "burnout" in high school, and this was the last place Joe expected to see him.

Joe approached the man, and seized his hand. "Pete, it's Joe. From high school. It's sure been a long time. You look great! You must really be doing okay for yourself."

"I am," whispered Pete. "I am a partner with a very successful law firm. But don't tell mother. She got the idea that I was a drug dealer back when I was in high school, and she would be terribly disappointed if she figured out how I really make my money."

Sorry, I couldn't resist posting this.

 

 

 

Still funny.

 

Extract from:- "The Man Rules" note.. these are all numbered "1 " on purpose.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down.You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the - other one
1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done.Not both.
If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself.
1. If, it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

“The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."

This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari’s existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for!

At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.

“The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."
This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari’s existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.
It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.
However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for!
At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.

Funniest joke ever, have sent it to all my Scouse mates (& I'm a Manc)...

Definitely does not belong in the "Worse Jokes" thread

(Still re-reading it & pmsl [emoji14][emoji14][emoji14])

3 hours ago, JB300 said:

 

Funniest joke ever, have sent it to all my Scouse mates (& I'm a Manc)...

Definitely does not belong in the "Worse Jokes" thread

(Still re-reading it & pmsl )

 

 

I do try.

 

My Mum used to say so, she said "I am Very Trying at times!"

 

(Derby git me)

 

 

 

 True

 

 

            Paris marks the inauguration

 

Bit grumpy this afternoon.
Also headbutted Dopey and kicked Doc.

 

It's a fact that 6 of the 7 dwarves aren't Happy!

Just booked a table for me and my wife for valentines day, hope she likes snooker

 

Inconsiderate neighbour.

 

My inconsiderate neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 a m. 

Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.