Worst Joke Ever

[scottiejohn]

 

Three friends -- two straight guys and a gay guy -- and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.

 

First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny."

 

Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"

 

The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Dick."

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Three babies in the womb discuss what they would like to be when they grow up.

 

The first one says, "I wanna be a plumber, so I can fix the pipes in here."

The second one says, "I wanna be an electrician, so I can get some lights in here."

The third one says, "I wanna be a boxer."

 

The others look confused and ask, "Why do you want to be a boxer?"

He proudly replies, "So I can beat the hell out of that rude bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us."

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother’s, and asked her why.

She told her son, “The bigger they are the dumber the person is.” The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger “units” than his dad.

His mother replied, “The bigger they are the dumber the person is.” Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again.

He promptly told his mother, “Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.”

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

A Jewish couple won twenty-million dollars in the lottery.

They immediately set out to begin a life of luxury.

They bought a magnificent mansion estate in Southampton and surrounded themselves with all the material wealth imaginable.

They then decided to have a butler and, wanting the best, they traveled to London to hire one. They found the perfect butler through an agency and brought him back

to their estate.

The day after his arrival, they instructed him to set up the dining room table for four, that they were inviting the Cohens to brunch.

The couple then left the house to do some shopping. When they returned, they found the table set for eight. They asked the butler why eight, when they had specifically instructed him to set the table for four.

 

The butler replied, "The Cohens telephoned and said they were bringing the Bagels and the Knishes."

[scottiejohn]

A very rich British golfer went to the golf course and was going to take the first shot on the first hole, when he asked,
"Butler, bring me my tee."
"Yes sir," said the butler, "with cream or sugar?"

 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter asked him, "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"
The lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the records, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that it was true. Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."
The Lawyer said, "Wait, wait! There's more! Three years ago, I also gave a homeless person a quarter."
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who, after a moment, nodded back to affirm that it was true.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

 

Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

[scottiejohn]

 

Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Tiddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, "I'm afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy".

 

"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears. At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Tiddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven".

 

Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this morning".

 

Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!" 

 

"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy".

[scottiejohn]

[riceyummm]

[scottiejohn]

[riceyummm]

This married man goes to the confessional and says to his priest, "I had an
affair with a woman...almost." The priest says, "What do you mean,
almost?" The man says, "Well, we undressed and rubbed together, but then I
stopped." The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again.
Now say 5 Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box." The man leaves the
confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor
box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave. The priest, who was
watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that you didn't put
any money in the poor box!" The man replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on
the box, and apparently that's the same as putting it in.

[riceyummm]

One day a redneck wife walked into the local bank to withdraw money. Her five boys, and five girls followed her.

The bank attendant looked at the children. She pointed at the oldest son and asked, "What's his name?"

"Leroy." The wife replied.

The attendant then asked about the second oldest son, "What's his name?"

"Leroy." The wife repeated.

The attendant pointed at the oldest daughter and asked, "What's her name?"

"Leroy." The wife said again.

The attendant raised a brow and asked about the second oldest daughter.

"Leroy." The wife said.

"Are all of your children named Leroy?" The attendant asked.

"Yeah." The redneck wife replied casually.

"Why would you name them all Leroy?" The attendant was confused.

"Well," the wife started, "then when I say, 'Leroy! Get dressed!' they all get dressed. If I say, 'Leroy! Go to bed!' they all go to bed."

The attendant finally asked, "Well how would you talk to them seprerately?"

The wife said, "I call them by their last name."

[riceyummm]

Two Irishmen walk OUT of a bar..............

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

To All Staff

 

It is now advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.

If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci bag we assume that you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

 

Personal Days:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

 

Lunch Breaks:

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.

Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average size.

Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

 

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness.

If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

 

Restroom Use:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom.

There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls - At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken.

After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offender" category.

 

Surgery:

As long as you are employed here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed will constitute a breach of employment.

 

We thank you for your loyalty to our company.

 

PS;  If you are considering Tattoos please do not use the Company logo unless it is complimentary to the company and in a prominent place.

 

PPS; This does NOT mean that "I Love ACME" next to your butt is acceptable!

[scottiejohn]

GOOD GIRL v BAD GIRL

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot.

Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

 

Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it.

Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it and use your credit card.

 

Good girls wax their floors.

Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

 

Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie.

Bad girls know they could do it better.

 

Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls.

Bad girls think they're fully/over dressed with just a strand of pearls.

 

Good girls wear high heels to work.

Bad girls wear high heels to bed.

 

Good girls say, ''Don't... Stop...''

Bad girls say, ''Don't Stop...

[KC 71]

What do you say to a Scotsman with a welly over his bits -
Stop <deleted> a boot ![emoji846]

[scottiejohn]

25 minutes ago, KC 71 said:

What do you say to a Scotsman with a welly over his bits -
Stop Fxxxing a boot !

But remember, there is nothing worn under a Scotsman's Kilt!  It is all in perfect working order and your rubber wellies have a different use.

 

The average 'rubber' is two small for us grand upstanding members and the straps on the back of the welly (sic) are only there to help hold  the beasts back legs still!

 

With a 'skirl o' the pipes' it back tae ewe!

Have a braugh brich moonligt nicht the nicht awe richt!

 

 

I will post again tomorrow, if you want more of my gruel.

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

The bar owners points out the bar window to his farm field across the street, and asks his sad and lonely Scottish customer, "For two hundred Pounds, would you have sex with that ewe?"

 

They argue for a while about the nature of ethics, the value of the sheep, and the animal capacity for things like consent and love. Eventually the Scotsman is more or less persuaded, but he lays out four conditions:

 

"First, I’ll need a pair o those green wellie things wi buckles on the back

"Sure."

"Second, no kissing on the lips."

"Sure, I’ve muckle pairs o them"

"Third, any offspring or suc alike arising as a result of this coupling are the sole responsibility of the ewe and/or you the farmer who owns her."

"That’s me, mate. I don’t think you’ve had enough to drink yet, but sure, your third condition’s just fine wi me. And the last?"

 

"I’ll need a couple weeks to come up with the two hundred Pounds."

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

　

Jock was out working the field when a barnstormer landed.

"I’ll give you an airplane ride for £5," said the pilot.

"Sorry, I cannae afford it," replied Jock.

"Tell you what," said the pilot, "I’ll give you and your wife a free ride if you promise not to yell. Otherwise it’ll be £10."

So up they went and the pilot rolled, looped, stalled and did all he could to scare Jock. Nothing worked and the defeated pilot finally landed the plane. Turning around to the rear seat he said, "Gotta hand it to you. For Scottish country folk you sure are as brave as Braveheart!"

　

"Aye," said Jock "But ye nearly had me there when the wife fell oot!"